Is it all about understanding and acceptance?

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Hi, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend has aspergers. We don't know for sure, but I have very very strong suspicions. He is "off" he hardly talks, doesn't have any friends, is very awkward in social situations, he doesn't discern how I'm feeling or what I need/want very well, he never compliments me or gives me attention (very little). He is really into math and computers, but never shows any interest for anything that involves creativity or imagination. I even read a book on aspergers, it had poems and essays in such in it too and a lot of the information just rang true. Anyhow, I know there is no "cure" or treatment. Also our relationship dynamic is further complicated by the fact that I have major depression. I feel so frustrated all the time because I feel like he's a robot and I feel like I can't get through or get a response from him, except anger. I feel like all my efforts to make this relationship work are futile, but I know he does really care, but how am I supposed to really KNOW that when he doesn't SHOW it? Or maybe he shows it in strange ways? Heck I don't know. We've been together 5 years and have 2 children together and I still feel like I don't know him sometimes. I am pretty creative, I write poetry, I like art, writing, I'm reasonably social (though a lot less so since we've been together), we are complete opposites. I'm expressive, he's intoverted. I'm chatty, he's quiet. I'm bad at math, he's great at it, and so on. I have been in a state of limbo for 2+ years, wondering if it will work, trying and trying and getting frustrated and almost giving up but I come back to feeling bad and I don't want to hurt him, but can I ignore my needs, am I just needy, am I asking too much, is he giving too little, is it both? I'm so frustrated, I'm a jumbled mix of emotions, and I guess I'm coming here for guidance or even just a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands what I'm going through because I feel so alone.

Briannajoy:
Well, my wife and I have been together for 18 years, and we still feel that way about each other....not that we never compliment each other, but there is a familiar ring to what you're saying. If you're suffering from depression, the first thing to do is get that treated. I'm talking therapy. If you are who you are, and he is who he is, maybe that's a good thing. If you have to kids, you owe it to them (until they're 18) to stay together (I know, that's not popular in some circles), but first, work on yourself. Actually, that's all you can do. Then, if you can't understand him, or if you can't live with him, you're going to have to make a decision. Maybe you have to call some of your needs to his attention in a quiet way....if that's possible, and you have to be sensitive to his, if you aren't. But I hear you, and I hear your problem, and I think it's worth working on. First the depression, and then other things. If you do it that way, then you're working on one thing at a time, and it's not that overwhelming.
Good luck, and welcome to WP

Briannajoy,
What you're describing is similar to my relationship - although I'm the other side of the 'divide', being the male probably with AS. My wife is NT and it's fair to say her social skills are way above average; mine are ...hmm...low-ish. You mention that you are opposite in many ways, this applies to us, to. There is just so little we have in common (apart from 2 children), it seems crazy that we're together at all.

Have you talked to your partner about his having AS? Although there are some down moments, I've felt a lot more hopeful since finding that some of my problems may be due to AS rather than me "just not bothering to make any effort to fit in" (which I've been accused of).

I agree with Beentheredonethat - also is it possible that your partner is depressed too?

About your partner not showing you attention - what you write is much the same as my partner has been saying to me for years - that I don't show that I care. But to me, I feel that I DO show I care, it's that she doesn't see it! And in fact, I don't think that she shows me that SHE cares, too! It's all one humungous communication breakdown

Obviously I can't speak for your partner, but I know that I do treat my wife differently than everyone else - I may only show real affection once a week, but I haven't shown anyone else affection for 20 years! I may have 20 minutes in conversation with her, when I'd much rather be by myself - I do this because I guess she might like it, I'd walk away from anyone else. Trouble is, that these things probably look very small or even non-existent to a non-AS, but they require large conscious effort from me. It's all relative to how little care I show anyone else.

The other side of the coin is that NT's are frequently chatting and showing affection to each other, so the efforts of an AS may get lost in the background noise! Now my wife has lots of friends and shows them lots of consideration and affection, so I can't see that she cares for me any more, probably less, than them. But then she tells me her examples and they seem *odd* to me"! Like she phones me everyday at work to ask me how I am - and this really irritates me as I'm usually busy. I never realised this was a sign of her special caring for me, yet it really is, because she doesn't do it for anyone else. And there must be zillions of incidents like this

Hello, I had to jump in and say something. My bf is AS and we have similar "issues". I tell him that I don't know he cares because he (rarely) says it or overtly shows it. But then I think of how loyal, trustworthy, and willing to talk about anything that bothers me he is, and I can see that he cares. Because, as was mentioned by previous poster, he does not spend any time even talking to other people!

You can't measure an AS by a NT yarstick, or vice versa, I guess. The hard part for me is thinking about how I am going to get my need for overt physical and emotional caring met by someone who does not have that aspect to give (he does but it is such an effort). I care about him a lot but feel confused and wonder if things will work in the long run.

I have taken to explicitly telling him what I need (e.g. I need sympathy and a hug right now) and he is open to that, so that shows he cares...

Well, just to let you know that you are not alone in this struggle. I firmly believe that if you love someone, you love them as they are, part and parcel. That being said, love is not often enough to keep a relationship going. Furthermore, when two people have two completely different ideas of how to show love to each other, it complicates things evewn further!

I take comfort in knowing that this is a struggle even for NT-NT reelationships as well. Getting along with another human being is not easy, and allowances must always be made for anothers point of view and feelings if you do indeed care about them.

Sorry for the ramble...I have been thinking a lot about this lately!

Thank you for the replies, it's really nice to know that other's are going through the same thing and I'm not just crazy. It's nice to know that there's a name for what he's going through and it helps me understand where he's coming from. I know it's going to take a lot of work, but I think it's possible we can make it work. We are going to couple's therapy and I am going to individual therapy as well, I agree, there's a lot of miscommunication, it's almost like we're speaking 2 different languages sometimes. I just wonder what the "translator" is ROFL and how to bridge that gap.

Hi Briannajoy,
My partner is AS and we have had exactly the same issues you do. I only started to read about AS recently after 5 years together, and when I found WP and read a thread called 'you might be an Aspie if...' everything clicked. Does your partner realise you think he's an Aspie? Does he agree?

Mine also suffered from depression, in fact I insisted that he give up work for a year as he was totally unable to cope with the job he was doing. The things he was depressed/angry/paranoid about seemed irrational to me. I used to be quite social, but it got to the point where I got excited about grocery shopping as it was the only thing besides work I could leave the house for! I was constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing (the 'wrong thing' changed several times a day!) and was terrified of his rages. Yet he said he loved me and couldn't live without me.

I couldn't even confide in friends or family, because if a friend had told me her partner was behaving like mine was I would have said 'get rid of him and find someone better'. I didn't want to hear that because I'd known him for years, and we had to wait 13 years to be together. I knew who he was underneath all the rage.

The more I read about AS the more excited I got, but I wasn't sure whether to tell him. One night I got home and as he was trying to explain the correct way to warm his coffee cup, I said 'you've really thought about this, haven't you?'. I went on to say I thought I understood why he couldn't socialise-was it possible that he couldn't read body language?

We both got more & more excited that I was understanding him and then he said 'OK, so tell me what you think I've got'. I said 'You're an Aspie!! Go to this website immediately!'
After a couple of minutes on WP he agreed.

This was just a couple of months ago, and life has really changed. He knows I'm trying to understand the way he thinks, and he's making an equal effort to understand my bizarre NT needs. Now I know that when I say 'do I look fat in this' and he says 'yes' he's not being insulting, just honest. I did ask, after all... NT men would say 'of course not, you look lovely' even if I looked like the back of a bus. And really, who needs that?

It was his Aspie traits I fell in love with anyway... he was always so much more interesting than anyone else. We still have some problems, like he can't discuss difficult issues, but I know why so it's up to me to find a way of dealing with them that's comfortable for him. No point in getting frustrated with him when he just isn't able to cope with something, it's not like he can change so why get stressed about it?

These days, with a lot of effort from both sides, we have a brilliant relationship. We understand that we have differently wired brains, and that it works both ways. He is no more 'odd' that I am, we're just different. There's nothing 'wrong' with either of us.

There must have been things about him you fell in love with-those things will still be there. If he's AS and he doesn't know, he'll think you're just as difficult as you think he is.

Talk to him about it. Or even better, email him. We find it much easier to discuss things in text. And read this forum as much as you can-things will begin to fall into place. It's pretty exciting when that happens

briannajoy, contact me: [email protected] I know I can help for sure.