confused by the behavior of an Aspie man

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I have a question for Aspie men. I dated for a few months somebody whom I figured out after we broke up it is most likely an Aspie. We broke up because he told me he was not in love and did not think he would ever fall in love with me, despite the fact that we had very strong chemistry, we liked each other and actually cared about each other (in fact his statement left me completely confused). This came after months in which he constantly put his routine before me. So that was the last drop for me. When we broke up he told me that he will always like me and that he will always feel friendship for me and that he wished we could stay friends. After a few months I was ready to be friends with him and contacted him a few times (phone and email). There has not been any effort from him to meet me or speak with me. Note that before we started dating we had been friends for 3 years where we would do things together regularly (dinners, shows, movies etc) and that he told me that for him friendships are very important. I have been trying for over 3 months and nothing, from the outside it appears he does not give a rat ass. I do not know how to interpret this. Does he feel embarrassed for the way he treated me? Is he afraid I figured out he is Aspie? Did he lie to me and in reality he does not care? Is he unsure of how to behave?

No idea. Have you asked him?

Hey Moog, yes I have asked him why he did not call back or emailed back, and he comes up with what I feel are excuses to mask the real reason. Now if he was NT, I would say he is not interested in the slightest in raimaining friends and he is actually a real jerk for not even be clear about it. But he is Aspie so he may just not know what to do and how to behave in such situation. I am not contacting him at all at the moment and I kind of decided to let it go. If he does want to ramain friends he will make some effort at one point or another. I am just extremely confused by him, I never met anybody that behaves in this way. When we broke up it seemed that I would be the one heartbroken and that he just hoped we could remain friends. Now that I am over my heartbrake, I meet a wall. Very confusing.

I'm sorry that you are in pain over this, Andrea.

I am not very sure what to say except that one of the reasons I don't stay in touch with people is because I have very low motivation. I might enjoy the company, but I find it difficult to reach out. I assume people have better things to do, or that I'd just bore them, or something.

If he puts his schedule ahead of you, he might have a problem of needing extreme rigidity of routine, and if that's the case, he might well want to break it, but is in fact some kind of slave to compulsion.

This is all just conjecture, and it may not be at all applicable in his case.

Is he happy to hang out/chat/whatever when you do initiate it? Sorry, you might have covered this, but I feel a need for a re-phrasal.

The 'real reason' if there is one, might be one that he is not at all comfortable in admitting to you.

Moog's got as point. You can just ask the S.O.B. Sounds to me like you've been dumped aspie style. Dumped is dumped. What does it matter what he said and what you two used to be? It's no more. Actions speak louder than words. I think you should do something really nice for yourself and move on. Not all aspies are created equal. I was married twice. My first husband was aspie like me and it was a disaster. The second, aspie too, and it is a good marriage. The same mannerisms - blank stare, lack of communication, just works and doesn't help out around the house, somewhat selfish in bed but the upbringing of the two men were totally different. My second husband is educated, and had a father who cared about him, he'a a devout Christian. The first one was uneducated and had two indifferent, drunkard parents who belittled and humiliated him on a daily basis. He didn't even have a sense of God. You'll meet a better aspie. Upbringing really does matter whether a person is aspie or not. Here's another thought: Some people - both NT and aspie - can't cope with having sex with a friend. It's black and white thinking. Some think that sex is the domain of lovers and that you can't stay friends with an ex-lover. If you meet another lover (aspie or not), hold off with the sex until you're at least engaged. You'll keep your sanity and dignity longer. NEVER think that an aspie can't be a jerk! They just go about it differently. He probably has someone else and can't juggle two as an NT can. He made a choice. A lot of aspies can only do one lover at a time. I'd rather have it that way instead of finding out he's seeing me and another person too. I'd feel compelled to punch that blank stare right off his aspie face. If this is true that he met someone else and he breaks up, he may come back to you but he WON'T tell you what happened. Personally, I could NEVER cope with that. I had someone do that to me for over three years - back and forth. The last time he tried to call me to come back, he learned that I had married in the meantime. He JUST couldn't believe it!! Yo-yo's have needs too, so up his indecisive arse.

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 12 Oct 2010, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The thing with him putting his routine before you probably wasen't personal.

As for him not talking to you now, I personally find I don't want to talk to my ex-girlfriends because I don't want to end up developing feelings for them again, and because there's a part of me which wants me to hate them in order to justify that to myself. But in the end I usually give up and either am glad we're talking and can be friends again or really regret it and end up wanting to get back together with them even though I know it's a bad idea. The second one has happened more times than it should have.

Of course, that's my own personal thought process and I have no idea if it's a typical Aspie one, but I guess when you get other replies you'll find that out.

RightGalaxy< I understand that not everybody is the same Aspie or NT. But I am trying to figure out if this behavior falls into the Aspie type of behavior that is common to many people with Asperger. Like having routines and having a real hard time breaking them. BTW he is highly educated with a PhD and really smart.

Paraghraphasion process:

Moog's got as point. You can just ask the S.O.B. Sounds to me like you've been dumped aspie style. Dumped is dumped. What does it matter what he said and what you two used to be? It's no more. Actions speak louder than words.

I think you should do something really nice for yourself and move on. Not all aspies are created equal. I was married twice. My first husband was aspie like me and it was a disaster. The second, aspie too, and it is a good marriage. The same mannerisms - blank stare, lack of communication, just works and doesn't help out around the house, somewhat selfish in bed but the upbringing of the two men were totally different.
My second husband is educated, and had a father who cared about him, he'a a devout Christian. The first one was uneducated and had two indifferent, drunkard parents who belittled and humiliated him on a daily basis. He didn't even have a sense of God. You'll meet a better aspie. Upbringing really does matter whether a person is aspie or not.

Here's another thought: Some people - both NT and aspie - can't cope with having sex with a friend. It's black and white thinking. Some think that sex is the domain of lovers and that you can't stay friends with an ex-lover. If you meet another lover (aspie or not), hold off with the sex until you're at least engaged. You'll keep your sanity and dignity longer. NEVER think that an aspie can't be a jerk! They just go about it differently.

He probably has someone else and can't juggle two as an NT can. He made a choice. A lot of aspies can only do one lover at a time. I'd rather have it that way instead of finding out he's seeing me and another person too. I'd feel compelled to punch that blank stare right off his aspie face. If this is true that he met someone else and he breaks up, he may come back to you but he WON'T tell you what happened. Personally, I could NEVER cope with that. I had someone do that to me for over three years - back and forth. The last time he tried to call me to come back, he learned that I had married in the meantime. He JUST couldn't believe it!! Yo-yo's have needs too, so up his indecisive arse

RightGalaxy, another thing: I broke up with him not the other way around.

at Moog.
we met a couple of times in the last 3 months kind of by chance and he seemed happy to see me, smiled a lot but also kind of did not know exactly what to do. There was a very strong attraction when we were together. I still feel it for him and I am wondering if he also does, and does not know what to do with it.

Re-friendships (as it was before relationship) after relationships only happen in movies.

It's not aspie thing , it's life.

Its the harsh life of a somali pirate. In the days of romance on the seven seas, scurvy and swine.

@ The_Face_of_Boo
not true, it happens in real life too. I am friend with some of my exes.

Actually it does happen in real life, but it is rare. My best friend is still good friends with all of his exes. Same for a few other friends.

Here´s the thing the guy broke up up with you. why did you feel the need to figure out something what was wrong with him?(Plenty of nt guys break up with their partners daily around the world without valid reason and most of those dumped girlfriends try to find someone else because they know that a man who breaks up without a valid reason isnt a suitable partner.Nobody wants to expend 10 years in a relationship to be dumped the following day just because the other person "thought the spark was gone").


Was he the one that mentioned you had very strong chemistry?(Many times during a relationship we start perceiving some things that arent entirely true and we make ourselves believe them so if you were the one that felt the chemistry its possible he didnt feel the same way about your relationship).

On a sidenote routines are related to OCD some aspies have them others dont and OCD can also be found in a nt person so if your diagnosis was based on the routines you mught wanna change that to OCD related issues.

She broke up with him.