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Silverweed
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 7 Nov 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 73
Location: United States

18 Sep 2010, 11:33 am

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Last edited by Silverweed on 21 Sep 2010, 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hartzofspace
Supporting Member

Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled

18 Sep 2010, 4:10 pm

I am in a relatively new relationship with a guy, and we both have AS. I have found that the best thing is to be yourself! And always be honest. If I think my boyfriend is angry, I simply ask him. There is a 50-50 chance I can guess right, but I don't count on it. And, if he thinks I am upset, he will ask. So, if your guy is assuming a thing, simply tell him what you said here. That you were enjoying his touching, but have trouble expressing that non verbally. My boyfriend thought that I wasn't enjoying his kisses, and I had to assure him that I was! Apparently, my facial expression told him different. I frown a lot, too, so that had to play into it. Honesty is the only way this relationship will work. If we start assuming things about each other, it leads into arguments. Hope that helps!

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Ambrose_Rotten
Velociraptor

Joined: 22 Jul 2010
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 453
Location: Madison, WI

18 Sep 2010, 5:20 pm

Silverweed wrote:

My boyfriend and I are about 18, and we both have Aspergers. We haven't been dating for super long -- we're still getting to know each other. It's difficult for me to make judgments about his character at this point, but I do know that I like him a lot. But he's my friend's best friend, they've known each other for awhile and she's told me that he's a wonderful guy (and she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders, so I think I can generally trust what she says). One thing I've noticed is like, whenever he touches me, he always asks whether or not I'm comfortable with it first (usually I'm fine with it).

Last night the two of us decided to go to the movies. The day before, he told my dad that he would drive me back at 9:30. During the movie, he was touching me a lot -- but again, that's okay with me. We were having a really fun time, and then all of sudden after the movie, when we were in the car he said that he was having second thoughts about our relationship, because he was weirded out by some of my habits and because he thinks I don't tell him how I feel. Apparently, he thought I was uncomfortable with him touching me and afraid to say so (which isn't true, but I wasn't sure how to tell him that). He was extremely distant for the rest of the evening -- which is unusual for him -- and the evening became very strained.

Is this just a temporary kink (like, everything will be better tomorrow) or is it the kind of thing that will put our relationship under strain and cause tension between the two of us from now on? Is there anything I can do about it?

I'm sorry if I sound stupid or clueless but I've never been in a relationship before and it's hard to know what's right when I really don't know what to expect or have anything to compare it to.

The thing about me is that my emotions are extremely internalized; frequently I come across as one way and feel something completely different. It's pretty hard for me to know exactly what I'm projecting to other people. Perhaps it was a combination of my poor communication abilities and his poor interpretation that led him to think I was uncomfortable with him. Either way, this kind of bad communication has posed problems for me before and likely will in the future if I don't do something about it.

I would think that if you reassure him that you will tell him if you're feeling uncomfortable, eventually that will sink in. I can usually tell if someone's uncomfortable or not, but I usually ask anyway (I believe that everyone should be more up-front about this stuff. Not just people with AS - lots of people have problems with non-verbal communication. Not just us.).

Still, just reassure him that you're comfortable with it, and maybe offer some affection in return (if you're comfortable with doing that, of course). It's a more effective way of saying that your feelings are mutual.

It's only a slight bump in the road as far as the relationship is concerned. Just don't ignore it if the problem persists.

Silverweed
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 7 Nov 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 73
Location: United States

18 Sep 2010, 8:25 pm

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Last edited by Silverweed on 21 Sep 2010, 8:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hartzofspace
Supporting Member

Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled

18 Sep 2010, 9:04 pm

Silverweed wrote:

Quote:

simply tell him what you said here. That you were enjoying his touching

But... wouldn't that be a rather awkward thing to say out loud?

Perhaps. Maybe you could write him a letter? I had a hard time saying certain things out loud, but now have gotten in the habit. Sometimes, I have to rehearse what I am going to say,to make sure it doesn't sound as if I am criticizing, or being demanding. But communicating is all important! If you were enjoying his touching, but feel uncomfortable saying it, you could just summarize, like "I really enjoyed our evening together. I feel a lot closer to you now." Or something like that.

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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner

michael23
Raven
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Joined: 2 May 2009
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 102

18 Sep 2010, 9:05 pm

I would have to agree with that because if you do not tell him how you feel about certain things that are happening in your relationship with him, you may end up losing him for good.

buryuntime
Veteran
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Joined: 6 Dec 2008
Age: 86
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,662

18 Sep 2010, 9:08 pm

Just tell him. If you both have Asperger's I don't understand why such a thing would occur if you were just honest and upfront with eachother. To me it just seems like you both are trying to follow social rules that you don't fully understand, thus communication issues.

hyperlexian
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Age: 52
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Posts: 22,023
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19 Sep 2010, 1:02 pm

michael23 wrote:

I would have to agree with that because if you do not tell him how you feel about certain things that are happening in your relationship with him, you may end up losing him for good.

yes, exactly. if he can't 'sense' that you like him touching you, the only other way for him to know is if you tell him.

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