Betraying an aspie...

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I've read in these forums that once you betray an aspie, the relationship is pretty much doomed. Why is that if they are so loyal and forgiving?

there is very little to believe in in this world... i just ask for one friggin thing....................................

When I call someone a "friend" or place my trust in them, it is very serious... it may not seem like such at the time, but my trust lasts until that trust is betrayed, or until death...

That's why I take betrayal very seriously...

Alot of us have been hurt in the past by people that we have trusted.
Also, whether or not they are forgiving really depends on the person, but most of us (at least as far as I know) are generally accepting and we tend to trust others until we have a reason not to. Once we have a reason not to trust someone, however, that person has to work really hard to gain back our trust.

Well loyalty is a 2 way street, if i get betrayed and it has to do with principal, the relationship is over at that point.

Also forgiveness is gods job, not mine. Do you remember that saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? I tend to learn from my mistakes the first time they happen and don't tend to repeat them.

This is true I lived with a guy who was diagnosed as an aspie and well we were friends imo but one day I came home an my ps2 memory card was missing and so I blamed him and pretty much flipped out at him over this

he then searched like the whole house and even my room and we couldn't find it and I was like fine whatever we can't find it but the guy lioke kept searchin for like the whole night an then took it way too seriously then when we couldnt find it he seem to not consider me in the "friend" territory the nxt day

normally if there is a fight or something with your NT friend you make up the next day or make some stupid joke an its all back to normal or something but once i was out of friend territory with this guy it was like completely over he was a completely diff person around me from then on and it never changed for the rest of the time i lived with him

i also did this to my parents and can hold long grudges too which is why I think it might be kind of a trademark of aspie/autistic people to hold on to a grudge.

I don't know if he was angry with me but lets just sya he tried a lot less then before to be friendly so it appeared he was angry about the friendship

okay but ive been cheated on twice.
I tried to forgive the first one But it really didnt work i just didnt trust him anymore.
xx

The reason is very simple:

It takes many good deeds to gain someone's trust, but only one bad deed to lose it.

I have had a TON of experience relating to this. I will admit I do tend to hold grudges despite the fact the life is too short I know and will really only trust someone once and if they blow it thats that. I have been screwed with quite a bit in life, so I learned not to trust someone who screws me because it happened so much that they would regain my trust then screw me again, it was a cycle that did nothing but cause alot of hardach for me and I have learned to not let it happen. I have held grudges for many years towards people and over time that will fade. I am willing to chat with people I have not seen since high school even tho they messed with me and made fun of me, only because its years later and I dont hold a grudge my whole life towards anybody for the most part.

I think my problem is (I will try not to speak for other HFA/AS people) that I have such a hard time reading people and knowing what makes them tick, their motivations. I have had many positive and negative experiences with people and so I have learned that after a while what to expect from people. Now if its someone I dont know well and they screw me over, then thats it probably for life, I have no desire to hang out anylonger and be friends. Other times it can be someone I have known for a while, years even, and one day we have a fight or trust is lost. Now I become less trustworthy and more cold towards them as a defence mechanism, I will open up to them if its been a while since the incident and they work to re-establish trust and friendship so overtime I become less cold, but whenever this happens as far as I am concerned it is up to them to re-establish trust and friendship. If they screwed up and we had a nasty fight then if they dont work to show me they are trustowrthy, or I really value their friendship like a best friend, or they talk to me and are nice for a while, if that does not happen the friendship is dead in my eyes and I will be cold to them forever, never forgetting, never allowing them back in because at that point its too akward and pointless to carry on with someone who could potentally hurt me again or cause me to work for a friendship that I may preceive is fake anyways, I have learned to just look away and go on with life without them.

It probably depends on what the betrayal is. I would think, though, if you made some kind of effort to make up for your betrayal, the aspie in question would be just dying to forgive you. Then again, I can only really speak for myself. If an aspie trusts you and is loyal to you, they probably consider it to be very important; taking it for granted shows a lack of caring that can really cut deep (depending on the severity of the betrayal).

In Dante's Inferno, traitors were in the ninth and lowest circle of Hell. The three worst traitors were Judas Iscariot, Brutus (betrayed Julius Caesar), and Cassius (another betrayer of Caesar). They were being gnawed on constantly by the three faces of Satan. The other traitors were frozen in a lake.

All good points of view, or different aspects of the same one. I would add that life IS short, and too short to waste on people who act in a distrustful manner. They WILL likely repeat the behavior, and since so many of us have great difficulty reading motivations, it is difficult to see things coming. No one likes surprises, especially when they are the emotional equivilant of stepping on a landmine.

I always thought that Aspies were less likely to lie or cheat.

Tim

All my life i used to lie and cheat because I didn't feel others and I knew I could get away with it.
I pushed them away as hard as I could because I simply didn't feel they mattered.

However only at a much later age when I'd pushed them all away, and found some new ones, did I actually want to hold on to some friends.

I am a very honest person, it physically hurts me to lie, however I could tell 10 different versions of the truth, and always have been able to, if you get me?

Betrayal is a lot harder on Aspies than NTs because Aspies are usually more likely to end up being victimized being stabbed in the back compared to NTs.

Their friendships tend to be over-concentrated on a few people compared to NTs that spread their friendships out over a larger number of people. The betrayal therefore will have a greater impact.

Being someone who's been screwed over many times before, I have had many years to ponder the subject...

I think it has to do with how casual NT's consider "friendship" to be... if an aspie calls someone a friend, it is most likely to be something much more serious than the NT level of OMGBFFLEETSAUCE!!1

So many people have been offended because I didn't think they were my friends (by my definition, although they didn't know that). Now I just call them friends to shut them up (I'm not lying to them, just translating into their terms... if I were an NT, they would be friends...) I consider myself to have two friends outside my family, but I have a couple hundred "friends" (acquaintances)...

If the aspie does consider an NT to be a friend, the NT would treat the aspie as if they were friends on the NT level, which may involve certain things that a real friendship would never have. The NT's casual treatment of what they call "friendship" can be seen as betrayal of the friendship by the aspie.

In the end, it's all just one massive miscommunication, but one that can have serious reprecussions if people don't reach a common understanding...