How to Help Aggression

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I'm seeing a guy with Aspergers. I have Bipolar and ADHD, take meds for both and have been stable for almost three years.(also, I scored 158 out of 200 on the Aspie Quiz, for what it's worth) Here's the problem:

He's 24 and has never been in a relationship (he has had sex, but never with the same woman more than twice) because they fight. We've been seeing each other two months now and in general it is great. He is really nice, trustworthy.....but...

He takes things so literally, whereas I am all about puns and other kinds of wordplay. He seems so dour sometimes. He can't finesse the white lie and refuses to see the point of saying he likes my shoes.

He gets angry very easily. We were communication via MSN and had to stop because we fought-- then I switched us to Skype with video. If we can see each other, it is really pleasant, no fights. I think I can handle the outbursts. I am older -- I read that Aspie men tend to choose older, stronger women-- he said he prefers older women.

He has fought with his family and is essentially estranged from them, and this week he had a falling out with his employer (he does freelance programming, luckily he has other jobs lined up). He says that I am his only friend in the world. I am getting the feeling that his quick temper and ability to hold a grudge are biting him in the ass.

I want to help him, but I don't want to play therapist (I come from a family of therapists)--- and we live outside the US and Europe, in a place where people just don't go to a psychiatrist (except me ). He does not know he has Aspergers, but he fits the descriptions so well I have no doubt . So I really can't say, "here let's go to a specialist and have you assessed."

Since there is no treatment other than Behavioral Therapy, is it enough to explain to him what Aspergers is and hope that he keeps it in mind during future relationships, romantic or at work? I'm afraid he is going to go through life burning all his bridges. I want to help him have a happier life.

Sounds like you're dealing with quite a bit. Something about him make you like him, but it's far from the perfect relationship. From how it sounds, he seems angry but not abusive. You want to stay with him, but understand he needs to make some changes. That's where it's tricky.

Yes a lot of this could be AS (and likely is), it might be more than just AS. Telling him about your concern for his anger could start a dialogue. He probably has the same concerns but might not know where to go. You could be supportive.



Unfortunately, it sounds like you are already playing therapist. You may have to continue in this role until he trusts a little more. If there is a bias against therapy, or lack of resources, then it might be difficult to treat him. Continue to skype or do whatever else works. Hopefully it will get better.

It sounds like me when I was younger. I wouldn't put up with his temper tantrums. Tell him you care about him and we will talk when you've got your emotions in checked. Then walk away. He has to learn to control himself and develop more constructive habits for dealing with his problems. It is up to you if you want to deal with that.

poor guy. and poor you, bring it up to his attention that he is aspergers if he flys into a mad fit tell him he gets his life in order or your out the door

most aspergers want you to be blunt with them, as this is there favorite way of communicating

aspies rarely need psycotherapy unless they have really bad co-morbids, or past abuse issues
the only thing different about him is his brain is not wired the same way yours is

good luck

Thank you for your kind replies. He is not abusive at all, and when he gets angry he doesn't say hurtful things-- but he does push my buttons. I'm not a person who argues in general.

What happens in MSN, or online without video, is that he takes something that I type literally and starts questioning it to death, or he says something that is incredibly stark and I say, "that's very rude." and he just does not understand why that is rude since it is the truth.

Because I strongly suspect Aspergers, I am able to take it with a grain of salt. Lately the taking-things-literally has been making me laugh (to myself). He is a really nice, sweet person with perception/expression issues.

Our age difference is significant. I have been married and have a child, have a stable job and a home. I don't feel in danger of being consumed by the relationship. I do not think it is a case of "poor me." I have a choice whether to be in the relationship or not. For the time being I am in it. My choice.

I am looking for the key, perhaps the magic word, to say to open his mind to the possibility that maybe the pattern of estrangement that he experiences has to do with him and not entirely with his family or friends or employer.

The other night on the phone we had a stupid exchange. At the end of it I said, "I'm sorry...and you know you could say that you are sorry too in this situation." He immediately said, "I'm sorry too." He had never done that before.

I rarely find people that I want to spend time with. I think I mentioned above that I have BP and ADHD. I am a writer, historian and editor of academic texts. I find his clarity of thought and single-mindedness refreshing. He takes his topic and he delves deep. I feel that I can trust him.

I have been struggling with my neurology for a very long time and I look at him and I think "he's working too hard. It doesn't have to be that hard..." but if there are no meds like in BP, then all he is left with is Cognitive Therapy and he is unlikely to get any of that because of where we live. Does it have to stay that difficult?

OK, you must know that we're not the quickest to pick up on subtleties even in complete context -- in person with the full range of body language and speech inflection, etc., etc. Your friend is at a remarkable disadvantage in front of a computer screen seeing nothing but strings of letters popping up and passing by. Of course he's taking it literally(!) Your messages may well be confusing and threatening -- especially if they're full of puns and wordplay and sarcasm (things that I'm sure you know don't necessarily translate well onto the page even in the NT world). I've had relationships that would explode on a daily basis when the only available mode of communication was e-mail or some sort of messaging. No more MSN!



Do you really think there's a "key" or "magic word"? I'm not doubting you necessarily, but I do wonder. On the other hand, he may well know, sort of deep down, that there's a problem here and that it may well lie with him. My ex-wife was basically as blunt with me as, "you have Asperger's." I didn't take that all that well, but it certainly didn't provoke anger or inspire me to push her away and ignore the issue. This may be highly personal, however. Questions are always less threatening than statements; maybe try to work your way in that way? (I know you say that you don't want to be a therapist, but you've got one foot inside the door already.) I don't know what you could try... Maybe start with, "Hey, I see X happening to you a lot lately -- what do you think is going on?" And when you finally get a combination of "take things so literally," "having trouble maintaining relationships," "can't seem to hold a job," and "get really into whatever topic I'm pursuing," throw it all into a google search and stand back. You'll get him where he needs to be in a pretty non-confrontational way. He may well ask you something like, "hey, do you think this could be it?" Well, we can hope.




Yeah, join the club. Except no one wants to spend time with us either(!)



That may be the thing that bites you in the ass (I'm only half joking about that.)



My impression is that, yes, it has to be that difficult until it isn't anymore -- meaning that lots and lots and lots of work is required to undo the tendency I have (and it sounds like he has) to needlessly complicate absolutely everything.

I get your confusion and frustration, I really do.

OK, you must know that we're not the quickest to pick up on subtleties even in complete context -- in person with the full range of body language and speech inflection, etc., etc. Your friend is at a remarkable disadvantage in front of a computer screen seeing nothing but strings of letters popping up and passing by. Of course he's taking it literally(!) Your messages may well be confusing and threatening -- especially if they're full of puns and wordplay and sarcasm (things that I'm sure you know don't necessary translate well onto the page even in the NT world). I've had relationships that would explode on a daily basis when the only available mode of communication was e-mail or some sort of messaging. No more MSN!



Do you really think there's a "key" or "magic word"? I'm not doubting you necessarily, but I do wonder. On the other hand, he may well know, sort of deep down, that there's a problem here and that it may well lie with him. My ex-wife was basically as blunt with me as, "you have Asperger's." I didn't take that all that well, but it certainly didn't provoke anger or inspire me to push her away and ignore the issue. This may be highly personal, however. Questions are always less threatening than statements; maybe try to work your way in that way? (I know you say that you don't want to be a therapist, but you've got one foot inside the door already.) I don't know what you could try... Maybe start with, "Hey, I see X happening to you a lot lately -- what do you think is going on?" And when you finally get a combination of "take things so literally," "having trouble maintaining relationships," "can't seem to hold a job," and "get really into whatever topic I'm pursuing," throw it all into a google search and stand back. You'll get him where he needs to be in a pretty non-confrontational way. He may well ask you something like, "hey, do you think this could be it?" Well, we can hope.




Yeah, join the club. Except no one wants to spend time with us either(!)



That may be the thing that bites you in the ass (I'm only half joking about that.)



My impression is that, yes, it has to be that difficult until it isn't anymore -- meaning that lots and lots and lots of work is required to undo the tendency I have (and it sounds like he has) to needlessly complicate absolutely everything.

I get your confusion and frustration, I really do.

Why should he say he likes your shoes? Especially if he doesn't.

Honestly, I wouldn't date someone with a quick temper.

Perhaps he has AS, perhaps he doesn't....I find a lot of women come on here thinking their husband or boyfriend does, when in reality, some of them have other issues. I knew one guy once who didn't get along with any really. I'm quite certain he didn't have AS. He was just a d!ck to be quite honest and I wasn't the only one who thought so.

If I were you I'd just sit down with your boyfriend, tell him you want to talk to him about something, and tell him basically what you told us. You might choose to do this in the presence of a relationship counselor.

If he gets upset about this then that would be my que to exit the relationship. It's one thing being in a relationship with someone who has some issues, but it's another thing to be in a relationship with someone who has issues and won't acknowledge them or make an attempt to properly address them.

OP.....hmm.....there is no magic word or phrase or "way of putting it," that will make him more receptive to your diagnosis. Tell him plainly and simply, and encourage him to take the online test, so he can draw his own conclusions. And remind him that you're not a trained professional - but that you do care about him.

As for your own role in this relationship....I don't know, but I think you need to give it some careful thought. There's clearly an imbalance of power here: you're "significantly" older (and an undiagnosed male Aspie in his early 20's is going to have a significant maturity deficit), this kid seems isolated (and therefore socially and emotionally dependent on you), and you have this little secret about his potential Aspieness. So...do you think you might be looking for someone to teach, or parent....or even control? I'm not saying you're looking for any of those things, but there's some reason this kid and/or a relationship with him is attractive to you. Until you're really sure what that reason is, proceed with caution, okay?

How much do you think he knows about AS? That might be a place to start. Also, talk about the reasons you suspect AS. Say it out of concern so you don't sound accusatory (of course you probably already know this). From what you say, he might argue but not be too mean about it.

Why you connect with him (and he with you) might be for many reasons. Maybe there is some sort of parent/child thing going on here, but nevertheless you have made a connection. While there may be an imbalance of power, it truly looks like you are trying to find ways to balance it.

HopeGrows, I do agree: proceed with caution.