Problem-Solvers...do you attract problematic mates?

Post Reply New Topic

Let me preface this by saying that while I'm not diagnosed as an Aspie, I'm pretty sure it would just be a matter of setting aside some time for an appointment somewhere.. I have some of the social differences common to Aspies, but my own peculiarities tend more toward being very objective, systematic, logical, etc.. My intelligence is above average, and I have excellent problem solving skills.

What that leads to in relationships is feeling like my only "value" to people is in my ability to help them solve their problems. It should really come as no surprise, then, that I might be attracted to "crazy" girls with a ton of problems. Indeed -- the crazier, the better.

If a woman looks normally, act normally, and functions normally, what I'm realizing is that I don't really feel like I have much to offer her, so I'm just not that interested. If, however, a woman displays certain indicators that they may not be great decision makers -- tattoos, crazy piercings, employment issues, money problems, etc -- I figure I can probably be useful, and therefore more valuable and "loveable" to them. Makes sense, then, that nothing could be any sexier to me than a girl who's sleeved-out, sitting alone, sobbing her eyes out. LOL

Thing is, that kind of girl is often mutually attracted to the kind of guy I am...stable, smart, able to solve problems, a "born provider," as it were.

At a certain point, however, I usually get fed up with fixing their problems and/or they begin to take advantage of my ability to fix their problems and/or they get fed up with me interceding in their inevitable downward spiral. In any case, these types of relationships invariably end very, very poorly.

I can't help but think that a lot of people here are really, really good at using their noggins to solve problems and have found that being able to do so offers them a feeling of being valuable to others in an otherwise confusing, isolated existance. For those who identify with that sentiment, what I'm wondering is whether or not you're also attracted to the same "types" and whether that attraction often translates into bad relationships with abusive, troubled people?

I think this is probably one of the reasons there have been so many "Borderline personality disorder" threads out here...

I'm pretty much brand new to the forum, so I'm not really "up" on what's being discussed regularly. Are you saying there are a lot of Aspies dating probable-BPD's?

Yes, but not usually as primary, romantic attachments.

But then, most people I've met have some kind of problem or another.

True...nobody's perfect, but what I'm talking about being romantically attracted to are the Lindsey Lohan-types of the "real" world.. Just as messed up, and often just as physically hot, but without the benefit of fame or money.. lol

I'm a Fixer too ... or as you call it a Problem Solver only I am an NT. If it helps any I have found that everyone (Aspies and NTs alike) is attracted to a "type" and depending on our own psychological makeup, childhood, parental influences, emptiness we want fulfilled in a relationship, (you get the idea) the type may or may not be a positive experience. Counseling is one way to break that repeated choice. Another is now that you have identified who you are attracted to ... make a concentrated effort to find those "less exciting" women and date for a while. Not seriously date but just casual friendly dates. That is how I broke mine. It was tediously boring at first ... I like the bad boy who lives on the edge which means he is a jerk to me ... but after actually immersing myself in social groups like meetups where I met more "suburben" men, my choices began changing and after about 3 years I now prefer to skip the bad boy ... after all, you can want to help solve the problem but the fact is until the person accepts they have one and want to change it, you are just going to get sucked into it.

Boring...that's what I'm worried about.

On the one hand, I can't imagine continuing to crash and burn my way through life with yet another red hot mess of a woman..

On the other hand, I can't imagine coasting my way through it with someone stable and normal, and for whom my ability -- or desire...need...compulsion...whatever you wanna call it -- to fix things is largely unnecessary. I don't think I'd feel needed. As someone who has always sort of *assumed* they were being intrusive (because it's hard for me to tell) I feel more comfortable *knowing,* beyond any doubt, that I'm....necessary, I guess? Or even just *wanted,* or valued in some way?

And when you add in the fact that my oddities would probably make me *less* attractive to most normal, stable women...yikes.

Counseling is probably a good idea. I think I'm more messed up than I realized.

Glad I started this thread.

How about a career where you get to 'fix' people? Make it your day job and not your primary relationship.



There's an example of such.

Career...well, I know this is going to sound pretty cliche, but I'm a software developer. I get to exercise the logic portion of my brain to solve problems day in, day out, and I enjoy it. Well...I enjoy it as much as a person can enjoy anything they're *required* to do, I guess.. There are certainly worse things for a guy like me to do with his time.

Problem is, nobody's ever said "OMG, our new accounting application is fantastic. Kiss me."

I could probably become a counselor and get patients to sleep with me, but that sounds like an extraordinarily -- though admittedly fun -- bad idea.

Don't get me wrong -- I totally get what you're saying, and you're making perfect sense. I just don't think solving problems in a job is going to make me feel needed in a relationship.

I must point out that I definitely wasn't suggesting you do that.

I know.

I have an odd sense of humor...forgive me.

Edit -- I keep looking at your avatar...it seems so familiar to me. What's the work called, and who painted it? Seems like I remember studying that very work because it was a good example of a particular style of painting, but the particulars escape me.

No worries.

This thread might help you with my avatar. I forgot who it is by already.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt138602.html

Ok, so that's weird.. I felt like I recognized the face, but now I'm not so sure. Now I think I simply recognized *a* face painted in that particular style, because the work I was actually thinking of was Bouguereau's "The Birth of Venus."

BTW...on the other thread, someone said your avatar was "Love on the Lookout" -- it's not. It's very, very similar, but...not quite! Specifically, look at the angle of the subject's left shoulder in your avatar vs. the painting:

Avatar:


Painting:


See, I was just curious before...now I'm *determined* to figure out what your avatar is!

GOT IT.

"The Prisoner", Bouguereau - 1891

Nice one!

I knew it wasn't quite love on the lookout, but that it was definitely Bougereau, and that was good enough for me.

The technique was what got me, too...I knew I'd seen it, but couldn't quite place it. I'm frankly not much of an 'art guy,' as it were, but I've had a few classes here and there. Part of my particulars, however, is a good -- if somewhat random -- memory. Certain things just sorta stick in my head and come roaring back to the foreground to bug me when least expected. lol