Telling people I care

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When I want to tell someone what I think, whether it be romantically or telling a friend they mean something to me, I freeze and find that the words are on the tip of my tongue but can't actually say them. I don't know why this is, anyone else have this problem? I'm blunt and to the point when it comes to anything else but telling people I care is so hard for me. It upsets me that I can't do what a lot of my friends seem to find easy. I can complement people by telling them they look good or that they are good people for whatever reason but to actually turn round to someone and say 'you mean something to me' is something I find hard and want to improve on.

maybe it's because you don't want to be seen as vunerable? i'm a very independant person and i find it difficult to tell people i know that i like or love them, because people are so unreliable. Plus it's good not to throw those words around too much otherwise they become much less important when you mean them.

I know what you mean by throwing words around. I actually can't stand people who overuse meaningful gestures as I feel it does take away their meaning. I barely say them at all though and I know I should say them more. Ah well, at least if I do tell others I care, they know I mean it I guess lol.

And no I don't like to appear vulnerable. I think part of my problem is that I fear even the slightest bit of pain emotionally (none of my friends have really hurt me) because of past relationships. But even before that I wasn't the most open of people emotionally. I can give hugs and show affection but I cannot put how I feel about anyone, regardless of who they are, into words very well. Do you know that the first time I told my mother I loved her without being prompted was when I was 19? Shocking isn't it? And I hardly tell people I care about them even now. If I want to do that I will write the person concerned a letter or email as I find telling people I care to their faces or over the phone too confrontational. And a relationship is another matter entirely. I am always searching for other ways to show a guy how I feel if I'm with one as I find telling him how I feel too difficult and I get anxious. I get there eventually but only after many prompts from him. Isn't this kind of stuff meant to come easier to women supposedly?

I'm in my early twenties, and still have never told my parents I love them. I'm sure they know I do, they know that just as well as that I cant express myself. Cant remember the last time I even hugged one of them, it was probably a funeral.

I'm aweful when it comes to expressing myself. It really has to be forced. I'm shocked at how well things are going with me and my GF. We both seem to express ourselves physically yet neither of us has ever told the other how we feel. I can tell how she feels just by the way she looks at me, and by how she responds to my actions. And I'm pretty sure the same is true for her.

I have these exact problems. Worse than never hugging my parents, when my parents see me off at the airport I'll often wait until they're distracted and then take off for my gate without even saying goodbye. It's not that I don't love them, but I just have a hard time expressing affection or saying goodbye. The few times that I have worked up the courage to tell somebody what I really feel through a letter or an e-mail have resulted in disaster. Or at least that's my perception. I guess... for me... saying the words "I love you" is kinda like pointing a gun at somebody's head. The only thing they can say without demolishing you is "I love you too." It's not like you're giving them a choice. And if they say something else that isn't "I love you"--those exact words-- then you feel ridiculous and stupid for pouring your affection into somebody who doesn't feel the same about you. It hurts so bad when that happens you feel like you wanna curl up into a ball and die. So you repress everything and release it in alternative ways-- boxing, writing, theater, anything that raises you to that higher plane of existence where lovers dwell. It's just a theory of mine-- but maybe one reason people with AS have these "special interests" is they need something to fill the void left by social inability. At the very least, social incapacity gives us one more reason to delve further into our specific fascinations. I think if I knew real love just once I'd never have to put the gloves back on again.

I don't know how to do it either. I don't think my friends know how much they mean to me, and I wish they did.

Fiz, I think its normal that you find it hard to express feelings about other people, and it doesn't mean that something is 'wrong' with you. It's probably a combination of AS and defence mechanisms you've put up as a result from earlier experiences with people.

I don't think you should start thinking it 'natural' for you to find such things easy just because you're a woman, because really that issue is still up for debate and there isn't much evidence one way or another. Besides that, every person is free to make a choice about how they live and act. If everyone was the same and did what they felt was the 'natural' way to act and live, then people wouldn't be very interesting as they'd all be carbon copies of each other.

That said, you need to show affection overtly to maintain a relationship. If you can do that really well in writing, then use that. You should play to your strengths for now and the rest will come in time.

I also have problems with this. I have a great desire to tell some people how I feel, how much they mean to me, etc. But it just wont happen. Saying "i love you" etc, is a hard one for me...why? I have no idea.

I also fear being hurt, so maybe that has a bit to do with it.

When I really want to tell someone something, I write it and then give it to them to read when I am not around (by putting it on their desk when they are gone, etc). It must not be read in my presence.
I would then prefer that it is never mentioned again, in person anyway. But that isnt usually the case, and at some point a conversation begins about my letter, and I begin to wish I had never wrote said letter.

I also have problems with that.. I can never physically say that I care or something nice like that to a person, I have to do it another way by writing a card or making them something nice or getting them a present to show I care. But alot of the time people overlook such things and they just think "oh no, she doesn't care" and I end up getting int rouble because I can't do it and don't know how to learn. It always comes out so jerky and fake when I do say it - so unnatural.

You have to take some chances. You may get hurt. But you have to take the chance. And if you get hurt, you have to pick yourself up and do it again!