Difficulty undertsanding the "point" of a discussi

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I'm a 22 year old male, diagnosed with Asperger's; however I'm "atypical" in that I don't display some of the typical symptoms. I've been dating the most wonderful woman for 11 months now, and while we rarely have any problems, there is this one issue; however this issue has troubled me for my entire life even outside of dating.

That problem is understanding the "point". When I ask a question, or have a discussion, I'm presented with the answer, "point", topic, etc. wrapped in decorative paper and a ribbon. My brain has a very difficult time unwrapping the paper and ribbon, and getting at the actual answer, "point", etc.

This is extremely frustrating, to me and my girlfriend. She tries to answer a question that I have, or she tries to get a "point" across to me, but because the "point" is so concealed from my brain, I get confused and ask the question over and over, or ask questions that she feels she has already answered. Because of that, she feels like I'm not listening to her. I am listening, I'm just not understanding because there's so much chaff keeping me from understanding the answer/"point".

So how does one go about unwrapping all the decorative drivel and understanding the "point"?

I read this explaination of AS in a book today, they recommend showing this to people to better understand what AS is:

Asperger Syndrome is a disability which in some ways is similar to autism. People with Asperger Symdrome generally look and sound normal. They have diffuculties in the areas of social understanding and social communication. They can appear rude, gauche and arrogant and can behave in odd, eccentric unpredictable ways.

Asperger Syndrome can affect people from all walks of life and with various degrees of intelligence from moderate learning difficulties to intellectually gifted. Please be patient, they do not mean to offend.

My mother will begin to tell me an anecdote and I am often able to know what her point will be long before she gets to it, but I have

to listen to all the decorative verbiage before she does. It drives me nuts. Is this what you mean?

Its difficult to understand because its not the innately obvious... its because those conversations/arguments aren't dealing with what is and isn't, but hypothetical situations, and meanings beyond what what is clearly obvious...

so when someone asks you, rhetorically, "And how many hours did that take you?" the "answer" is not "17 and a half" the "answer" is something along of the lines of: "Look how many countless hours you spent doing on that, and for what? was it really worth spending 17 hours on it?" -- its generally taking a few stages past what is immediately visible...

This is an issue that often occurs in male-to-female relationships... often its like... "thats not the point!! !! !" because one person assumes what they are thinking is obvious, and the other assumes it is tangible, when in reality, its a vagueness that just isn't passed along...

Its something you'll pick up over time... ask her to explain more thoroughly every time... that when she says something, she doesn't always mean the exact words she is saying, but something behind it... if she explains it, eventually you may come to understand what she "really means" when she says x-phrase or so...

This is something that is common in AS though... just don't feel too shy in asking what she clearly means... especially if she understand you have AS and have such issues

I've noticed this a lot myself, talking to most people is like listening to a joke without a punch line, you just keep listening for it and it never comes. I'm lucky that the people at work speak in complete sentences and think with a moderate amount of logic, but my wife can drive me crazy with mindless babble. I'm just automatically supposed to know what she's talking about.

I am sort of the opposite. The women I have been in relationships with all want to go on and on giving all the details and specifics of whatever story they are telling. They will remember something similar that happened and digress into it. I am half exhausted from listening attentively by the time they tell me whatever they started to tell me in the first place. If I got other stuff I need to get to, I will get impatient and wave my hand with the palm up to tell them to hurry up and get to the point, which is almost always a big mistake. It feels like the equivalent of reading the bible to learn how to make a boat.

Could it be a combination between Aimless and Jinro's observations?

Aimless wrote that she anticipates the point long before the anecdote is finished and Jinro typed that he has difficulties "unwrapping" the answer.
Maybe Jinro unwrapped the answer long before in his own logical (or non-NT) way, but when presented with the different expectation of understanding of his partner gets confused thinking, but i did unwrap it properly, the answer should be this not what the partner expects you to understand.

this happens to me quite a lot.
i explain to my husband the logical way i followed during his information and where i arrived at and he then realizes that his way of thinking was not logical and gets annoyed with me, because an NT would have had no problem understanding what he meant.
Do NTs adapt their way of following a conversation constantly by taking in clues and cues and we just set off and go down the logical line and end up frustrated, because we were expected to conclude something constant from changing premises?

did i make any sense ...........

There are some listening techniques you could try, but I can't profess that they will work.

Stay focused on the words, not anything else (even if they are telling you something else with nonverbal or whatnot).

Repeat things that you are unclear about or need clarification on (make sure to wait until the person is done talking or pauses, though). Not only could this help you, but it will also show that talker that you are, indeed, listening.

If you have to, ask what they are trying to say or what the point is, because you don't know if it's a. or b. (Example: I need to know what your point is, because I don't know if you are telling me that you need more money or that I've done something wrong)

Some people's points are easier to decipher because they will keep inserting key words or key phrases throughout their monologue. Noticing these similarities between phrases and words may also help to get to the point of the discussion.

I am not ASD, I'm NT, but I know from experience with my ex that this type of thing can be difficult, stressful, and confusing. Remember not to be hard on yourself, and remind the person that your interpretations of things might not be on par with what he/she expects, so he/she needs to help by being clear and just saying what needs to be said. It won't always happen, but it may get a bit better, at least.

I apologize if you were not looking for techniques to solve the issue.

@ Jinro,
that is interesting cause it is happening to me too but I am NT. I am taking guitar lessons and I ask questions to the instructor. The answers go over my head a lot of times even though I consider myself intelligent. So I repeat the questions. I realized it is because we have not found common ground yet. He has not understood yet where my knowledge in music ends and my ignorance begins This has happened to me in the past in other cases in whcih I talked to experts in other fields (I have a PhD). You just don't know where the common ground is until you have gone around a few times. Ask her to break it down to as simple as possible, like she was talking to a 5 years old. I have the feeling this is not necessarely an Aspie thing, but just difficulty of communication between two people with different level of knowledge on a certain topic. I am shameless and I just tell him that his answer went over my head and to go to a more elementary level. Good luck.

@ Jinro, also remember that in order to explain something in a simple way you really have to have understood it yourself very well and you have to be gifted in your communication. She may have not understood completely what she is talking about or she may be terrible at breaking down things to a level that can be understood by anybody. So it may be her as well, not necessarely you.

I do sympathise as I seem to have this kind of problem too. I can rarely guess the point in conversations unless it is obvious or it is me who started the conversation (for when I do, I do it to exchange information so I know what I want to ask or to tell). I often find myself tell other people 'well now can you please get to the point'. When they announce (most often they are already offended) that there was no specific point or that it was a matter of 'sharing', I can lash back 'don't waste my time anymore then'.
I feel somehow defective that I can't just sit back and listen to somebody 'sharing', thinking about something else and saying occasional 'yep' or 'a-ha'. In some way I think that it is dishonest, since I believe that if you can do something for another person to make him or her feel better, you'd better do it and quickly. But what is the point of 'sharing'? You don't do anything, you just sit there, probably with your mind on other things until the logorhhoea subsides. So I try to identify whatever's could be really done for the other person and I come up with 'get to the point, please'. Whoops, another faux pas!

A lot of good answers here. I think if you get into this situation again, it is important that you not repeat your question. Tell her, "I'm trying to figure out the answer to [question] but you're not saying it in a way that's clear to me. Could you try saying it another way?" Maybe not in that many words, but, let her know that you are listening, you're just not understanding. It will keep her from getting annoyed with you, and will make it much easier for you to get your answer.

One issue might be my lack of patience when she's trying to explain the answer and I'm confused from the get-go. My dad used to have this problem with me--when I was younger he would try to help me with my math homework, and whenever I didn't understand his explanations he would get pissed.

It can be very frustrating, trying to explain something to someone that just isn't getting it. She needs to be more patient with you, and you with her. If you're confused from the start, stop her before she gets too far, and let her know that you're not understanding. Be polite of course. She needs to know that the way she explains things just isn't working. It may be that you need to go somewhere else for the answer, like Wikipedia. When I get to this point with someone, I stop the conversation right there - I tell them that this just isn't working, I'll find out another way. It saves a lot of hurt feelings.