Advice on GF online

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I have an online GF. She lives in a different country. She says she is an Aspie too. I am not sure because I don't read her like I can others with AS. Although lately I am understanding her better. We are very stubborn and all we seem to do is argue! She says she loves me. Maybe in my own funny way I love her too. But it has been only a few months. I was not looking for anything in particular [maybe I am still not] and she was just browsing and found me? I say to her, she could do "so much better" which she finds patronising somewhat.

When we are on chat I will often drift off into something when she is speaking through poor concentration which is never intentional and this irritates her and she will get angry and call me names, then later she will apologize, everything will be alright again. She is very interested in sexual things and I like all of that but feel awkward and clumsy. I wondered if anyone had any ideas on how to make myself concentrate better. Also I know I am very unskilled at saying the right things and spend a lot of time having to explain what I really meant. With other Aspies, I seldom have to do this.

Calls you names?

How old are you both?
I wouldn't disregard her diagnosis though based on what you said. All aspies are different.

The age question from Hale_Bopp is important, it helps us identify what potential tools you have (or are lacking) in your tool chest of experience. In addition, is this (and hers) first relationship? Have you done the long range / distance thing before?

Ignore the aspie thing as it isn't relative at this point.

1. You are in a long distance relationship with contact via email, phone, skype, etc. How to make it work?
2. It appears the relationship has a certain level of strife within
3. Communication skills aren't fully present.

So...

To address and help a long distance relationship survive, frequent and honest communication must be at its core. Its extremely easy to lose interest and for someone locally to swoop in and take the attention thereby making the other person feel negleected.

Certain people like drama and a little strife in their life and it seems that this relationship may be one of them. It could also be part of the "I have someone to vent with/on" which may be okay - if you can handle it. This adds spice to some relationships and some guys actually seek it out (make up sex, drama, actually showing affection/caring) and some women like having someone they can trust enough to "let loose" and be able to apologize to later.

Finally, because of the strife, you need to find out if she's upset with you, upset with herself or just venting. "Venting" is typically the easy answer as it saves face for her, but be aware - you do not want to be in a relationship where you are the punching bag. She needs to accept that sometimes you don't want to hear it and to also allow each others to switch roles.

If you feel awkward, be sure you have the free line for open and honest communication. Share with her your feelings (if you allow her to vent, she needs to listen to your insecurities).

And yes, telling her she can do better is patronizing. It's hurts just as much as saying you could do better but are settling for her. If she likes you, let her like you and don't control or tell her she's wrong. If you like her - keep your trap shut on this point.

Thank you to hale_bopp and to Merle...

First of all I am 17 years more old than her. I really like having her in my world. She is funny and kind and we have a great shared interest in music. I read about Merle saying this was patronizing what I had said, it was the same when she plans to visit England to see me, I told her money would be better spent elsewhere. I say these things directly because they are what I feel, the same as everything else, I generally always tell the truth and give out often too much information and also can be to the wrong people. I often do not spot potential dangers.

Well she has decided that I am the one [for her] and accepts that I don't [yet] physically feel the same for her, I'm confused about this as I have her pictures etc and she is real pretty. She does not have or want children herself which I think is a superb quality in a person. She can be quite overpowering [in messenger], it is like if she does not get what she wants she will cut off or say something bad but she always does apologize and I like to talk to her even about difficult things because already I know she mostly is a kind and decent girl.

I did not know the term "venting" or it's meaning. It is nice that people can read and take time to help with this. I have told her about wrongplanet too and she said she likely would not join here and so I may ask the moderators to cut this thread just to be careful, I would hate her to read this, for example, I did though feel it worth asking for advice.

Venting is when a person has a problem (e.g. work) and just wants to talk about it without looking for a solution. E.g. "My boss is such an ass, he asked me to stay at work late tonight, that's why I'm late."

Guys are typically "results oriented" and try to drive a solution, whereas some people just want a forum to openly air their problem. So when a girl (for me its usually a girl) starts talking about an issue, it's wise to know if she just wants to get something off her chest or if she's looking for you to say "Well, if it bothers you so much, maybe setting clear hours and expectations is warranted". Most of the time, the issue is enough to get upset about and need a way to "vent" the steam in order to return back to normalcy and not for someone to actually seek guidance.

How to tell? They immediately start complaining and don't qualify the initial statement in any way, shape or form (e.g. "What do you think about this..."). If it's just venting, listening with a half-mind is sufficient as you're simply going to say "Aww, that's too bad. Want to go out and have dinner to get your mind off of it?"

And yeah ... Advice is free

Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always from someones PoV and free

That doesn't mean anything. You both could be any age and it makes a big difference.

Also it is not the first time. Years back when I was 33 I had a girlfriend who was 18. There were a lot of different problems, then I could see many of them to do with our ages. Well, still I thank you for the advice, for me it is always learning, about myself and how I react to others, hopefully to make things peaceful. She has been really sweet today too. I value her far more as a friend, for the moment anyway.

Doesn't matter. The maturity level does. How old is this girl?

She is 30 and I will be 50 in 2013.