Give examples of sh-tests you were put through

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Sh*t tests occur when an unscrupulous woman tries to put a man into an embarrassing situation in order to observe his reaction to her attempt. If he "passes" by putting her down and thus preventing the embarrassment, he is judged as strong (an "Alpha") and therefore worth dating (or, if she is already dating him, worth staying faithful with). If not, he is judged as weak, and she either continues with the embarrassment or loses interest in him. I suspect only women who are NT or cluster-B carry out sh*t tests (not sure about those with BPD, though).

Anyhow, I want to bring up this topic because it seems a fairly common behaviour, though not one that is often discussed even in NT circles. It's also psychological abuse, and in a better world, it would lead to a jail sentence for the abuser. Hopefully, providing examples will help people recognize this behaviour and deal with it appropriately.

Here are four examples, based on personal experience:
*One girl with whom I was friends had a break-up with her boyfriend. She, who had never in her life made any request of me, suddenly asked me to go buy something for her (i.e. be a "gofer"). I accepted, thinking she was feeling really bad and wanting to provide a gesture of support, but later realized this was a sh*t-test, meant for her to judge whether she ought to stay "friends" with me.

*On my first and only date with a girl who had been very excited about me, she decided to announce that she would bring along her grandfather. I found this deeply suspicious and was hesitant, but tried to make myself believe that maybe she wasn't a (expletive) and that, based on her pretext, this wasn't unreasonable on her part. Later at university, she openly mocked me about it.

*One girl who had previously suggested that I go on a trip with her, and mentioned her ex-boyfriend in polite conversation, asked me a few weeks later to tag along on her trip to get some ice cream; I said yes, and she went all the way across town with me. When I asked her why she had chosen to walk so far, she explained that she had simply felt a craving for the particular ice cream in the particular store we had visited. A few days afterwards, she began referring to her ex-boyfriend as her boyfriend.

*One girl I was dating decided to sh*t-test me by showing an extremely crude drawing of a tree, calling it a "nude" and asking if I liked it, when it was obvious that she herself did it. I would argue that she also sh*t-tested me later by first having me put my hand on her chest (ostensibly to feel her heartbeat) and then putting a colleague's hand on her chest, while I was watching. Not very nice of her.

This thread will not end well.

In before the lock.

I don't believe in sh-- tests. I think they're really just given windows of opportunity to make a move. Miss them and they never come back. Anyway, my story:

Met a girl for lunch next to where she worked. We had met at the bar a few nights before and things got pretty heavy. Would have brought her home that night, but we were both with friends and it was inconvenient. The lunch was friendly, but I held back the whole time. Nothing like before, so it was a regression. We never saw each other again, as the excitement to meet again had worn off.

Or maybe she never saw you as a love interest in the first place, just a friend. Helping each other out in bad times is what friends do for each other and there is often no ulterior motive in a small request.


Sounds like she's the one who should be embarassed. Maybe she thought she'd get the dig in before you did. Can't explain that one any other way. She does sound a bit horrible.



That's not a sh-test. People in their mid teens to twenties often break-up/get back together on a weekly basis. You probably could have sat at home all day and the result would have been the same. Or, as deadeyexx put it, you missed your window of opportunity to get in there before they got back together.



I don't get this one So she was fishing for compliments about her drawing... just say you like it.

The heartbeat... nah, I can see someone getting caught up in the 'ooh, I have a heatbeat, feel this' excitement and not realising that one's boyfriend might be uncomfortable watching. Maybe you should have said something at the time or afterwards if you weren't comfortable.

So let me get this straight, in an 'ideal world', you'd like to see all four girls in jail for this?

Last edited by Lene on 08 Sep 2010, 4:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

In most of these cases I can't even see how you came to think of them as tests... and what the women in question decided to do afterwards does not seem dependant on these events.

From my point of view you just seem bitter every time you do something for a woman or does something friendly with a woman and you don't end up as her bf...
Witch is actually very consistent with the L and D forum-aspies way of thinking that any socialisation with a woman is a tit for tat situation (sorry for the bad pun). She shouldn't have gone back with her boyfriend because you went out for ice cream?? Really?

I agree with this.
It seems like you can't accept that not all things with girls lead to relationships - maybe they want to be just friends.
Nothing wrong with that.

I don't even understand what the heck you're talking about, hw are any of these "test's"?

lol at this!! !!

yep, i don't get how these are supposed to be examples of tests. tests for what? to show if the OP could be a worthy mate? if it's a test and he didn't get the girl, that would mean that he failed somehow...

Seeing the forest for the trees here -- yes, girls do tests, though I'm not sure if the above qualify. Some seem like they were just jerking the OP around, and never took him seriously. So maybe the real issue above is that he is running into his share of users/attention whores, rather than folks looking for an actual relationship.

The one test I remember was with my first GF, who was admittedly pretty screwed up in the head. She had a dysfunctional view of man-woman relations due to her weird parents, and continuously pushed my buttons and did things, wanting me to set her straight. At the time, I was low-confidence and in no mood for games. Now I'm probably a lot more of what she wanted then, but we're twice as old now, both married to other people, and not into each other the way we were then -- we're different people now.

Dude those weren't tests. What made you think they were? I'm seeing self esteem issues, inferiority complex, persecution complex, and maybe paranoia.

It is nice being perceptive, and able to read other people's intentions and thoughts. But this isn't it.

For even more information on what the OP was talking about, I suggest subscribing to David DeAngelo's "Double Your Dating" newsletter.

Google: David DeAngelo scam.

Actually that's the first google suggestion when you type in his name.

There was one test that I did back in the day and I highly recommend it to all women here. I don't care if male posters think this is a mind game. For women, it could literally be a life saver.


The Potential For Domestic Violence test.

I first posted this in another thread (maybe it was here, maybe it was in a the Women's Forum) after reading a thread from a female poster who had found herself in an abusive relationship. It had "snuck up" on her, as such things often do. He seemed like a "nice guy" initially but when he got mad, he lashed out at her physically and then blamed her for "making" him do it.

Here is the test:

A man with a high potential for domestic violence is most likely to do it if he gets very mad. But he's not going to get mad at you when you first meet or go on first dates. He won't get mad at you until the relationship is well under way. So how do you screen him out? Find out how he gets mad at other people. Observe his behaviour when he is angry at somebody else: a coworker, some terrible driver, a waiter who takes a long time etc. Does he blow up furiously at this person? At some point, that anger will be turned on you. Don't go out with him. Does he brag about some past time when he got a disturbing revenge on somebody or "messed him up"? At some point that vengefulness will be turned on you. Don't go out with him.

This test isn't foolproof (no test is) but I believe it is helpful. I have never been in an abusive relationship and this may be partly because there were a couple of men that that never got past the first or second date with me based on how they reacted in anger to others.

Everybody gets angry. The question is how that anger is expressed.

Safer anger: raising voice and arguing loudly but not with uncontrolled swearing, stomping off in a huff, venting to others, hitting tables

Not so safe: uncontrolled swearing and desire to physically fight in something other than self defense, anger about small things, bragging about past violent fights

Yes, it's a test. And I used it in my youth and recommend it. I also believe women with Aspergers Syndrome are at an increased risk of getting into a relationship with an abusive man on account of missing subtle red flags for violence. Of course, NT women also get into such relationships so I think we all need to stay aware, regardless of neurology.

^^ See? That makes sense. Janissy, as always, has contributed wisely.

really? it's 'jerking him around' to go out for ice cream? or to ask him to run an errand? or to bring along a chaperone on a date? (that one s just weird, but maybe she didn't trust the OP)...

guys have some weird ideas of what girls are asking for.