Shutting down, help please...

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Hello everyone,

Tonight I almost shutdown. I was so close to it and then I did what I know best, I researched aspergers and shutting down and voilà, info came tumbling down. I still might shut down. Do I? Do I distance myself from my best friend who is making me feel more sad at the end of the day rather than happy.

My best friend is also an aspie. We discovered it together after he blew up at me for some mundane thing I shut down for a week, saw the movie Adam and then realized that this was him. However, the more I researched the more I discovered myself as well. We both took a bunch of online tests and received the same scores.

Here's the thing.
I am not good in friendships, I don't particularly enjoy them due to the emotional stress.
I don't know what I am doing here. He is so negative and always points out my weaknesses. I feel like he takes little jabs at me to make himself feel better.
Here are some jabs and some of his traits.
1. He says that I am uncoordinated at the gym. (I try really, really hard but sometimes my brain does not connect to my body parts fast enough for him. He is an athlete and I grew up an athlete so I am not incredibly slow just slow in the Aspie way)
2. He points out that I am not as intelligent as him (he could be teasing here, I am not sure. I taught myself italian and french and scored very well on the IQ tests)
3. I have given him a Christmas card and a birthday card, he criticized my handwriting on both. (Now I don't want to give him cards)
4. Today he told me that I have a double chin. (I may have a little blip there but I am 5'6" 120lbs so not exactly chubby at all.)
5. Today he insisted that my life was boring before I met him. (Not exaclty true but it has been fun having a google, nerdy friend who has a vast vocabulary.)
6. He made fun of my kicking which I guess I took too hard and said "f**k You" this was after he said that I couldn't do Aikido nor Jiu-Jitsu due to my weak neck (played violin for 20 years and have to strengthen my neck in a new way)
7. I came off of a really difficult weekend with my family, he knew about this but apparently didn't think I could be stressed and said nothing about my weekend after I had already told him it was difficult.
8. He will say really inoffensive things at the gym that are definitely misogynistic.
9. He thinks that it's funny to talk about having sex with little girls that walk by, 8 year olds. He says that I do not understand his sense of humour when I get upset about it.
10. He says really horrible sexual stuff and says that all of his friends are like that and that I, again, do not understand his sense of humour. I would like to write what he says but it's pretty gross and some friends have gotten mad at me for putting it in their mind. I have had guy friends my whole life, a cop father and 2 brothers and no one has come close to the vulgar stuff that he says. I can cuss like a sailor too and have a wicked sense of humour so I am not exactly "soft" when it comes to guy talk.

When we first met he was shy and a gentleman. Slowly but surely these traits have been coming to the surface. He knows that he has AS but does nothing about it. In fact, he uses it as an excuse. This sucks because he can be such a cool and fun person. I know he has a heart but is either hiding his feelings for me under a bunch of gradeschool taunting or he is just incredibly insensitive to my feelings.

Anyway, I feel myself not wanting to see him anymore and I feel like shutting down for awhile.
I did enjoy him being in my life and I am scared to be alone again because this is the first time that I have met someone who can keep up with me intellectually.
Question is, am I being an idiot hanging around him and putting up with the verbal abuse? Should I just limit my time with him and distance myself even though that will be incredibly difficult. Help. Shutting down slowly happening.
Sooo confused as to what I am dealing with here... Who is this guy? Would an Aspie behave this way?
Perhaps I am in love with him and it is making me overly sensitive? Maybe he loves me but his frustration is making him act out.


Help please.
Thank you in advance.

A
P.S. this was my first post
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Welcome to WP!

Absolutely. You can surround yourself with light, or with darkness. He is obviously getting to you - to the extent that you're publicly posting on WP. You need a temporary break. Emphasis on the temporary because you two have a history together (and there's not enough information to support anything else).



I got 150/200 once. Made me proud. However, scores are just the scores for the day and can be very mood dependent.

So lets break down your issue(s)



Same. It's not easy and it's tough finding people able to put up with your "issues" (like needing space, quiet time, etc.)



He could just be jerky like that. There are many types of people, and one of the types pulls others down (e.g. crab in a boiling pot of water) in order to make themselves feel better.



What kind of crazy gym do you attend that you need to be coordinated? Are there specific classes or do you just have a problem staying on the elliptical? I've seen jazz/dance classes and those are NOT coordinated folks.



Doesn't matter. Many successful people don't do well on IQ tests and IQ tests don't dictate how intelligent you really are (take your typical American w/ an IQ of 150 and drop them in Afghanistan and watch the fun ensue!).



Good in terms of the card but childish in terms of the response. Recognize he probably does appreciate the cards and probably doesn't/won't send you any anyhow.



Thats just him teasing. You're BMI indicates otherwise. However, if you're 70... it's possible you have a waddle then it's just semantics.



Teasing.



Haha. I've done Judo, Jiu-Jitsu (not the Gracie, but the Japanese) and Aikido for years. Neck strength is nice, but as long as you can roll and do falls (and I've done it with 60+ year old men and women) and/or your partner understands uke's limits... Well he's way off base.



It may be he is unable to comprehend and/or give you the support you need. Not a slight.



Could be teasing, but if he's doing it in public he's just trying to show off (especially around men). If women are present, tell him he's being a jerk and walk away. Negative reinforcement is a great thing.



No maturity. This is a danger sign and needs to be identified and stopped immediately. This should not be condoned as the words are generally predicated upon some internal thought process. Not funny. Period. Stop. He needs to be called out on this one.



He needs an outlet and thinks he has found one in you. I'm afraid he may simply be testing the waters and the internals may be worse.



Depending on how long you knew him, you may be finding out what kind of person he really is.



There are a lot of bright folks out there (and here). I know that expanding your circle of friends may be tough, but in this case it would be warranted.



I think you need to put a little distance between you and him. A lot of his behavior comes over as immature and borderline dangerous. Depending on how long you have known him, he may simply be showing you his true colors - a bit at a time to see where to draw that line.

An aspie *could* act that way, as nothing you've written would dissuade me from this guy being an Aspie. However, it's just as likely that he's using it as an excuse to make you vulnerable/sympathetic.

I also think you have a small circle of friends and would like to hold on tightly to those you let in. This means accepting their faults (explaining them away) and focusing on the good times. Do not let this blind you to a person as there are some very bad people out there.

If you were to put a little distance between him and you, do not be surprised if he comes back around on his best behavior (after trying to make you feel guilty and/or regret putting a little distance in the relationship). If he does that, be aware he may be a manipulator (there are ways to confirm) and just trying to work you because it's a) fun b) lonely c) fun.



Again, welcome to WP! We may not have all the answers, but there are plenty of folks her who would love to at least help.

PS. REALLY REALLY sorry about breaking up your message like that - but it's really the best way (without struggling on grouping the teasing, sexual and personal issues)