omg HELP! I think I'm in love!

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I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do...

I met a girl online and we've been exchanging emails and I am absolutely spellbound by her. She is the most beautiful woman I've EVER seen, she is a good person and very sweet and... I can't even describe her in a way that does justice to her! She's like one of the paintings out of the faerie-princesses 2010 calendar on my wall. And she's so cute, and she is absolutely angelic. I cannot stop thinking about her. I sat at my computer literally all day today rocking back and forth in excitement as I awaited each of her many emails so that I could read them the moment they arrived and reply as soon as possible. And she and I have so much in common personality-wise. OMG it's like I *dreamed* her or something, but she's actually real for real.

But aaaahh! I don't know what to do. How do I meet this pixie in real life? She lives in the same town as me. How do I ask her out? What kinds of places do NT people like to go to that are also autistic-friendly (quiet, no crowds, no flashing lights)? How do I tell her how I feel about her, and when? And when and how do I tell her I am autistic? I don't know anything about dating. When can I buy her a present without risking it being one of those awkward "too-soon" things that I always do? What exactly qualifies a date as a date in the first place? What do I talk to her about? And what do I tell her about me?? I don't know the steps of the mating dance. Please help me figure out how to capture this pixie! Note: she is too big to net and keep in a bottle.

Be careful not to seem "too eager". Don't tell her you're autistic. If you can pass for normal, for example, not tripping over yourself when you enter buildings, then you're close enough to normal that, all she will need to know about your differences, is that there are some things you don't like, and everybody has something they don't like. Keep us posted on how it goes!

That's the difficult part, when I try to pass for NT I come off as angry and psychopathic without meaning to, I really can't help it. And in contrast when I just act like myself I am awkward and bumbling but "sweet" and "unique." And I can't fake not-clumsy, clumsy and awkward just is no matter how NT I try to look.

So maybe it would be best if I compromise on that piece of advice, just be myself but not tell her I'm autistic unless for some reason she brings up my, um, idionsyncracies? Would that be ok?

Sounds good. It's not surprising that attempts to appear NT might make one appear psychopathic. I had this belief that the emotional expressiveness of other people is a contrived thing, brought out at random for some kind of "psychodrama" effect that they get something out of. If I try to mimic this, it doesn't work right and my effort is not appreciated.

Okay, I can only give advice from my own perspective. I fell in love this way, too. And reading your post, OP, was a really beautiful thing. I am SO happy for you. I fell in love with an aspie and I didn't know I was, too. Which means he understood me in a way no one else ever has--I finally got to be myself for the first time in my life.

When we met for the first time, though, I was unprepared for his aspie-ness and thought he was rejecting me after meeting me in person--that (typically) I just didn't measure up to his expectations.

I guess I'd keep talking online for a bit...maybe make sure she's feeling the same as you before you cross that face to face meeting challenge. IM'g might give you a better chance to get to know one another, versus e-mail. If she's truly the right person for you, then I think maybe you should work to be yourself in all ways, not 'the ideal person who will get the girl'. That might be heady in the chase, but leads to guaranteed disaster in the end. Be yourself. And give yourself the best chances of finding a good match.

Just me, but after getting to know her pretty well, I might tell her about my ASD and see how she reacts. I have a hard time pretending to be normal. I can do it, but it takes a lot out of my emotionally and physically. Up to you to feel out when is a good time.

Last, I told you I fell in love this way. Hard. We both become each other's special interest. I have to caution you about that a little. It's intoxicating to have that kind of obsession, but the thing is, if the relationship sours, it leaves you in a very bad place. Not only is the break up devastating, the loss of your special interest is as well and...well, stalking is illegal. So...see what you can do to keep up your other interests and keep yourself from getting too involved too early. If this is meant to be, there is loads of time to get to know one another.

Best of luck!! ! I'm SO excited for you.

Thanks for the advice, i will do my best. I'm trying to breathe deep and think out what might be a reasonable next baby-step and I think I need to slow down a little and ponder more, I don't want to make a mistake and get heartbroken.

I can't help but think your enthusiasm sounds very obsessive but since you asked very straightforward questions I'm just gonna answer those instead.



Tell her you think you'd hit it off seeing as you have so much in common and would like to meet in IRL. (somewhere very public and on her terms seeing as she
would be agreeing to meet you - mr random off the Internet)


Quiet cafè. Jazz/art oriented cafes tend to be more mellow and calm while still being considered cool. Try to meet there some time of the day when there's less people.



OK.. first thing first. Meet her and see if you hit it off. You must wait until you have established some friendly repertoire. Then you can tell her you find her interesting and cute.. or something.. something witch tells her you are interested in her as more than a friend but without coming on to strong. Just let her know you could think of her as more than a friend but without letting her know you've pretty much picked out the dance for the wedding (seriously... you're obsessing).

And as for releasing this stream of pixie-adoration. Wait... and then wait some more, and then some more... and then come back and ask us later.

Really that is key.. you said you have a tendency to come on to strong and I know how that feels like. It stems from being so involved in your own thoughts that you forget what other people know about a situation and what you know. Be careful to "return to reality" before you meet her, remembering what you have actually spoken to her off, and how friendly or not friendly you have actually been in the past and what would be appropriate. It is very easy to slip into a mode where you "think on behalf of her" in your fantasies.



When you get to know her better. Let her get to know you first.. perhaps she'll notice something is different. But people react strangely to a diagnosis. Right now she might be thinking "that's just the way he is"... let her get to know you... not Asperger's.



Her birthday or christmas if you know each other well enough by then.



Agreeing on an activity and meeting to do said activity. Activity can be as simply as having a coffee. If you mean a romantic date then you also need to figure in that both parties know that htat is what it is. But don't push that point for the first date. Just meet her for the first time and let her see that you are not crazy. One date is not enough for her to put you in the friend zone unless you tell her you'd like to be there.



Whatever you've been talking about online. Comment on the places and people around you. Let the conversation drift.



What you'd like her to know? What she asks you about?



If you try a mating dance please please for the sake of Internity make a video and upload it.



I'm sure you meant it as a joke.... but sorta creepy.

Last edited by Yasmine on 08 Oct 2010, 6:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Be yourself.. lots of women like sweet and clumsy. And some don't... It's a risk everyone have to take. It's better to take that risk being who you are because pretending to be someone else sucks. Though of course dress in your best and make a good first-impression. But a good first-impression of yourself, not someone else.

Congratulations .. If she is real.

Anyone can send you an email and claim to be a hot chick. I hope that is not true in your case. But there are a lot of scammers out there that will send guys a photo of a hot girl and con them into thinking they have a new girlfriend. Usually, the scam works like this... The "girl" will eventually ask for money so she can come visit/marry you. She lives in a far away place or another country and you need to wire her the money to buy a plane ticket. In most cases, the scammers turn out to be guys.

Like I said, I hope you have the real thing, but I would make her prove that she is real by asking for her phone number so you can call her. A lot of scammers (being male) don't want to talk to you. A webcam would be even better. If she doesn't have one, ask her for her address so you can mail her one.

Good luck...

Ok, thank you to everyone for the advice, it all sounds very reasonable and has given me a better idea of what to do and not do.

It's good you have someone to throw some affection to.

I don't know how much help I could be since I haven't had much success in this area, but I always tell myself "Keep it real". Stick to the facts of the situation and not the obsessive fantasies. I know it's hard not to do in these infatuation periods, but try to recognize that such obsessiveness is what will probably kill this. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of doing everything for her, if she likes you, she'll come to you on her accord as well. Try to keep it 50/50, half your effort, half hers. You got to give up a bit of control in this and just let things happen.

Well if you've only been e-mailing thus far, I'd suggest you try asking her if she uses an IM service or exchange phone numbers to talk or text. Just keep talking about whatever it is you usually talk about and bring in some new subjects or mention something interesting that happened to you recently. If she lives in the area, ask if she's ever been to so and so place and see if you can find out what places she might like to go to. You could say something like, "It'd be cool to meet up sometime" or something like that and see how receptive she is to the idea.

Have something in mind when you do offer to meet up though, but "Keep it real". Don't let fantasies cloud your judgment or you will get disappointed. If you do meet, more than likely, not much will happen. Both of you will be a bit nervous and it's just a first meeting, so don't go in expecting anything overly romantic to occur. I'd just focus on something like a shared interest and have fun. Heck, keep yourself open to the possibility that you may not find her attractive in person, she might even be too NT for yourself to handle. If it seems to go well then keep up the communication and keep going out.

Realistically that's as much as advice as i can give since I've never really got beyond that point. I know if you're seeking a BF/GF thing you have to keep the flirtation on and keep provoking attraction, but I don't know where the window of opportunity is in regards to being a potential BF material or just friends is.

As for letting her know about your AS, I'd wait on it until she seems to notice your behavior. By then she might be wanting to know and then telling her might easier.
Good luck with it.