walking around through a busy shop pavillion...I saw the end

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I was wandering about a an upscale shopping area...an outlet mall or pavilion. I was killing time while my parents shopped, and as I walked, I looked at all the couples. Young, beautiful women women their men hand in hand. I want that so badly. I even have dreams about it...the most recent one being about a girl who just sat next to me and held my hand. She had such acceptance and desire in her eyes. She wanted me for me! That's what I saw in these couples.

Yet, it all seems so alien to me. Prior to this, I was at a high school cross country meet. My dad is a coach, and I ran for him in high school. Now I spectate, and I look at all I never got to experience because of how I am. I was always the outsider, the odd duck, and could count my happy memories from high school on one hand. I wish I could go back , knowing what I know now. I'd try harder to get a girl.

Well, I did try, but got rejected. Went to homecoming twice with, but nothing came of either with the girls who agreed to go with me. I tried more in college, got more of the same. Tried even harder, more often after college. More of the same.

Getting to the point. I walked through this place, wishing I had someone to walk with me and hold hands and talk to, and I realized it, for the first time:

It's never going to happen. It's just not in me. I'm just not capable of giving what a woman wants, and what I have to give, no woman would want. I will never know what those people know, experience what they're experiencing. It's not because I haven't found "the one" I'm only 26. But the fact I've NEVER had a relationship period, tells me it'll only get harder. The longer I don't have a girlfriend, the more girls will wonder what is wrong with me, and the longer I'll go without. It's a vicious circle with no hope of escape.

It's not going to happen. It's really not. I can see now there is no hope of companionship. I don't like it, but I really do believe something should've happened by now. I'd give anything, even my soul, for a failed relationship. Because it would at least mean I am capable of having one. But not even that.

I'm gonna die alone, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.

^a hooker doesn't want you for you, though... she just wants your money. And don't even get started about the whole GFE thing, because at that point you're just trying to BS yourself...

I decided on macaroni and cheese, by the way.

And yes, I was the only one in the food court eating alone.

this is a such a depressing post Because I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. and I makes me sick to my stomach.

And thinking of all those times I never had High School. The real education and future life preparation turns out has nothing to do with Math, Science, English or whatever.

I really don't want to say never. And I don't think you should either but I know how you are feeling because I feel the same thing right now and it really "feels like never"

It feels like it is never going to f*****g happen. Nothing comes naturally to me like it did to other people. If nothing has clicked like it should have at least by a certain age, then nothing is going to. I feel so sick to my stomach having to go through most of the motions of life, but doing it all lonely as f**k without a companion, and a couple friends who it seems don't really understand me.

I feel like such a loser as well, because a good number of girls actually seemed like they were into me I guess because I didn't look bad, but that really doesn't mean anything.

Keep moving, keep going, keep circulating. And relax - if every "Hello" is a matter of desperation with you, it'll drive people away. My brother, the eternal bachelor, at age 33, accepted the position of Designated Driver to take my other brother and friends up north to ski and apres-ski activities. He didn't ski himself, he just did the driving. And in that car was where he met the woman he has been married to for 40 years now. Be of good cheer and scout about for ways to be useful to others. You'll do fine.

Ive gone through similar situations and I usually try to avoid them.
ie: If Im having lunch alone at university and I know that at a certain hour lots of people will be doing the same thing and Ill feel miserable when I see them I try to buy my lunch before everyone else gets there in order to avoid feeling awful. From time to time this isnt enough because I have to find a place to eat and once Im eating many classmates start passing by where I am and I feel even worse if they see me eating alone.




Sometime ago I gave up on dating because I thought it was a basket case, now Im making some attempts of improving myself(started getting haircuts again, started to wear some shirts that arent too geeky from time to time, not much) Im not ready to ask a girl out yet but I think this time I spent out without dating helped me clear my views on what Im looking for so maybe a break would be helpfull to you as well.

^^ This. Especially this:

OP, have you thought about volunteering? It could be a great way to put yourself in social situations with women. That will help you with a few different issues: exposure (most people have to meet lots of people before finding someone who is mutually attractive...so you need to find a way to meet more women); social skill practice (honestly, you can improve with practice....at least you can become more comfortable); having something in common/shared value with people you'll meet (you'll have something to talk about); structured activity (you'll be doing something, working toward some goal together, so there will be less awkwardness around your interactions).

So figure out what you'd like to give your time to. Be open to a lot of different organizations, and identify opportunities in your area. Try to focus on organizations that may attract women in your age range....and then get involved (face it - they love volunteers). It may take a while to meet someone in this way, but then again, you never know about the nice older lady/man you may meet who thinks you're a nice young man and introduces you to his/her daughter, granddaughter, niece, etc.

Getting opportunities to meet lots of different people obviously can be difficult for Aspies, because you typically don't function well in bars, clubs, etc. But a volunteer organization doesn't have those kinds of drawbacks (noise, stimulation, 30 seconds to make an impression, etc.). You'll be able to increase the size of your social circle, and you'll probably be doing some good in the world. Why not give it a try?

One should volunteers only when he or she really believes in the humanitarian task he or she's doing and wants to help others.

If one wants to volunteer just to meet women, this might harm others. I find it unethical.