Dating profile, advice please

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I took a long time to write a draft dating profile because I want to describe some of the my Asperger traits as well as some other personality traits without using the name Asperger Syndrome. I wanted to do this so that a prospective date will know what to expect but at the same time not prejudge me before we've even met. However, I'm not sure how other people view me. Is there anyone who can please provide some comments on the following draft for a dating profile before I sign up and post it on OK Cupid. I will also ask for some comments from my family later on as well. Here it gos:

I suspect that I can put in a lot more. Although, I'm not sure if adding computer games in the interests section would be appropriate.

One more thing, I would like this to remain the Members Only Forum for now, so mods, please don't move this to the Love and Dating forum just yet.

Eeeeh. I wouldn't have that in your profile.

For what it is worth, my take [and you should have seen my equivalent tdext ferom many a year ago!]:

If you are looking for nibbles at the end of the line and it does not matter if you catch anything, it may be a good idea to tweak the bait. But if you are looking for possibly getting in touch with a person to whom you will be a person - don't sweat it.

If you just talk in your own voice, you will likely put off the impossible ones and intrigue the actually possible ones. And for me those would be great outcomes.

I don;t think you can write pheromones that do not belong to your species.

She'll find out anyway. In any case, just what am I supposed to do? I don't have any money to be able to live on my own, I'm still studying at University - I'm still a student, about to start my PhD. When I finally get a date, I don't want to tell my date that I'm living with my parents and it's unexpected.

Last edited by Jono on 22 Jun 2010, 2:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In English, please. Being an aspie, I sometimes take things literally. Although, I know what you've said is meant to be figurative, I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to say. What do mean by "nibbles at the end of the line"? You are obviously not talking about fishing.

As for talking in person, I've tried that. It didn't work because all I got was ending up as friends with them and never even got a single date. Plus, I never even had any idea who was interested in me. I might know what the signals are now but I don't think I will be able to process them quickly enough in real life situations. At the moment, I'm also not going out to meet people either and thats why I'm wanting to try Internet dating. I don't want to do it face to face, nor can I at the moment because I'm not out meeting people.

Now can someone, please give advice on what I should put in my profile?

[quote="Jono"]I took a long time to write a draft dating profile because I want to describe some of the my Asperger traits as well as some other personality traits without using the name Asperger Syndrome. I wanted to do this so that a prospective date will know what to expect but at the same time not prejudge me before we've even met. However, I'm not sure how other people view me. Is there anyone who can please provide some comments on the following draft for a dating profile before I sign up and post it on OK Cupid. I will also ask for some comments from my family later on as well. Here it gos:

[quote]


Ok Jono, My advice-


"I've recently graduated with an MSc in astrophysics at the University of Johannesburg. I've got an interest in science (mostly physics but other fields as well) and like talking about it."

Mentioning what you like is good. Shows your interests, people look for common interests.

" I'm currently working as a research assistant at UJ (the University of Johannesburg) in the physics department."

"I've been studying at university for 10 years and don't have many friends because I've spent most of the time studying to do well academically, as well as the fact that I haven't had great social skills. Although I'm sort of better at them now, I still don't socialise that often. I'm also currently still living with my parents as I can't afford financially to live on my own yet."

Avoid using words like haven't, don't and can't. Words have a lot of power and word with negative connotations give a negative impression, even if what they are saying would be positive to the audience. For example I would be interested in someone who is wouldn't be dragging me to parties all the time, but saying that you don't have great social skills is still slightly off-putting. (only because of the wording) Say something like you enjoy staying at home and doing ________.

" Otherwise, I guess I'd be alright if if you're looking for someone to have an intelligent conversation with."

Someone to have an intelligent conversation with would be far, far better than 'alright'. Do not undervalue yourself.

Interests

"My interests are in science, sci-fi, computers, certain tv-series or movies and some books I like to read."

Please give examples. What books, tv-series, why science is interesting etc. Again people look for common interests, they can't find them if you don't say what they are.

Message Me If ...

"I'm currently looking for someone with similar interests as me as well as being patient with my lack of socialising. You don't have to have all of my interests, just a few similar ones so that we can have some casual discussions on subjects that appeal to both of us."

I like this

" I'd also prefer it if you'd had some kind of tertiary education beyond high school, such as if you are studying at a university or already got a degree from one."

But not this, it is a indicator of prejudice- belief that someone who only went to high school is not intelligent, couldn't have good conversations with. Only include this if you under no circumstance would date someone with out ed beyond high school.

"You can send me a message if you want someone to have an intelligent conversation with."

I think leaving off the "you can" sounds better, more direct.

"I suspect that I can put in a lot more. Although, I'm not sure if adding computer games in the interests section would be appropriate."

You don't need to put in a lot more, I suspect attention spans for this type of thing are very short. Adding computer games to the interests section is only appropriate if it is absolutely nesessary that your potential partner also likes computer games.

I hope this helps, I agree with the earlier advice to just talk in your own voice.

p.s related to the "nibbles" comment, I have no idea what women have to do with fish.

Thanks for the input lasirena. Here's my response to some of your suggestions:

Thanks, I will leave that sentence the way it is.



I need to think of something else to say, but I want to say that I haven't had many friends and so on just so that a prospective date knows what to expect and can choose whether or not message me based on whats written in the profile. Not make assumptions based on other stuff I've written and then discover the error at the first date.



OK. So, instead if I wrote "Send me a message if you want someone to have an intelligent conversation with.", would that be better?



Alright, then that just requires some expansion. I'll add some examples.



Right, thats not really what I meant. The reason for that sentence is because I'm going to make a career out of being an academic and I would like someone who I can talk to about physics and my ideas and so on. Although, that doesn't necessarily mean that they have understand everything I'm doing. I certainly never meant that someone who hasn't had an education beyond high school is not intelligent. I didn't mean that I can't have a good conversation with them either. It's not an absolute given that I won't date anyone who hasn't had an education beyond high school, although I thought that most people who I can talk to about those things might have been anyway. Is there something better I can say instead?



Should I just delete the earlier sentence " Otherwise, I guess I'd be alright if if you're looking for someone to have an intelligent conversation with." altogether and put the sentence "Send me a message if you want someone to have an intelligent conversation with." here in its place? Otherwise I feel like I'm repeating myself.



I can't do it at the moment. All the people I currently know, I've known for years and I'm not meeting any new people.

Thanks for the reply.

"OK. So, instead if I wrote "Send me a message if you want someone to have an intelligent conversation with.", would that be better?"

Yes, perfect.

"Right, thats not really what I meant. The reason for that sentence is because I'm going to make a career out of being an academic and I would like someone who I can talk to about physics and my ideas and so on. Although, that doesn't necessarily mean that they have understand everything I'm doing. I certainly never meant that someone who hasn't had an education beyond high school is not intelligent. I didn't mean that I can't have a good conversation with them either. It's not an absolute given that I won't date anyone who hasn't had an education beyond high school, although I thought that most people who I can talk to about those things might have been anyway. Is there something better I can say instead?"

Sorry for saying the sentence sounded like an indicator of prejudice. I just realized how rude I sounded. I did not mean to imply I thought you were prejudiced, only that it could get read that way.
Anyway saying " I'm going to make a career out of being an academic and I would like someone who I can talk to about physics and my ideas and so on." Implies that you would like someone educated and interested in the intellectual pursuits, and it in no way can be read as offensive.

"Should I just delete the earlier sentence " Otherwise, I guess I'd be alright if if you're looking for someone to have an intelligent conversation with." altogether and put the sentence "Send me a message if you want someone to have an intelligent conversation with." here in its place? Otherwise I feel like I'm repeating myself."

Yes



"I can't do it at the moment. All the people I currently know, I've known for years and I'm not meeting any new people."

Ah, sorry for not explaining that better. What I meant, and I think the earlier poster may have meant is- write your dating profile in a way that is authentic to you. ' Talk in your own voice' is an expression that mean basically 'be authentic'.

Good Luck

Jono, I have HFA and AS. I have been married for 30 years. Here are some comments from a woman's perspective.

Your profile shows that you have excellent academic credentials. That is good and something that you and a potential mate should be proud of.

Your profile shows that you are dedicated and committed to pursuing an academic career. That's very appealing to a lot of women. Perhaps you could add more, i.e. My goal is to work in the physics dept of a major university, or something like that. I don't know what your actual goal is.

Your profile says that you don't have many friends because of your academic dedication and are working on your social skills. That's honest and will be endearing to a lot of women because they value someone who is committed to a goal.

Stating that you live at home is okay. That will change when your career takes off. Most of us start out living in less than the best housing but as our earning potential increases we move into something better. Working toward a goal with another person bonds a relationship.

The activities you have listed are great . Are there additional interests that you could list that are activities that could be shared with someone? Hiking, walking, eating out, movies ....

Stating what kind of woman you are looking for is good. If you want an academic who can discuss science with you and hold her own at a table of other academics then hold out for that person. Being clear about what you want will help you define exactly what you are searching for. I made a list of the traits I wanted in a husband and carried that list around for many years until I found someone that had almost everything I wanted. I dated several men before I found my husband. Getting clear about what I wanted worked for me. I wish you the best.

Ok, from a guy who have written several profiles and have actually been out on dates:

= "Summary" - Unless you are looking for a girl with the IQ of a vegetable, you may want to run it through a spell checker: Some intellectual girls gets plenty turned off by spelling mistakes.

And do not write large masses of text, try to keep around 3-5 lines in each block, a wall of text wont get you a date

...unless you are a pretty girl in which case you'll have a redeeming quality and the guys will copypaste the text and split it up themselves and correct the spelling so it wont hurt their eyes when they read it




Showing just some of your interests, and not revealing everything in detail in a 37 page hard to read academic paper on the profile is a good start It also gives her a "way in" to talk to you. (If you go on a date, just remember to let the girl talk about herself too...)




Its good that you say that you have some sort of non-social security/unemployment benefits income.

You may want to drop the part about now having any great social skills or many friends. "I prefer to spend my days alone, but i want someone to love" is a somewhat better (and cheesier) line. NT girls like those kinds of obvious statements.

Also, pointing out that you wont be a leech on her that needs social petting every 5 seconds is a good thing, some (or rather *most*) girls are not interested in being a mom for a 30 year old.




The "I live with my parents" issue....... here you have a choice. Lie - or don't.

A (little) lie would be: "I've moved back to my parents place for the time being". A non-lie would be to not mention it at all, but let her find out about it later on. If she asks on the net, just say in what type of apartment and in what part of the city you live. Never go into details with strangers online. Especially where you live.

Yes, she will find out eventually, but the problem is that girls are shallow and want "successful men" that have money, they would rather go for a sociopath with a car and an apartment than an aspie that lives with his parents.

My advice is do not tell until you've met her IRL on at least one date and have started to "grow on her" by building a relation.




Throw something additional in there that you'd like to do with her if you were her boyfriend, like "going on walks" and "dining out", or else you could just replace the whole line with "I am a Nerd".




Very good. Just don't forget that girls are not equal to men and expect YOU to write to them because they are (sarcasm)"so special"(/sarcasm). The times when a girl has written to me (with the intent of actually going on a date) i can count on one hand... or one finger...




Good, it shows that you do not want a vegetable and are looking for brains.

A tip: I have experimented with writing that i have Aspergers on dating sites, but it isn't the best of things to write. Most girls on dating sites that you will come across aren't exactly Mensa material and even if they were, they couldn't tell the difference between Aspergers and a hole in the ground.

One girl actually declined me because "I want someone with empathy"... and i responded that i want a girl who does not jump to conclusions and actually uses her brain.

Anyway, what i am saying is that It takes some patience to talk to such girls, some girls can even appear to be thick as a yoghurt-fog at first but...

Try to be open minded about dating, and don't let your emotions run away. Otherwise there is a risk that you'll get hurt and end up as a cynical bastard such as me.

Oh, and humour is a desirable trait that girls like. Add tonnes of that.

Oh . I've never heard that expression before and I took it literally, so I thought it meant face-to-face interaction.

Thanks again for the advice lasirena.



Well, I wouldn't mind eating out or going to the movies. Although, with the eating out part, I would probably prefer to go to a place which isn't too noisy. I thought both those things would come anyway when I start dating though.

By the way, thanks for the compliments Deber.



Duly noted. There is plenty of time to correct spelling mistakes and typos since I haven't put the profile up yet.



Do really think my paragraph is too long? It doesn't seem long to me but could try and break it up if it is.



Thanks, though I don't think posting my MSc thesis on my profile would be appropriate anyway. And my thesis was 120 pages (including the appendix), not 37. I don't know if were being sarcastic with that comment but I'm going to assume you were. Since I am looking for someone who I can talk to about my interests, I already figured that putting that in would be the right thing to do.



A few things. First of all it's not unemployment income, it's temporary job that could also help my future career in the long run. For instance, the project I'm working on now, other than providing a source of low income, could become the first paper in a physics journal with my name on it. I'm have no intention of being unemployed, I've chosen to have a career in academics. It just hasn't started up yet because I first need to get a PhD. My current plan is to have a part time job while working on a PhD rather than having to do a PhD with a full time job as that would make completing it more difficult.

I'll try working on the social skills sentence but I think I need to mention something to that effect somehow. I don't want to "leech" anyone. My point was that I just don't socialize that often and so don't want someone who will drag me to parties and things. At the same time, if I do, I've learned how to socialize to the extent of not being noticed that I'm different but I want someone who will be patient with me if I withdraw or make any faux pas and so on.



Is even saying that I'm still a university student and studying towards a PhD not a good enough reason for me staying with my parents? I have colleagues that did that as well and they are NT.

With regards to not mentioning that, what would you say about people find out afterwards and use the opportunity take advantage of you, knowing they have better social skills than you so wouldn't detect any deception. At least if they lie to via e-mail, there is a better chance you can detect that if they slip up. I'm trying to reduce the risk of those situations as well, but thats on top of trying to be honest and not trying to deceive them. I'm not going to lie on my profile either.

Otherwise, thanks for the comments.

It is generally not what oneself thinks. If you want girls to read your profile then it better be adapted to work with as many people as possible.

An analogy: a dating site profile is like an African weaver birds nest: if the male bird cannot show a nice nest to the female birdy, then the female bird is going to move on.




Not sarcastic, but i tend to use humour when explaining thing, hence the smiley. A smiley is usually there for a reason, most people does not add them randomly because it increase the aesthetics of the text <- See?




I did not say it was an unemployment thing, and as an aspie, you got that part totally wrong...

What i ment to say was "it is good that in your profile you write things that show that you are not a lazy bum because you have a sort of real income". If you have a job, say so (and you have, that is what i said was good about your profile). To girls, even an assistant job (like you have) is better than being unemployed.

That part about "I'm have no intention of being unemployed" you are telling me, instead of formulating it in your dating profile. Make your dating profile say what you want to work with in the future (Again, briefly. Leave some parts to the actual date. "Less is more" like the saying goes - (i.e. teasing the girl to ask about you)).



+


Look, i made some comments about your text + some generic pointers that did not address your case in any way, Those are pointers that you may want to add to get a better profile. You are way too literal.

And that you should explain about your social "abilities" in a word or two and at the same time, you should formulate it in a way that shows how it will affect the girl = that she ISNT together with a social leech (like maby her ex boyfriend was and she's not looking for another one) and that with you, she will be able to have "breathing room"/a social life of her own.

Basically, you are forgetting how you are presenting yourself to others, lots of bad dating site profiles you can read on OkCupid and pretty much every dating site on the planet usually go like this: "me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me". Dating is about two people: Yourself + The girl.




YES. Girls want "normal" guys that comes with as few problem as possible. Having a sexual relationship with someone that lives at home can be embarrassing for the one that has to visit. I remember that my first girl didn't want to do it at my place because my parents made comments about it and that she told me that she felt embarrassed by it.

My advice is: Save it for last. Aspergers diagnosis or NT - it does not matter.




Talk as much as possible with a girl before you go out with her, that way, you can learn alot about a girl. Ask about things that could affect you two living together - or even just being able go go out on a date:

- Does she smoke?
- Does she do drugs?
- Does she have kids?
- What is her political beliefs?
- Is she religious and if so, how religious is she?
- What do she work with?
- Is she unemployed, and if so, does she actively seek jobs or is she sitting on her butt watching reruns of lost?

Stuff like that is good to know before even bothering going on a date

And btw: not telling is not lying. It is withholding information. You may want to practice that when it comes to dating. NT Girls want a "mystery" to unravel - if you tell her everything now, what is there to talk about on a date?

Anyway, i wish you good luck with the profile.

Sorry - it is English, but I automatically encode things. Otherwise it iis too easy for people to recognize me as alien.

Okay - I assume you are looking for quality; your response says you want to go past friend. From what I have seen, there are out there people who can and will see and appreciate you. But there are a lot more of the ones who dion't see you and don't want to see you. The ones who fear you or hate you or despise you or pity you or all four.So you need to hunt and wait.

IT TOOK ME MANY YEARS TO FIGURE THAT OUT. You watch films, read books, it sounds like you walk up to someone and say "Hey hey" and the other says "Ho ho" anfd you are off and you can hAve another go tomorrow or next week. In my first twenty years I met maybe 4 girls who knew I was alive - and one of them scared me away. In my next twenty years I met another 4 or 5 - one of them came very close to working out.

When I got to about 44 I stopped counting because I found the right one.

I am not saying it was easy. It was not. If someone had told me this [and I believed him] it might have been easier because I could have known that 50 strikeouts did not mean T lost the game.

It's just I've never filled out a dating profile before. That's part of the reason why I've asked for advice. I'll change the sentence to explain the situation better. If I said "I prefer to stay at home and not socialise that often but I wouldn't mind if a prospective partner socialised on their own", would that sound better?




I know that not mentioning something is not lying. For instance, I've already said that I don't want to mention I've got AS. However, wouldn't she be upset when she finds out about the "living with the parents" thing later? If I don't mention it, I suppose I can explain everything later. I'm not necessarily planning to have a sexual relationship in the short term so maybe that aspect won't be an immediate issue if I do that.

Thanks for the replies.

Philologos, I'll see how it gos. I'm hoping that using internet dating might also filter out the ones that don't want to see me from the ones that do. I don't know if it will work that way. Thanks for the reply.

Jono asked for advice on his dating profile. If he wanted to know his[i] issues caused by AS I'm sure there are plenty of NTs eager to point them out.

Ichinin I find your advice often confusing and not related to the profile Jono wrote. I don't think it was a surfeit of literalism that made it hard to understand what you were saying.

OK I've rewritten the draft profile based on the advice I got. I still haven't put it up yet but I''ll do it later. I'm going to show the new one here because I want to know if anyone has anything further to add. Here it is:

Is there anyone who thinks that there's more I should change?