Questions about Autism and Courtship

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I don't know if this is the proper place to post - someone suggested this site as a place for such a question.

I do not have autism or anything on the spectrum (I do know people who do, but they are all children and cannot answer this) - I am writing a novel for this November's NaNoWriMo and one of the major characters is affected by mild/moderate autism. One of the main plot points/conflicts is another of the characters falling in love with him, and well... I've done enough research on autism from a clinical standpoint that I know all about the symptoms and such, but I haven't heard from teens/adults dealing with autism themselves and that makes the "emotional" aspect difficult for me to grasp.

I know that there are novels already portraying autistic characters but I do not know to what extent that they are accurate, and I do not want to portray a "stereotype" or anything inaccurate. Basically I am looking for anything anyone can tell me about the difficulties and challenges of courtship/dating for an autistic teen or young adult. What kinds of difficulties and emotions might someone on the spectrum experience being asked out? For anyone who has an autistic partner/spouse/ect., what kinds of challenges did the relationship bring? The way I understand it, people with autism have difficulties with reading or expressing emotion "properly" (if there is such a thing) but I do not know any specifics.

I thank you in advance for all your help!

~Rinnie

I don't personally have much relationship experience, but I can tell you a bit of my own views and what I've heard from others.

Generally, the problem isn't in the emotions themselves. There is no difference in the love of an NT and an autistic person. (although autistic people seem to be more likely to be asexual (like myself) or aromantic, but that's not particularly relevant) However, there is a problem in communicating those emotions to others. Besides a common lack of a natural ability to work along with traditional courting customs and other social habits, I personally have trouble saying such things as "I love you." The words are easy enough to say, but to me there never seems to be an appropriate moment to say it, which means people may think you don't love them (anymore).

A relationship between NTs and autistic people is like a relationship between any two people that have significant differences: There needs to be a willingness to accept those differences, and a willingness to (try to) compromise to a certain extent.

Thank you so much! I'm glad I got a reply... I think actually talking to people who have experience with this will help with realism. Like I said, the last thing I want to do is portray an autistic person completely wrong, I want it to be realistic.

Thanks

A problem I've experienced and I've heard others speak of the same issue is being too direct and unable to read between the lines. For example I'd been dating a woman for a month or two and she said to me one day "Do you love me?". I didn't even stop to think why she had asked the question. I responded immediately, truthfully and matter of factly "No. But I like you." I wasn't expecting the flood of tears that followed. That was a number of years ago and I've grown more accustomed to pausing and asking myself what is the motivation for someone saying or asking something before I reply, especially regarding emotional matters.

I also find it confusing when presented with highly emotional situations e.g. someone crying or angry at me. A logical reply isn't what is needed in such circumstances, but I struggle to know what to say or do, so tend to walk away and say nothing which can make me seem unfeeling and uncaring.

I'll just add that I'm sure I experience the same full range of emotions as neuro-typicals the problem is knowing when it is appropriate to express those emotions. So I tend to seem cool and aloof to people because I keep interactions at too "safe" and business-like a level. As a teenager girls used to refer to me as Spock (as in Star Trek). From what I've read on this site "Spock" was a common nickname for people here

Another thing that can cause problems in a relationship is the need for routine. So we can get accused of always wanting to do the same sort of thing or wanting to stay home and watch TV rather than go to somewhere more "exciting" and full of social interaction.

Chit-chat conversation can be a problem too. Aspies like nothing better than to talk about a current special interest. In my experience not many girls want to listen to their new boyfriend talking excitedly about the latest computer programming language (or other interest) for hours on end! Starting and keeping conversations going can be difficult sometimes. Aspies generally have little interest in a wide variety of topics and prefer to talk about a narrower range of topics at a deeper level.

If you have any specific questions you can PM me.

Hello, I'd be happy to give a bit of my own experiences as food for thought.

>A bit of information first off: (for all those replying, it might be useful to include this)

>18 year old

>Australian

>Male

>Aspergers Syndrome - moderate (I can function and navigate social situations, but I have regular "slips" and don't fully understand it all. I'm also hypersensitive to light and sound)

>Currently in first relationship. (My girlfriend and I attend the same school, final year with exams less than a week away)

-----------------

TallyMan's experiences seem to be the baseline for many of us, even if you can avoid being too abrupt/stuck in typical symptoms of ASD.

With some help (for me, it was several years of working with speech pathologists), many of us can work out the majority of social interaction. We all have our different quirks and our own individual ways of getting around our own problems. It's different for each person, so any portrayal of autism/aspergers is going to be incomplete.

From my own experiences:

An issue that seems to be ongoing between us is expressing affection. She likes hugs, holding hands, etc. So do I, except I don't fully understand it.

Now, not understanding something is a HUGE issue for someone who charts their course of action based on what they know. If you're as knowledgeable about the symptoms of the disorder as you say, you should be able to appreciate that being confronted with the unknown then it causes us to panic

My way of dealing with panic is avoidance. This raised its own problems. The first few weeks of our relationship were turbulent to say the least. She wasn't sure that I still liked her. I had no idea how to express it. Things have settled down a bit more now, except not the way I would have liked:

She seems to understand that I'm trapped behind one-way glass. I want to open up, I want to let her in. But I can't. She seems to have just accepted that; I don't. I want to do all the stuff that she wants, but I don't know how. Unfortunately, while she wants to understand me, she doesn't seem to (yes, I have tried to talk about this on several occasions). So I'm stuck with a dilemma: I want to do everything that a "normal"* couple would, but don't completely know how, so I hesitate. She wants to as well but thinks that it's uncomfortable for me (more or less true, but I want to anyway) so she hesitates.

From one angry rant I had about this problem (I was actually thinking along these lines at some stage): I hate this f***ing condition. I'm sick of having f***ing broken equipment that f***ing stops me from connecting. I'm sick of being seen as a machine. I'm sick of being the Tin Woodsman (wizard of oz, if "I only had a heart"). I'm sick of not being able to show what I'm feeling or thinking.

Now, one of my greatest fears is failure (I've done a fair bit of soul searching and yes, I know how unhealthy that is). Combine that with the frustration that comes when you're constantly shown something that you want to fix but for some reason can't. Especially when everything else seems to come so easily.

I'm a straight-A student. I'm the top English student in the school, one of the best when it comes to mathematics. I can sing, act, write novels and musicals, play an instrument, I'm relatively good looking, I have many friends and am generally well liked despite my quirks. And yet, I can't work out this one little thing If I think it through logically, It's not all that hard: Just f***ing do it. But then I can't bring myself to

In essence, the entire experience is frustration. Absolute frustration at being trapped behind one-way glass that stops you from being able to connect with those you care about.

*Before someone goes nuts at me for wording it like this, I'm not meaning to troll. I just mean I don't want to be limited by the problems ASD brings.

I hope this semi-rant is useful to you, and good luck with your novel!

Well, I'm a 16 year old diagnosed Aspie, so let's see if I can help you out a bit here.

When I'm in relationships, I feel the same things typically associated with "young love", but I often feel nervous, too, at least when I was with my first (NT) girlfriend, because I was constantly worried I'd do something "wrong" and screw the relationship up. Remember that we have to make effort to consciously learn and apply the rules of social norms.

I was also with another Aspie at one point, but that brought its own problems. We argued all the time and it was a very on/off relationship - we broke up three times within just under three months, I think. Though, my Aspie ex also suspects she has bipolar, so that may have complicated it more than a normal Aspie/Aspie relationship.

Anyway, never the less, that relationship still made me very happy, because I felt comfortable and I felt as if we could relate a lot. In fact, she's the only girl I've felt properly "in love" with. Weird considering how much we argued, but hey, who said emotions were logical?

As for being asked out, the guy is hardly ever the one to be asked out and I'm no exception, but I can tell you that when I do the asking out, I can either be romantic or just say it straight out, it's weird. With my first girlfriend, for example, I asked her out on MSN by saying "do you wanna go out with me?" or something along those lines. Very romantic, eh?

However, with my Aspie girlfriend, I asked her out by writing her a poem and where the first letter of each paragraph spelled out her name, then I showed it to her, not telling her who it's about. She liked it a lot, and when asked who it was for, I just said "read the first letter of each paragraph."

I'm not really sure what else to say, but if you have any specific questions you'd like to ask me, feel free and I'll try answering them.