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I am new to this forum and all of this. I've just recently started researching adult autism first and then AS, as that came up as sort of a passing comment by my own therapist in regards to my husband. I am now very strongly of the belief my husband has AS. I have not even told him my newfound thoughts on this but am planning to. I am not sure if he will take this angrily or not. For me, it is very much a sense of relief as to finding out why his behavior is what it is and will give me more patience I think.

The advice I need: I was going to give him information on it by way of symptoms and articles. He is in his 50s and has been functioning fine, so I don't see a need for medical support. Am I incorrect on this? Also any other suggestions how to go about telling him my thoughts?

Hi Mobi and welcome.

Your post didn't go into detail about your husband's character or temperment, or your relationship with him; so it is pretty hard for a third party to advise you on this.

I can tell you though that I was in my early 50's when I first began to suspect I had Asperger's. I felt more relief than anything else; at least there was an explanation for many of the things that had mystified me throughout my life. Knowing I'm somewhere on the spectrum has helped me identify areas that I need to work on (mostly interpersonal relationships) and explained some of the wild talents I have. Although I did not pursue getting a formal dx, knowing what this is has been helpful in understanding others as well as myself.

I suspect your husband might feel the same; however whether you should be the source of the information is your call.

Good luck and I hope you will enjoy WrongPlanet.

Hello Mobi,

I come from an Aspie family (parents, siblings), am 'borderline' Asperger's myself, have an Aspie next-door neighbour, AND have an Aspie partner: I've always been 'surrounded by', and can be a bit of an Aspie-Spotter as a consequence!

My thoughts on telling your husband what you believe, though:

1. Will it benefit him?

It will certainly benefit you if you understand how and why your husband thinks or acts like this or that; but would it benefit him to know? Would it enhance his self-image, or would it depress him in some way?

Also to bear in mind: Would it benefit him to receive a diagnosis and then maybe have to declare AS as a 'disability' to his employers, his insurance companies, and in financial applications?

2. What does he think about Aspies?

Does your husband believe Aspies are geeks, nerds, or losers? If so, I don't suppose he would like being called one! If you don't know what he thinks, you could attempt to find out by saying something like, 'I've been reading about Asperger's, and, do you know, I think that [insert name of family member, friend, or famous person] could be an Aspie,' and see how he responds.

It would, of course, be useful to bring into this conversation lots of positive remarks like, 'I expect that is why they are so brilliant!' or, 'Maybe that contributes to their marvellous skill/interest in [whatever],' or, 'Perhaps that is why I like them so much.'

3. What do YOU think about Aspies?

Maybe this one should have come first. 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'

If you can't list lots of really good things about Asperger's, and you can't speak honestly about why it is absolutely wonderful to have an Aspie husband .... maybe, for now, it is better to keep quiet.

4. Leading on from above: Can you speak of your suspicions in a positive light?

It is easier to hear, for example, 'You know, you are not the only one who has that wonderful way of ...... relaxing with rythymic movement / being so dedicated to your hobby / not filling the air with meaningless small talk,' than, 'I've discovered why you are so weird, selfish, and socially inept.'

5. Are you able to accept that in a one-to-one situation YOU are being seen as the one with the strange ways of thinking and acting?

It is not all one-way! In society at large, you may be in the majority; but, in the home, it is an equal 50-50 split. Therefore, one way of approaching the subject may be along the lines of, 'I've just realised I think differently to you. I must be such a puzzle to you at times. I wonder if you could help me become more comprehensible to you?' or, 'I feel so boring in comparison to you: I've got no deep interests; I'm always worrying about what other people think of me; and I'm endlessly fussing around doing little jobs that really don't matter. I wonder why I've got such a scattered brain?'

6. Do you want to enhance the relationship between you and him?

Which maybe leads round in a circle to #1 and 'Will it benefit him?' Will it benefit both of you? Will it benefit your relationship? You are in this together. What is going to benefit the relationship the most: to speak now about AS, or to spend a year affirming and admiring your husband in general first? Or maybe, if applicable, just aiming first at sorting out any communication or lifestyle difficulties or differences WITHOUT ever mentioning your differing brains at all?

I wish you and your husband the best, Mobi. May the future just bring you both extra-special bonding.

- Dani.

I suggest the book "An Anthropologist on Mars", by Oliver Sacks. It has one chapter on someone autistic, one on some with AS, and a number of unrelated case studies. Sacks is a very good writer, so if your husband reads science books, you could just make this a present, and leave it up to him whether he sees anything familiar in the book and if so, what he says about it.

Thanks very much for the responses and replies. Not being one to hold things in for long, I decided to talk to him today and it went well.
Initially this all came about when we saw a segment on TV about an adult with autism coping with relationships. This man clearly had a debilitating case of autism, although there were certain aspects of his behavior and what he said that I thought were a lot like my husband or our relationship and I mentioned those to my own therapist. She thought I should investigate it further, which I did. I did not know about AS or anything on the autism spectrum really, so it's been a lot of information to take in (and still am) but it was like all the puzzle pieces fit together. His struggles with all his previous relationships made sense as well as other quirks or frustrations or however someone wanted to look at them about his personality.
After talking to him, he said he had wanted to say something to me about that TV show too and didn't, about how he felt it sounded like it was him. One of the first things I saw after that was a good but short interview of Dr. Vernon Smith and his wife Candace and I felt I had finally made it to the right place.
I'm glad I found this forum and have already learned so much from everyone. Thank you!

I'd just like to second this recommendation; this is an outstanding and very entertaining book.