The trouble with rejection

Post Reply New Topic

I have noticed from time to time people will post and say that they have met someone and ask what they should do. The responses often go along the lines of just suck it up and tell them. But then that isn't as easy as it sounds. It is so difficult to actually say to someone that you have a romantic interest in them.

I've seen replies to posts that say people should just learn to deal with rejection. It's part of life. Stop moaning about it. Ask they guy/girl out. If they say no, move on.

But I think that personally it's not so much the rejection that I am scared of. I've always been rejected. That's easy. The difficult part is dealing with the loss of the dream. I see someone that I adore. I wish to spend more time with him. And for a while I am allowed to believe that my future might change. That I might be this happy always. But the moment I ask, the moment I force this person into a situation where they have to tell me that my dream is simply a chimera, then I have to step back into the emptiness. The soaring feeling of loving someone implodes and wounds me and not only must I live with that pain, I have to stare into an empty future once again until I can find another person who conjours up new dreams and happiness in my heart. It took such a long time to find that person that I know in the moment that they say no I will enter into a period where it will take a very long time to meet another and with each rejection or lack of interest it becomes harder to imagine that there will ever be anyone that can love me back.

Therefore, I have stopped asking. It seems that if I have to ask, then the answer is no.

The problem is as well these people whom you are telling to just move on are not the sorts who date casually. They are looking for a partner in life. They don't just ask out whoever they meet that they find attrative. They learn about the person, they spend time maybe with them in a group, or in classes at college or know them through working together every day. Sometimes a person they've got to know better this way is someone they realise things won't work out with and they lose intererst without needing to ever have a conversation about feelings or asking the person out. That way they have kind of tasted, but without the rejection.

But once they find someone who they've investigated (for want of a better word) and they realise that this person is wonderful and so much what they want (maybe even need) and they actually know this person, they are not fantasizing about a totally stranger and adding arms and legs to their personality, they actually know them and are falling in love with them. Then it is more difficult to deal with the rejection. This isn't just another person in a line of people to be tasted on the way to finding the one. This loved one is everything and intoxicating and having that hope of continuing the intoxicating feeling taken away is trully awful. And some will not ask because they can't bear the fall out from having that dream taken away.

I understand where you're coming from and can relate to the feelings you describe, but I think when what you've described happens, moving on is still the best thing to do, and telling them how you feel is still what I'd advise.

What you have to remember is the thoughts you have when you meet this person will remain nothing but thoughts unless you say something, and sure, you might be happy imagining what'd be like if you got together, but you could end up making it happen for real if you take a risk and ask them out, and if they do say no and your dream is gone, then ask yourself, how happy would you really have been in the long term just wondering what would happen anyway?

At the moment it feels too much like I would be forcing open a flower that isn't ready to open, so I don't think this is the right time to tell him how I feel.

I've sometimes felt that way....I guess the price of having a big dream is that you have to accept there's a risk of it getting broken.

I don't think it's unusual for people to start feeling so hopeful about a new potential partner that they lose touch with reality and set themselves up for a fall. I try to remain as pessimistic as I can, to tell myself that most of the things I'm hoping for are not all that likely to happen. It's sometimes useful to try to answer a list of questions about the new person, their strengths, weaknesses and preferences......it can come as quite a shock to realise in that way that I don't know the object of my powerful desires very well at all - that can be something of a wake up call.

You seem to be seeing an agreement to go out with you as the litmus test of whether a person is available for you or not. As a male, I try not to take such a refusal as a complete failure, because it's sometimes the case that women "play hard to get" by saying no at first. I've been surprised how little that first refusal can turn out to have meant when I've just let it go and continued to approach the woman of my choice. Though I suppose it would be one hell of a girly man who did that kind of thing.

When I ask, I try to phrase it in such a way as to minimise the risk of a noticeable rebuff - so I'd not usually ask outright "would you like a date with me?" but I'd say something much lighter, like "do you know x is performing at the y?" Then, if they show interest, I might idly mention that I'm thinking of going along, and if they still seem interested, I might say "Are you going?" and if they seem keen on that, I might say "we could see it together if you like." The advantage is that I can withdraw at any stage without having left myself open to a noticeable rejection, and the other person doesn't feel pressured by a stark choice.

Sounds like you may tend to develop a crush on people....I was much older than you are before I made much progress at tempering that tendency. To some extent I had to learn to run with it, as it was impossible to eradicate. I don't know whether it's mostly down to calming down with age (younger people seem to fall in and out of love more easily than we older ones do), or if my coping strategies have helped - I try to counter unrealistic feelings by telling myself to keep my head and not get too obsessional about any one person until they've given me good reason to think they're attracted to me.

Whatever my heart says, I try hard to listen closely to my head and avoid investing more in the new person than I can afford to lose, and I've become a firm believer in keeping new friendships with women as light as possible. But it's an uphill struggle. I've often caught myself trying to be too "faithful" - i.e. coning down completely on one woman when it's not warranted by the interest she's so far shown me. Sometimes I've felt almost married to some or other lady with whom all I've shared is a couple of nice conversations.

In my opinion, dreams that don't become to plans are useless. Taking a quote from Dr. Phil, the difference between a dream and a plan is a timeline. If you hold onto a dream that you will not realistically act on, you're depriving yourself from developing new, and possibly more attainable dreams. Rejection hurts, and the illusions it shatters can be heartbreaking, but it can also be liberating.

I have quit expressing how I actually feel about a person, because the risk is too great. I've found that, despite a woman's claim that we're not right for each other, I'm a good person, let's be friend, etc, etc, it's all lies. They sever contact, and I never hear from them again. I've lost several friends this way, because I expressed an interest to pursue something more than friendship.

Friends are so hard for me to make and keep, that I would rather hold on to that than risk it for the absurdly small chance of love. Besides, I've failed enough to know that if I keep trying, I'll just fail again, because I'm not the sort of person that any woman wants.

I say if the other party is so interested, let them step up to the plate for freaking once. Until then, I say, don't bother with it, and pursue other interests. I for one am not out to be like all the other sheeple I come across: marriage, mortgage, 2.4 shrieking little monsters. We should all live our lives on our own terms, define our own happiness, and not make them contingent on someone else. And if we find someone along the way, great! If not, that's fine too. I for one have simply determined that if it's gonna happen, it'll happen, but until then, I'm not gonna waste any precious time on other people, because it is usually squandered. I've got bigger things to do!

I've been wondering about this. Why we seem to have such trouble with relationships is easier to understand than why we get so devastated by the loss. I think it's a combination of things.

1. the number of intimate relationships in our lives are likely to be limited by our neurological differences
2. our need for intimacy is just as great as anyone else's
3. promises are forever in our brains
4. the outlets for expression are limited or impaired, so small rejection of a little thing by a partner feels like broken promises.

I think when you bring all these things into play in a relationship, we are playing with what seems to be a hopeless situation. We can learn to express ourselves more directly (as even NT couples must), we can learn to be patient with each others differences, but this is a complicated package to manage all at once. Top it off with the fact that we yearn so desperately for intimacy, probably because those needs for community can't really be met due to social and sensory issues--it's SO hard to be understood. We ache for someone to finally get us. So...thinking we've finally found that reinforces that dream, and if there are promises and thoughts of forever...the loss is all that more devastating.

Relationships are work for everyone, even NTs struggle heroically. We just have a steeper climb to make, but I have to believe it's possible. I have to believe it is possible to have intimacy with someone--to have just one person truly 'get' me and appreciate me anyway. I understand why the loss is so deep and devastating and why it is SO hard. I also understand that I need the hope of intimacy or there isn't much reason to go on...not because I can't live without a man in my life, I'll do just fine thank you...but because a solitary life in a vacuum, unnotable, unremembered, unknown and unloved, seems so, er, unproductive to me.

I have to believe in the dream. I have to prepare myself to be ready for it. I'm going to get knocked around emotionally until I get it right. I'm making peace with this, and learning to not plunge headfirst into "forever" when it's just a cup of coffee and a good conversation. Sometimes coffee and convo are just as needed as 'the dream'.

the older i get, the more i realize that no mere human is worth all that trouble.

It doesn't do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.

I can't remember who said that but it's true. Having your bubble burst is awful, but it has to burst sooner or later sadly