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CherryBombH
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17 Sep 2010, 6:04 pm

Hi -

This is my first post and I need some advice.

I met an Aspie man online (not on a dating service) and we've become friends. Now I've fallen for him. I blurted out early on said that I had a crush on him and he said that we should be friends for right now. At first I stopped talking to him to try to get him out of my head, but couldn't. We continued our correspondence and I kept thinking something would happen that would turn me off, but the opposite has happened.

Since he's an Aspie and I'm just learning what that means, I have a hard time figuring out what his true feelings are. He doesn't say it, but his actions make me think he cares for me romantically too. What do I do? I just don't think I can say anything to him at this point, but I'm not known for my patience.

Advice, please ... and thank you.



emlion
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17 Sep 2010, 6:20 pm

He might appreciate you just being direct and telling him.
It's easier than having to read your more subtle hints.



CherryBombH
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17 Sep 2010, 6:22 pm

Emlion -
But I already told him I had a crush on him..... do I need to say more? I don't want to lose the friendship....



emlion
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17 Sep 2010, 6:24 pm

You said you thought he felt the same way?
If he does, you won't lose the friendship- because it should (hopefully) develop, right?



CherryBombH
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17 Sep 2010, 7:34 pm

But what if I'm wrong?

Will an Aspie guy come out and say "I love you"?



ToadOfSteel
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17 Sep 2010, 8:21 pm

CherryBombH wrote:
But what if I'm wrong?

Will an Aspie guy come out and say "I love you"?


If he actually does love you, and he feels comfortable enough, he should end up saying it. Just get ready to never hear it enough...



SuperApsie
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17 Sep 2010, 8:48 pm

Quote:
He doesn't say it, but his actions make me think he cares for me romantically too.


What are these actions?


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CherryBombH
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17 Sep 2010, 9:28 pm

Actions - I need to keep my anonymity, but let's see ... what can I say ... whenever I'm sad about something he jumps on it and tries to find some logical way to help me. If someone has hurt me (emotionally) he finds a way to express dislike for this person. There is this strong protective streak he has with me. I don't know ... he just seems eager to connect with me. More than a "friend" would do. If I mention that an actor or a musician is hot, he tends to get quite quiet. Although he doesn't seem to mind mentioning who he thinks is hot. There is another very strong indication that came out recently, that may be coincidence or not, but I can't say it or I'll blow my anonymity.

I just am confused since the AS just makes me question all signals that say "go." He was showing romantic inclinations when I mentioned the crush and then he just seemed to freak and think I meant "marriage" which is actually not on my mind at all.

But being the insecure NT I am and having felt blown off the first time, I just need to hear the words... I just am not sure if AS guys can say those words or if I just need to be extremely patient. I just hate the idea of telling him my feelings for a second time and then getting rejected again.

Thoughts???



SuperApsie
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17 Sep 2010, 10:11 pm

Quote:
whenever I'm sad about something he jumps on it and tries to find some logical way to help me. If someone has hurt me (emotionally) he finds a way to express dislike for this person. There is this strong protective streak he has with me. I don't know ... he just seems eager to connect with me. More than a "friend" would do. If I mention that an actor or a musician is hot, he tends to get quite quiet. Although he doesn't seem to mind mentioning who he thinks is hot.


Good, he is reactive and caring

Asperger is something we get when we are born, these are very strong and common symptoms, nevertheless the emerging personality is altered by experience and there is no silver bullet here. So let me explain how I lived friendship with two girls: one I loved and one I didn't

The one I didn't. I was rational, funny and close but kept a "safe distance", so if you feel something of a rationalization with humor but which looks like some advice a parent would told you, it should cast some doubts

For the one I loved, I was too scared to destroy the friendship too, I was rational, funny and close, but because I was in love I just pushed some subtle connotations in the conversations. I was expecting she would bounce back on them.

So my advice would be: activate and resonate his feelings, talk and make him talk about feelings, say are feeling when he says something you like and ask him how did he came to tell what he just did, then slip a "love you" instead a good night.

After a couple of years, I said to myself, if she really was a friend to me, she would not bother if I told her I loved her and she did not.

Godspeed


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CherryBombH
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17 Sep 2010, 10:23 pm

Thanks SuperAspie -

You know, looking back, whenever he says anything that I think I could take to mean a more romantic liking on his part, I get quiet and don't respond. I choke and worry that if I say anything that makes him think I like him romantically - I will have gotten it wrong, that I was just wanting to hear what wasn't there and I'll scare him off. I think I've been missing some moments. Maybe I'm more scared than I realized.

Thanks again. Maybe it's me who needs to do some encouraging. This love stuff is so difficult - even for us NTs. :)



SuperApsie
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17 Sep 2010, 10:47 pm

Go on! make it interactive and deep, make him talk and do not over-analyze his steps through the conversations


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Slipperman
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18 Sep 2010, 1:49 am

Personally I think you should let him know how you truly feel about him.

Me, I'm an Aspie male, and I do let girls I'm interested in know that I really like them (although it always results in me getting rejected :cry: ). I wish there was a girl I really liked who had the same feelings for me...

Tim (aka the Slipperman)



FemmeFatale
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18 Sep 2010, 7:01 am

SuperAspie -

For the friend that you loved, what kinds of reactions were you looking for as you made comments in your conversations with her? Had you told her that you loved her? Did you want her to be the one to indicate that the friendship or relationship should progress further? Did you want the friendship to progress into a relationship?



CherryBombH
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18 Sep 2010, 7:30 am

Good questions, Femme Fatale - @SuperAspie - can you respond?

@Slipperman - My heart goes out to you, truly. We all deserve love and I think we all are loveable. You just have to keep trying, not too hard though, and you'll find someone. I read some posts here and I guess I fit into the type of woman who is very open-minded. I've always been drawn to anything that is different, interesting. I think someone called it xenophillic or something like that. And my interests are quite eclectic. I like smart people - people who make me think, get out of my box. So .... you need to find out where this type of woman hangs out and go there. Book clubs, writing clubs, library events, university events, progressive/alternative rock venues, cultural events - art shows, museums, and such. My guy and I were extremely lucky (or maybe it was something else?) to have found each other the way we did. Good luck! :)

One more question to everyone - so you think that just cuz my friend freaked out the first time I said I had a crush, he may have thought more about it and came around to recognizing the same feelings in himself? I'm so nervous ...



CherryBombH
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18 Sep 2010, 8:24 am

@Slipperman - I thought about what I wrote and realized I was looking at the "dating/friendship" scene from an NT point of view. I know it's hard to go out and about and chat up people you don't know. But I really think the venues where you don't look odd coming without a friend and where you don't have to go out of your way to talk to someone might be a good idea. For ex, book groups (there are public ones through libraries and book stores) are meant for people to create new friendships and people are there without friends - usually. Book readings, music venues - people end up standing/sitting next to people they don't know. And you already have a topic to make very short conversation about. Then if you're into a hobby, join a club. Even if it's not your thing, think of a hobby where more women might be interested in the topic and join - art, dance, glasswork. You never know - you might like it....



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18 Sep 2010, 9:20 am

CherryBombH wrote:
Hi -

This is my first post and I need some advice.

I met an Aspie man online (not on a dating service) and we've become friends. Now I've fallen for him. I blurted out early on said that I had a crush on him and he said that we should be friends for right now. At first I stopped talking to him to try to get him out of my head, but couldn't. We continued our correspondence and I kept thinking something would happen that would turn me off, but the opposite has happened.

Since he's an Aspie and I'm just learning what that means, I have a hard time figuring out what his true feelings are. He doesn't say it, but his actions make me think he cares for me romantically too. What do I do? I just don't think I can say anything to him at this point, but I'm not known for my patience.

Advice, please ... and thank you.


He'll ignore you because he's just interested in casual sex and not a relationship, or he'll think you're just another bully.