Please help... Need advice on sexual relationship with my GF

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My girlfriend and I started dating about a month ago. Things are going well. I make her happy, and she makes me happy. We treat each other well, and we are attracted to one another. She wants to wait until marriage before having sex, and I'm okay with that. It's not ideal, exactly.... But I can handle it, because I really care a lot about her. We are physically intimate in other ways: We hold hands, we kiss, and she loves for me to put my hands on her. The problem is that I want to try oral sex. It's something I have thought a lot about. I love to please her in any way I can, so naturally the thought of performing oral sex would come up. However, she isn't interested in it. At all. At first she said the idea disgusted her. She didn't want to be licked. We were making out the other night, though, and I used my tongue on her neck a little bit. She certainly didn't seem to mind that. Right after that, I brought up the idea of me going down on her. She said she would think about it. A couple days later, I asked if she had thought about it and she said that yes, she had. She decided it was still something she didn't want to do. She says that she doesn't find the idea as disgusting as she did, but is still not interested, has no real reason why that is the case, and doesn't want to discuss it anymore. It's a bit of a blow to my ego that my girlfriend is telling me this. I mean, I have never heard of a woman who didn't want to receive oral. How can we get past this? I even told her that if it's because she doesn't want to do oral on me, that it's fine, she wouldn't be obligated to do so. I told her that it's about me wanting to make her feel good, not me trying to earn sexual favors from her. How can I possibly convince her just to let me try, one time. All I want is for her to feel as good as possible. Furthermore, I am a little concerned that down the road our sex life will become dull if she isn't even open to the idea of oral sex.

So she doesn't like oral, there are plenty of other things you can do short of actual intercourse.
If you keep pushing this it'll make her uncomfortable.

Sweetie you do know that even though you are not having intercourse you are still having sex, right? Maybe she needs somebody to explain it to her. Sex is sex, and even though she may have things distinguished in her mind (oral may be more than just touching in her mind, and oral is more than intercourse) it is all the same thing: two people pleasing each other. Once she understands that, nothing is off limits.

Well, if she does not want to do this, don't jeopardize your relationship with her over it. You have done pretty much everything you could to convince her in a rational way. If she doesn't want to do it, it's her decision so don't push her. It may get you what you want, but in the long run it will be harmful for your relationship. Please think about this.

Try to put yourself in her shoes: how would you like your partner to act if you really didn't want to do something, whatever the reason? Would you like it if your partner would try to push you into doing it? This may sound a little harsh, but I don't have another way to explain this.

let it be... i kinda do know the urge you discribe i always want to perform oral sex on my girlfriend sometimes she alowes sometimes she doesnt want it. its not all to great but for some reason i always want to do it.

Leave it alone. If it's something you need to be fulfilled in the relationship then you should discuss it with her in those terms. Otherwise, it looks like she is not going to have any part of it. Leave it alone and do not pressure her.

She might need to just come out of her shell a bit more.

Don't pressure it. You seem like a good and respectful guy, and if you love each other decide if it's worth it. How does she feel about fingering or using a toy?

Frigid and a prude. DTMFA

She made her wishes known to you. If it's really about pleasing *her*, then you'll respect those wishes. Pestering her about something she's told you she doesn't want to be pestered about isn't going to make her feel good, it'll make her uncomfortable.

You already agreed to the no-sex-before marriage thing, right? Oral sex is sex, no matter what Bill Clinton says.

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. hale_bopp, I am hoping that you are correct about her just needing to come out of her shell a bit. I think it might be a vulnerability thing, because she also gets frustrated when she cries in front of me. It embarasses her immensely. She doesn't like to be out of control, as she puts it. So maybe having that done to her is too far out of her comfort zone. I'm not sure, that's just my guess. I want to discuss it with her further, but she does not want to talk about it because it makes her uncomfortable. When it comes to fingering, or a toy, she told me that she was fingered once and it was not enjoyable. I'm thinking maybe that guy tried to finger her before she was aroused, therefore she wasn't wet, so there was no lubrication for his finger. She says that rubbing feels good, but I have only rubbed her while she was still wearing her pajama pants, so there was no direct skin on skin contact. She actually got really turned on, and I was going to then attempt to go down on her, but she stopped me. I want to ask her what she does to pleasure herself but I also don't want to keep pressing this issue and cause her any undue stress, or in the worst case scenario, cause her to stop talking to me.

What hale_bopp said, that's similar advice to what I would give. In all honesty, I would recommend not even discussing oral at this stage, especially if she's not even comfortable with fingering yet. Her desire not to have sex until marriage may even be born out of fear as opposed to other reasons, but who knows.

Your task, as I will put it, is to introduce her to these things slowly, in a way that she feels comfortable with and gets pleasure out of. I would stop on the oral track, and move towards fingering first. If she had a bad experience in the past, it was probably for the reason you described. You need to replace that bad memory with good memories, because at the moment she probably doesn't have any good memories associated with contact down there (which is a massive barrier). When you talked about your experience with rubbing, it was a mistake at that point to push her towards oral again. Let her enjoy something without having dread hanging over her that it will lead to something she finds aberrant. Try slowly introducing her to touching, first rubbing from outside the clothing - gauge her reaction to this, then if she seems to be really enjoying it move to touching (but keep it very light and exploratory, nothing heavy or finger sex at this stage). For now, I would leave it at that. Once she has gotten used to this she will probably come to expect and enjoy it, and that will substantially increase her comfort levels with this sort of thing. This is the first step towards oral, and indeed any sort of sexual activity, and trying to jump straight to oral without even getting to this stage first is a mistake and obviously would generally scare a woman off.

I have respect for the fact that you'll willing to wait it out. To me, the whole "no sex before marriage" argument is some kind of Stone Age throwback to the Victorian Era. I don't even know any girls who have this viewpoint anymore.



Just man up and bring up the subject. You don't have to be disrespectful or rude about it at all, but you should be able to maturely and confidently discuss a subject like that without living in constant fear that she's going to dump you or stop talking to you.

You're 24 years old, right? That means that you're a full grown man now, and one who should be able to calmly and rationally discuss any subject with your partner (including any sexual issue) without worrying about her icing you. Just say what you want to say. Nobody can hold it against you for being honest.

I don't think there's an easy answer to this situation, but here's your reality check: you agreed to wait until marriage to have sex, and going down on her is absolutely sex.

You didn't mention it explicitly, but you've given the impression that this young lady is a virgin. I'm guessing that means she may have never been naked with a man - and receiving oral would certainly require some intense nudity on her part. Perhaps that's adding to her discomfort with the whole situation. Perhaps the idea that you agreed to wait and are now pressuring her for physical intimacy is also adding to her discomfort.

Look, IMO, I would not agree to wait until marriage to have sex with someone I intended to marry. Sexual compatibility is just way too important to remain a mystery until after the lifelong commitment is made. But that's me. Unfortunately for you, you made an agreement to wait. Either honor that agreement, or get out of this relationship before you get in any deeper. You've only been together for a month and you're already trying to figure out how to go back on your word - not a good sign.

It certainly seems like virgin behaviour to me.
That isn't all bad.

Maybe she is embarassed about how her vagina smells or would taste. Maybe you get coldsores on your lips. There could be HEAPS of reasons why shes uncomfortable and its not because she's not sexually open.

It would be better if she is honest with you, but the real reason is can YOU go without giving/receiving oral sex? Because If you cannot the foundation of the relationship is built on fluid.

If you really want to be with her I would not bring it up again to sound pushy, but maybe after enough time has passed.

You're an idiot. You sound like the typical male ars*hole no decent women want.

I find it odd that no one has spoken up to disagree with the above posters who have so firmly stated that oral sex is sex. While I am feeling unusually disinclined to go into a semantic argument, I will at least say that I disagree. After all, if a person has performed oral sex on another, but has had no other sexual activity, would you consider this person to no longer be a virgin?

With that out of the way, I must say that I agree with the advice of most of those who have responded thus far. You should not push the matter. There are many reasons she might not be interested, and that is her decision. She may change her mind later, she may not. To press the matter can only do harm.

I can see no way in which her desire or lackthereof to receive oral stimulation is in any way related to your value/worth/etc, so it seems really quite irrational for it to be taken as a blow to your ego. It really isn't one. As for never hearing of a woman who didn't want to receive oral sex, they do exist. Most people, when they hear this, will assume that this can only be due to self-consciousness on her part, but to the contrary, not every woman enjoys it. Of course, as your girlfriend hasn't tried it, this last bit is irrelevant, but I feel compelled to try to clear up misconceptions.

Thanks for the replies. Except for you, brianruns.... My girlfriend is hardly frigid! She tells me all the time about how turned on she gets just thinking of me when we are apart, and when we are together we are quite intimate. I should have been more clear in the beginning. She wants to wait until marriage to have vaginal intercourse, but is willing to be intimate with me in other ways right now.

This has really helped me work this out. I discussed it a little further with my girlfriend. She says she has always had issues with being touched down there, but did not want to explain it further than that. I am not going to press her on the oral sex issue, and told her so. We are going to leave it at that, and if she changes her mind, I am certain she will let me know. I know it should not have been a blow to my ego to begin with, but I think that's just male pride messing with my head. It's that part of my brain that says, "She doesn't want you to do that because she's not attracted to you." I should know better by now. Just my insecurity rearing its ugly head.

I talked to her about fingering as well. She said it was uncomfortable the last time, and I asked her if it was because she wasn't wet and there was no other lubrication. She said that was the case, and it didn't occur to her back then. So I explained to her that a lack of lubrication would definitely cause discomfort, and she is now open to me using my fingers on her. so we are making progress. I think that one day, she will want oral from me, but even if she doesn't, it's alright. I just want her to be as happy as she can. Thanks again, everyone!