Methods for breaking routine for a relationship?

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Brundisium
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29 Sep 2010, 9:25 pm

I'm very into my routine.

Often I'll meet a girl out somewhere but if we start dating they soon realise that I'm much less exciting than that and generally want to stay home with them, but this doesn't go down well after a while.

Does anyone have any tips for helping yourself to break your routine for the sake of a relationship to make yourself less predictable?

I come up with ideas fine, it's wanting to do something other than what I usually do that's the problem.


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Yasmine
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30 Sep 2010, 5:37 am

Maybe you need to re-evaluate what kinds of women you date. There are plenty of home-bodies among women too, but they might not be found in bars since that's the opposite of staying at home and watching a movie :P

What is it you're discontent with?
Your habits? i.e you want to be more social for yourself.
Or you like your habits? and would like a gf that likes to do the same



AndreaLuna
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30 Sep 2010, 12:24 pm

Wanting to stay home and watch a movie is perfectly fine for many NT women, if they like you they want to spend time with you
The problem with Aspies and routines is that they put their routine above anybody
I dated an Aspie for three months and there was no way that he could change his routine to spend time with me even at home watching a movie
I came after everything he was doing out of his routine
If you can get out of your confort zone a bit and cancel once in a while your gym or whatever routine you have, to be with her, she will appreciate enourmously
Putting somebody first makes that person feel loved



Brundisium
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30 Sep 2010, 11:07 pm

Yasmine wrote:
What is it you're discontent with?
Your habits? i.e you want to be more social for yourself.
Or you like your habits? and would like a gf that likes to do the same


I don't like that the thought of doing anything on a Sunday but laying in bed with the person I love watching movies is something I just can't bring myself to do.

Or that I tend to focus all my attention on that person (wanting to spend my time alone with them) without actually picking up on what they want to do. Or when I ask it's something I just can't force myself to want and I get quite distressed at the idea of doing whatever it is that they want.

AndreaLuna wrote:
If you can get out of your confort zone a bit and cancel once in a while your gym or whatever routine you have, to be with her, she will appreciate enourmously
Putting somebody first makes that person feel loved


But how do I get over being upset about breaking my routine?

Relationships are something I understand quite well in some aspects at least. I want to make whoever I'm with feel loved and I want to do things for them because their reaction is very fulfilling, but being able to is another thing altogether. I want to do lots of things for them but I really can get quite panicky about leaving the house on a day that I'm not supposed to. Or pretty much doing anything on a day where I'm not supposed to or just feel like I can't handle it.


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AndreaLuna
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01 Oct 2010, 8:52 am

Brundisium, sweetie,
maybe I am not be the best person to give advice on this since I am NT and we don't experience this panic when we break routines. But I do have issues with other things (what is NT anyway?) and the only thing i can tell you is that when there is something that scares me I push through and do it anyway even if I feel very unconfortable about it. The point is not to feel OK about but to try to do it anyway. Unfortunately, it all comes down to using a language that both you and the NT girl you are with can understand and that it can deepen your relationship. If she feels constantly rejceted cause you rather stick to your routine than spend time with her, she will eventually leave. This does not make her a bad person, but a person that decipher your behavior using her NT experience. Try to remember what your behavior would mean if you were a NT guy. It would mean "I am not very interested in you and I really do not care so much about you". The point is to send her the message that this is not the case. I would also consider explaining to her you are an Aspie and what your challenges are. If she is smart and she cares, she will stick around and work with you to find common ground. I dated an Aspie but he never told me he is. I figured it out after we broke up and I can tell you it would have made a huge difference if i knew because I do care very much about him. The problem though is that I was very confused by his behavior and ended up believing he did not give a crap about me. Again I was interpreting his behavior using NT standards. Good luck.



techstepgenr8tion
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01 Oct 2010, 11:25 am

If your finding that most girls your meeting aren't the stay at home type or want to be taken out, if you aren't a fan of the bar scene per say, if you happen to be in a metropolitan area just find the artsier district with pubs that play jazz or blues, means of getting out that are a bit more culturally festive or perhaps if it is a club they might be more likely to tend toward house or techno than top 40, hip hop, etc.?

Just try to take inventory of what's out there and find things that you have decent proclivity to. If you're saying that you don't mind hitting the clubs or going out to bars on Friday or Saturday that may not be the issue, perhaps its having persistence about Sunday as in-time? As another poster noted, if you go out where the social butterflies are that's mostly what you'll meet - while some of them can be incredibly cool most can't relate to people like us much pass acquaintanceship. Its a shame there really aren't any places to meet women who aren't either all party or no party, I'm in the middle myself and I'd want to be with someone who's perhaps up for going out on the town maybe a few times a month (the high-traffic club districts) but keeping it low profile or local the rest of the time and has a somewhat outgoing introvert psychological disposition. Unfortunately that's a tricky thing to find, looking for compatible values and emotional styles as well adds a whole other layer of fun.



Brundisium
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03 Oct 2010, 9:39 am

AndreaLuna wrote:
Brundisium, sweetie,
maybe I am not be the best person to give advice on this since I am NT and we don't experience this panic when we break routines. But I do have issues with other things (what is NT anyway?) and the only thing i can tell you is that when there is something that scares me I push through and do it anyway even if I feel very unconfortable about it. The point is not to feel OK about but to try to do it anyway. Unfortunately, it all comes down to using a language that both you and the NT girl you are with can understand and that it can deepen your relationship. If she feels constantly rejceted cause you rather stick to your routine than spend time with her, she will eventually leave. This does not make her a bad person, but a person that decipher your behavior using her NT experience. Try to remember what your behavior would mean if you were a NT guy. It would mean "I am not very interested in you and I really do not care so much about you". The point is to send her the message that this is not the case. I would also consider explaining to her you are an Aspie and what your challenges are. If she is smart and she cares, she will stick around and work with you to find common ground. I dated an Aspie but he never told me he is. I figured it out after we broke up and I can tell you it would have made a huge difference if i knew because I do care very much about him. The problem though is that I was very confused by his behavior and ended up believing he did not give a crap about me. Again I was interpreting his behavior using NT standards. Good luck.


Thanks. :) That does help. To be honest I did that for years (pushed through anyway) and it served me well to get me to the point I'm at now (especially with playing in front of a crowd). I guess I just struggle sometimes with the idea that I'm forever going to be pushing through panic and fear. But the right girl will be worth it.

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
If your finding that most girls your meeting aren't the stay at home type or want to be taken out, if you aren't a fan of the bar scene per say, if you happen to be in a metropolitan area just find the artsier district with pubs that play jazz or blues, means of getting out that are a bit more culturally festive or perhaps if it is a club they might be more likely to tend toward house or techno than top 40, hip hop, etc.?

Just try to take inventory of what's out there and find things that you have decent proclivity to. If you're saying that you don't mind hitting the clubs or going out to bars on Friday or Saturday that may not be the issue, perhaps its having persistence about Sunday as in-time? As another poster noted, if you go out where the social butterflies are that's mostly what you'll meet - while some of them can be incredibly cool most can't relate to people like us much pass acquaintanceship. Its a shame there really aren't any places to meet women who aren't either all party or no party, I'm in the middle myself and I'd want to be with someone who's perhaps up for going out on the town maybe a few times a month (the high-traffic club districts) but keeping it low profile or local the rest of the time and has a somewhat outgoing introvert psychological disposition. Unfortunately that's a tricky thing to find, looking for compatible values and emotional styles as well adds a whole other layer of fun.


Thanks again! I think the Sunday thing is definitely a factor. To be honest Sunday is my alone day so being with anyone at all is hard. I tend to use my alone time to just let go and let my aspie traits take over. I find if I "blow off aspie steam" like this then I can handle pushing myself for the rest of the week. But if I'm with someone then that alone is a struggle (breaking my routine and not getting my alone time) so pushing past staying in is even more of a struggle. With that said, I guess I should try.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with me: "Aspie muso type". I'm kind of lucky that music ended up being my obsession, less people find it weird if you talk about music for hours. The other two are science and politics so I can actually fit in ok to a lot of conversations until they go into unfamiliar territory or I start rambling. The other problem with that is when they clue in to my being a bit different it's much more unexpected and they wonder why I suddenly go quiet or just get up and leave. I tend to disappear sometimes from social stuff and go home without announcing it. But my friends are used to it, they kind of view it affectionately.

Anyway, bit of a tangent there.


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Merle
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03 Oct 2010, 5:24 pm

Brundisium wrote:
I'm very into my routine.

Often I'll meet a girl out somewhere but if we start dating they soon realise that I'm much less exciting than that and generally want to stay home with them, but this doesn't go down well after a while.

Does anyone have any tips for helping yourself to break your routine for the sake of a relationship to make yourself less predictable?

I come up with ideas fine, it's wanting to do something other than what I usually do that's the problem.


Honestly I'd think you're not dating the right women.

The idea of dating a girl is to get to know them and see if your interests and expectations match. You can't do that over 1-2 dates, so it takes time and you realize they're bar fly's and you're a quiet stay at home type. No wrong there. You just move on to the next woman and they to the next guy.

What sounds worse to me is changing who you are (e.g. interests, motivations) in order to maintain the relationship. Unless she's a total 10 and you a 6, I just don't see that. Even in that case, in 20-40 years, do you believe you will be happy with the new version of you while she hasn't changed?

Yes, you may be happier because you're doing and trying new things - but this should be a natural growth of your chronological age and your interests (as a 50/50 member) of the relationship. Not because it makes the other person happier.



Brundisium
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04 Oct 2010, 8:48 am

Honestly I don't know what my type is.

Or if any type of girl will ever understand me.

On the one hand I go out most weekends to see bands, eat dinner etc, or play gigs.

On the other if I can't handle people on any given day then you're hard pressed to get me out of my room and off my guitars, let alone out of the house.

And how do you explain the incessant need to rock back and forth rather violently from time to time at home to get it out of your system?

Just makes me seem crazy.

Sigh.


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techstepgenr8tion
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04 Oct 2010, 10:51 am

Brundisium wrote:
And how do you explain the incessant need to rock back and forth rather violently from time to time at home to get it out of your system?

Just makes me seem crazy.

That's an interesting one. I'm still undecided as to whether I've ever truly had a stim, it seems like most people bounce their leg or do something to that end if they're in discomfort which is something I find myself doing on occasion. If you've tried all your alternatives or other ways to channel that sort of energy out then yeah, just staying in here and there would be helpful. Who knows though, over time you may find other release valves that you won't find as conspicuous.



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04 Oct 2010, 10:56 am

Brundisium wrote:
I'm very into my routine.

Often I'll meet a girl out somewhere but if we start dating they soon realise that I'm much less exciting than that and generally want to stay home with them, but this doesn't go down well after a while.

Does anyone have any tips for helping yourself to break your routine for the sake of a relationship to make yourself less predictable?

I come up with ideas fine, it's wanting to do something other than what I usually do that's the problem.


How to want what you don't want? Interesting.

Force yourself.

Hypnsosis/autosuggestion/brainwashing; Tell yourself that you are having a good time when you do things you don't want to.

Find ways to make doing things you don't want to do more interesting/useful/fun. I make things I don't enjoy into meditations.

Look for the positives and de accentuate negatives.

That's all I got.

I think Merle's advice is best; look for a girl more inclined to do things you do want to do, like staying in more.


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04 Oct 2010, 1:25 pm

I force myself to break my routine on a regular basis. If a friend offers to do something on the spur of the moment, I'll do it unless I have pressing business to attend to. I've done karaoke, attended a bar, played laser tag, gone to a midnight release of a video game, all things that I wouldn't have done unless a friend asked me to come. Sometimes being with the right people opens you up to new opportunities. I now enjoy a lot of new things because of it. I'm not sure if this helped you or not but I figured I'd say what came to my mind. ^_^