Can an Aspie Fall Out of Love?

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I met the love of my life, an aspie man about 9 months ago. Because of my deep and protective love for him, I'm really trying to gain insight into his special, gifted, and wonderful mind.

(I know this will be long, but please bare with me, I have few who can give me insight on the matter)

How my aspie and I came to be, was in his place of employment, I was a customer of his. I would frequently catch him staring at me, and he'd smile at me when our eyes would meet, He was always friendly and playful towards me whenever I'd see him. I fell more and more under his spell with each exchange we'd have. I dropped the "hint-hint" that I was very much interested in him, and he asked for my number. We met up that night and spent the entire evening connecting, laughing, and sharing about ourselves.

He has been married previously, with two beautiful children. The marriage ended horribly for him. His ex betrayed him by leaving him for his best friend. I feel sometimes to this day, he still struggles with that stab in the back and it kills me that I can't be his "superwoman" and erase all of his hurt. He has openly told me several times that the marriage was not a happy one, and he feels in his heart that he did not love her, but stayed with her for their children and out of a sense of loyalty. He has even been so bold as to tell me that he believes I was always meant to be the mother of his children, and has apologized for not holding out and waiting for me to have them

We have only been together for 9 months, but in that time I have blossomed and grown as a person for simply knowing him. We are deeply connected in our hobbies, tastes, and desires. We such kindred spirits in the fact that we have said, experienced, and seen the lightest and darkest parts of ourselves to one another and we still seem to love each other fiercely. In this time, he proposed to me and he coordinated for us to be married by his minister friend (this spoke so deeply to my heart). We have also been actively trying to start and create a family together. Having more children was something he absolutely did not want when we first got together, but now he has "asked" me for four more children together. Taking me by the hand, saying "I want to see you full with MY children."


My aspie is very affectionate to me in public. Often telling me how proud he is to have me on his arm when we go out. He has also been very vocal to other men if he
senses them "taking note of me physically". Our sexual life is amazing, and he never ceases to please me fully. We really have an amazing chemistry, and we make each other feel like teenagers in love for the first time. I know his demons and pain, and it makes me love him all the more. I am very defensive and protective over him. He knows all of my bad choices and the skeletons in my closet, and has been nothing but supportive over me.


HOWEVER.......

Recently, I have noticed small and strange things that make me feel as though I'm losing him. I have asked him forthright and he assures me that nothing has changed, and he loves me as much as ever.

Here is a few of the things that led me to think otherwise:

- Immediately after we were married, when we walked back to the parking lot, he kept a good amount of distance from me and seemed very distracted.

- He is inconsistent with the amount of calls or texts I receive from him.

- When we go out o dinner he can border on being flirty with the waitresses

-When my ex husband tries to start trouble with us, my aspie usually flies into a rage that may or may not be directed at me and then disconnects for a few days

- During one argument regarding my ex, my aspie (in a fit of rage) screamed at me "GET OUT OF MY LIFE!" He later professed through tears, that he couldn't live without me.

and most importantly...

- After feeling some pulling away on his part, I decided to go through his phone. Which I'm really not proud of, but it was just a nagging feeling I couldn't shake. I found flirty text messages to another female calling her provocative names, and saying he'd like to meet for coffee. I was never informed by him of any such meeting with a woman. When I approached him, and yes, I was enraged- He became physically and violently angry right back at me. Later, after some cooling down, he admitted to flirting with her but claimed to have no sexual intentions with her. He said she was a regular customer who was "helping him get a job". I spoke with the woman myself and she confirmed that my husband was flirting with her but it never went any further than that. I believe sometimes the line between appropiate behavior an inappropriate behavior is blurred for him?

- He has been withdrawing more frequently, and when I ask him why directly, he states that he has a great fear of failing me and the family we are trying to start. He feels he has to be superman, and the pressure can be too much for him sometimes (despite my constant reassurance that we are PARTNERS, and I depend on him for nothing more than his undying loyalty and love)


In an aspie mind, what really translates to love? Being an analytical person, am I reading too much into everything?

This seems like a dangerous topic, but what the heck, I'll throw my $.02 in.

I am not as bad a some Aspie's but you are asking people that have trouble deciphering emotions and social conventions about how to deal with emotions and social conventions.

I stuck with a girlfriend/fiancé for almost 10 years because I didn't want to break my routine. Sounds stupid and it took me a long time to figure out but there it is.

I still struggle with this today. I have been married 8 years and have 3 kids and still couldn't tell you if I "love" any of them or if I am merely "used to" them.

If "normal" people have trouble with defining "love" how should I?

In my experience violence and rage come most easily to an Aspie asked to deal with a stressful situation. I'm not saying it's right, and it took me nearly 30 years to get a handle on myself.

Why your husband(?) acts the way he does as far as flirting, etc, with other women, I don't know. I did it to my fiancé. For ME the FEELING was intense. This compares to not usually feeling anything at all. Just flirting. Just thinking about flirting can make my heart race. By the same token, my wife tells me girls flirt with me from time to time and I have no idea it happened. I think a woman I know might have flirted with me the other night and it wasn't until over an hour later that I thought about it. And the only reason I thought about it was I wanted to flirt with her.

But I know ME, and that is a dangerous place to be.

Self awareness is an issue with some Aspies. They think everyone else is screwed up.

What can you do? I find direct instructions to be best. No hinting or beating around the bush. If you are hurt, offended, etc over his actions, don't swallow it. Your silence means nothing is wrong to him.

But obviously, attacking him verbally isn't the best plan of attack because as you've seen, he won't react well.

Being in a relationship with an Aspie isn't for everyone. It's a lot like work sometimes. Before you do anything you can't undo easily, you might want to determine if you want to expend the energy.

Again, just my $.02. Take it for what it's worth.

Look, I think you're mistaking some really important issues with your husband's character for symptoms of ASD. I can assure you he realizes that he was not supposed to be flirting with and trying to arrange a meet up/hook up with another woman. That he was engaging in that type of behavior is not due to ASD - its due to one or more character defects.

That said, I can't say ASD isn't a factor in your relationship - although I have no way of knowing how much of a factor it may be. For example, Aspies can sometimes meet a person who becomes their "special interest"/obsession. This can result in unrelenting attention, flattery, romance....pretty much one long swoon. And then the obsession fades, and with it go the promises and sweet talk and the rose-colored glasses.

Aspies can also move very, very quickly into making a relationship permanent. Rushing into marriage is not as unusual in the Aspie population as it is among NTs. I don't know why that happens, necessarily. The Aspie husband of one of my friends proposed within weeks of their first date. Fortunately for them, my friend insisted on waiting, and they married about four years after they met. During that time, they got to know each other very well, and learned how to cope pretty effectively with his disability. Her thought on the whole "rushing into marriage" issue was that - to her husband - she was the embodiment of all the things he wanted in a wife. To his way of thinking, his search was over - she was "the one" - so why not just get married? The idea of figuring out their prospects for long-term compatibility wasn't a factor in his decision to marry. Fortunately for them, it was a factor in her's.

So...were you your husband's "special interest?" I have no way of knowing. Did he rush you into marriage without considering what your life together would be like after the wedding? Again, I have no way of knowing. I do know however, that nine months is not a long time to know each other before being married. Aspie or NT, you can pretty much bet you're still going to be in the thick of romantic love nine months into a relationship, so I just don't see how anyone can make a fully informed decision about marriage in such a short amount of time.

And now you're faced with his lack of undying loyalty and love....and his explosive, violent, physical anger. And him screaming at you to get out of his life, and holding you responsible for the actions of your ex-husband. So while he's telling you he loves you as much as ever, that's certainly not the way he acts, is it?

Hon, I'm sorry, but I think you need to face up to the situation you're in right now. What would your reaction to your husband's behavior be if he wasn't Aspie? What steps would you take to fix your marriage? What would you expect of him? I hope you put your plans to start a family with this man on indefinite hold. The additional stress of pregnancy and caring for an infant is not what either one of you needs right now (not to mention the stress that would be put on the baby). And I hope you find a good marriage counselor - one who has expertise dealing with Aspies. And mostly, I hope your husband decides to do what needs to be done to save your marriage. If he isn't inclined to tackle the character defects at the root of his bad behavior, your marriage won't be repaired. I wish you good luck, and the courage to do what needs to be done.