Do potential lovers make friends before dating?

Post Reply New Topic

Um, a quick question here, I was wondering if I should try to make friends with my crush first or if I should go ahead and ask her for a walk in the park after school. We have been in many of the same classes and had opportunities for talking for a year or two now, but have said next to nothing to each other, and usually out of necessity when we do. We have had plenty of time to observe each others' behaviours and interactions (at least I have of hers), and we should have the general idea of each other. Do people often date almost-strangers?

Sorry if I go on about this topic a lot, it is the main focus of my life at the moment and I am trying to get it out of the way, and I want the best chance possible.

I'm guessing you know their name by now. Just say [insert name], I'm off to the park after school to chill out and read a book [change for prefered park activity here]. Do wanna join me?

The only relationship I ever had started as friends 1st; neither one of us were looking. It just sort of happened. In the 7 years sense then I've been trying to have another relationship; being friends has always put me in the "just friends" category with women & I can not move up from that

I was planning to say "Hi ____, I was wondering if in the next few days, you would like to, you know, go out with me, say for a walk in the park after school?" Maybe a variation mentioning getting to know each other better, since I am bored of my friends/we end up in the same boat a lot/something else. But maybe I should not say the "go out with me" part?

Your idea seems good, though I do not feel comfortable saying something that casually to someone I have hardly spoken to. In any case, I have no idea what I would do in the park - go for a walk, I guess.


This sounds like a step in each direction as I understood it, but mostly in the direction of asking her out first. I suppose I will do that then.

if that's the case I'll never get anywhere.

I think people today put too much pressure on themselves, and too much expectation. Just invite her to hang out, take it slow, and see what develops. The problem with so many relationships is that they proceed into sex without any foundation of friendship. Then, when there is a bump, it all falls apart. Take it slow for a lasting result.

Well, all I was intending to do was talk and maybe, if I was lucky, get to hold her hand. I think I am taking it slow... But if you are talking about just becoming friends first, I might be a bit stuck. Maybe this is because I never do this sort of thing, but in my experience, people wanting to be friends with someone of the opposite gender never ask them out in a date-ish way. But then again, because of that, I have never seen anybody at my school doing stuff together outside of school time. And in school, she is always surrounded by friends and never really talks to me, or if we get a chance, we both just stand around awkwardly.

Although in English, I am now sitting next to one of her friends who I know a little, so I might end up being accepted into her circle of friends eventually.

By the way, I read Look me in the Eye which was great. I cannot help but feel somewhat honoured that you would make a post on a thread started by me!

I, personally, prefer a friendship first. Everyone is different though.

I think it just depends on circumstances.
Sometimes love grows from friendship, sometime it grows from passion and lust.

This. It just depends on what happens. You've gotta be careful if you're friends though, you might get stuck in the "friend zone."

True but if you do get stuck in the friendzone, means she wasn't into you anyway.

Usually. Could have just got bored of waiting though, if you were with someone else while you were friends or something.

...Maybe I will just assume it is either/or, no real specific common way of doing it.

This is what I have always been told.

I'd say you should begin without expectations of friendship or romance. That takes a lot of pressure off of you.
Being friends first can work, but more often then not, you'll just end up staying in the friend zone
You have to assert your interest a little bit but don't be pushy. Just try and say playful things to her that would push her buttons a little, like light teasing. If you can make her laugh you're certainly on the way there. You're young, so I assume IM is big amongst her and her friends; chatting online might help out. Don't tell her too much about yourself. If she thinks she's figured you out, you lose that mystery that some women like. You might then end up being lumped into the 'like a brother' category where you'll become her emotional support while she complains about other guys
Just ask her questions and listen to what she has to say, and note what kind of humor turns her on or off. I'm not suggesting just saying a bunch of dumb jokes, but if she's willing to laugh at your dumb jokes, it probably means she likes you a little, at least. I've heard women advising shy women who have similar trouble to you to just 'laugh at all his jokes'
Hope my experience is of help to you, good luck!

Thanks for the info!

Not sure if I have 'expectations', maybe just hopes.

I was thinking of asking her questions (e.g. what are your main interests?) then after she answers, stating my side (e.g. my interests) and/or cracking a few jokes. I read that thing on self-disclosure by Theo Pauline Nestor, so I was thinking along those lines. If she asks me a question, I will answer then ask her her side of the issue.

Would perhaps complimenting her on her clothing be good? I have never really observed boys at my school complimenting girls on that, and I DO think she dresses better than other girls. So in my book, that could be a minor attempt at saying 'playful things', especially because I do not really know how to flirt. If the opportunity arises though I might say something more suggestive though.

Fortunately I am good at making people laugh - I can make a joke out of most things people say, though not always a good or appropriate joke. I have made her laugh before, usually in the context of making the whole class laugh when she is around, and occasionally by embarrassing myself (once someone knocked on the classroom door, and, being very jumpy, I immediately jerked around in my seat, when I turned back again she was smiling at me in an amused way).

Despite being very shy (I am getting better at it though) I have recently been answering almost all the questions the teachers throw at the class, and so she might respect me a little more. Also, since she is shy too, she never raises her hand, but the other day she did for possibly the first time, maybe she is trying to copy me?

As long as I do not stutter (which I almost certainly will, having such problems frequently) I should be okay hopefully.