[This started out as a MySpace bulletin. My comments are in brackets. Because...let's face it, sexism is never fun. I don't like it when things like this assume things about ALL people of either gender. Now...this has a great idea behind it: that guys and girls should do, and continue to do, sweet 'n' romantic things for one another. However, the actual execution of this idea--the way it is translated onto the page--is awful, as I shall demonstrate. Phrasing is everything.]
Guys should know that one part of making a girl feel special is CONTINUING to do the things she loves the most...not doing them once and never doing them again.
If she's any REAL girl at all, she'd do these things for guys, too. [Yeah, see, so if this was just a generalization it wouldn't bother me quite as much. But it says ANY. And sure, because any girl who doesn't follow the norm is undoubtedly a crossdresser and/or alien...]
KEEP leaving her cute text messages. [What if she's super busy, never checks her MySpace, thinks it's evil, and thinks that "cutesy" text messages are annoying and flaunt a relationship she'd rather keep private, seeing as relationships are PERSONAL?]
KEEP kissing her in front of your friends. [Yeah, this makes all girls sound heartless...I mean, what if one of your friends likes her, and while he's totally fine with just hearing about your relationship, he doesn't actually want to see the smooching? And yet, according to this you're supposed to kiss in front of him, no doubt causing the poor bastard an evening of misery and feelings of betrayal, and surely no real girl would ever care about the state of mind of their friends or boyfriends' friends....]
KEEP trusting her over everyone else. [Even if she wants to drive blindfolded? Wait, you shouldn't be dating someone that psycho anyway...but anyway, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes you gotta side with your bros and not your ho's, if you'll pardon the awful description of girlfriends as whores...they're not, it's just a good rhyme.]
KEEP telling her she looks beautiful. [Actually, I know of many girls who don't consider themselves pretty at all and find it annoying as hell when people say they are because they don't like being lied to. f**k liars!]
KEEP looking her in the eye when you talk to her. [Because surely, no one could have a girlfriend who happened to not have eyes because of a freak accident or genetic disorder...and what if you have a wandering eye that you can't control?]
KEEP telling her stupid jokes to make her laugh. [This one is good.]
KEEP letting her mess with your hair. [What if she starts tying it up into pigtails???]
KEEP messing with HER hair. [Oh, sure, because we all know that girls with hair too short to mess with aren't girlfriend material (/sarcasm)]
KEEP just walking around with her. [Not if she wants you to stop or looks at you like you're a stalker. Trust me, this is a bad one to follow sometimes. Sometimes, people need time without you.]
KEEP including her in most things you do. [Assuming she's at all interested. I mean, s**t, if I'm sitting here playing a game and she has no interest in watching or joining in, why force her to?]
When she cries, KEEP doing whatever to make her smile. [Or, if she's crying because of of something YOU did, it's probably best to just leave her the hell alone for a while.]
KEEP forgiving her for her mistakes. [Unless she drives needles into your penis or fingernails, thinking that you're a masochist.]
**KEEP looking at her like she's the only girl you see.** [Some girls find staring a dead turn off. I speak from experience.]
KEEP ticking her off even if she says stop. [Oh this is SUCH BS! I'm sure that many girls can attest that continuously and intentionally pissing your girlfriend off is the surest path to a stable, healthy, long-lasting relationship...]
KEEP holding her hand, even when you are around your friends. [But if she tells you to let go, for god's sake do it. "Would you let go?" "No." "What? Why not? I need my hand to do this." "No. See, uh, I read this MySpace Bulletin that said I had to hold my girlfriend's hand, like, all the time...yeah okay it does sound pretty stupid, doesn't it?"]
When she's mad at you, KEEP telling her you love her. [Let's see how it might play out if someone were to take this advice: "Listen you cheating son of a--" "I love you." "--son of a b***h! Why the hell--" "I love you." "Did you do it?" "I love you." "How dare you sleep with--" "I love you." "--my best f*****g friend, you--" "I love you." "--fucking as*hole!" "I love you." "Stop interrupting mem, damn it!" "I love you." "No you f*****g don't! Get out!" "I love you." "GET THE f**k OUT!" "I love you." "OOOOOUT!" "Fine. b***h." (Guy leaves, and dates her soon-to-be-ex best friend.)]
KEEP letting her fall asleep in your arms. [If her personal hygene is poor, the pros of not following this one can sometimes outweigh the cons. Your mental health is important, too!]
KEEP getting her mad, then kissing her. ["Hey, honey?" "What?" "You're a b***h." "What? f**k you! How dare you call me a b***h, and why the hell are--" (Smooch.) "What the f**k was that about? You called me a b***h and then kissed me out of nowhere? f**k off. We're through. You, me, OVERRR! And guess what? I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU!" (Spit flies.)]
KEEP teasing her and letting her tease you back. ["Your hair is so stupid." "So's yours." "What? b***h!" "as*hole!" (They hurl insults but then suddenly start to make out.) Yeah, see, not every couple has a relationship like that nutso one on SNL....]
KEEP staying up with her all night when she's sick. [This one's very sweet. If she has ebola, though, I recommend wearing a containment suit.]
KEEP watching her favorite movie. [Because surely every girlfriend would be cruel enough to make their boyfriend sit through a movie they hate over and over and over again. s**t, I wouldn't make any girlfriend of mine watch "The Matrix" or "The Nightmare Before Christmas" even once if they didn't want to, so why should I have to watch "Lost in Translation," the film I hate most out of any in the world, if it happens to be the favorite movie of someone I'm dating?]
KEEP kissing her forehead. [Not when she doesn't want it, though.]
KEEP giving her the world. [Because surely every girl would want to be the queen (b***h) of the universe, with everyone else her subjects....]
KEEP writing her letters. [Yeah, okay, this is sweet.]
KEEP letting her wear your clothes. [Because surely every girl deserves to be a crossdresser and wear their boyfriend's clothes even when they smell like that musky adolescent guy smell and probably should be washed, but if you wear any of her clothes you're sure to be called a homosexual.]
When she's sad, KEEP hanging out with her. [Unless she really DOES want to be alone. Sheesh, everyone needs alone time sometimes! Misery doesn't always love company. Especially in the goth crowd--if you're dating a goth, leave her alone when she asks for it for god's sakes.]
KEEP letting her know she is important. [Some girls find this intimidating as hell. Only do this if she's as obsessed with you as you are with her. Otherwise she just might find this overwhelming and it could cause her to go into an insecure state, and then break up with you 'cus she's "too busy" to be as devoted to a relationship as you are.]
KEEP letting her take all the photos of you she wants. [Fine, but if they upload your photos to their MySpace and add the caption of, "This is MY man and ANYONE WHO TALKS TO HIM IS DEAD!!" that might be going a bit too far....]
KEEP kissing her in the rain. [Yes, but some girls would hate it if you drag them outside on a rainy day to kiss. Only do this if they like it when it's rainy.]
And when you fall in love with her, KEEP telling her. [But DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE LOVE! For Crissakes, people use the idea of love as though it's barely a notch over "major crush." You do not love someone right after meeting them! Jeez, people, get it right. And never, ever use "I love you" as a way to manipulate girls into doing s**t for you, especially if sex is involved. That's just immoral.]
And when you do tell her...
...KEEP LOVING HER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LOVED BEFORE. [Forgive my cynicism, but for some guys this would definately be the case anyway. Also, I'd just like to add that if you do any of this...be friggin' sincere about it. Romance isn't the means by which sex is purchased--if you're only dating because you need a companion in the bedroom, at least go for someone who's as sexually-driven, and as romantically-challenged, as yourself. Otherwise you're just being a dishonest as*hole who's using a sweet girl to satisfy your need for sex, 'cus you're too picky to just masturbate--and if both of you are okay with that, then sure, fine, whatever, it's your relationship. I'm out.]
09 Jun 2006, 12:45 am
