Broken-hearted me

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Last spring I met a handsome 41 year old man with Aspergers who courted me handsomely and treated me extremely well but told me we could never be more than friends. He did not tell me he had Aspergers, but I have a psych degree and figured it out. When I asked him about it, he stated that I was correct, but he was on the "high functioning" end of the spectrum.

He was fun, smart, logical, a fantastic problem solver...but rather obsessive once an idea got ahold of him. He had abstained from relationships for over 7 years. He told me that in every situation it was never her fault - he just lost interest. We were just friends for quite awhile and then he told me that he had changed his mind and wished to be my boyfriend. I was hesitant after the things he had told me about his former relationships but he firmly convinced me it would be different with me.

He gave me quite the rush, hushed any fears, and totally convinced me to integrate my life with his - which I did. He asked me to move in with him and it took some doing, but I did. He told me he loved me many times and I believed him. He was eccentric and odd and very regimented in his lifestyle, but I am easy going and just accepted it all.

The only area that caused me some concern was his attitude about sex, touching, sleeping together and intimacy. He would not allow us to share a bed and I had to sleep across the hall. He would not allow sex, intimacy or real touching. He seldom touched me and when he did it felt very wooden and mechanical. I did not try to force the issue. Everytime the subject came up during the time we were together he became very distant and stated there would never be a solution. I felt rejected but resolved just to live without it altogether as long as there was some basic affection expressed.

He is a fantastic person and I felt very lucky to know him. I thought we were quite happy together. There were moments where communication was difficult - and it was very hard watching some of the things that troubled him - he had terrible insomnia and could never sleep. I fall asleep really easily so it annoyed him when I would fall asleep and not be available for talking. I tried not to do it in front of him. And I tried to be supportive.

So.... it was like being kicked in the stomach yesterday when he told me that he was bored with our relationship and would no longer be my boyfriend. Just like that. No warning. I asked him what I had done wrong and he told me that I had done nothing wrong...it was just him, and there was nothing i could do about it.

i feel devastated. he does not care what i am feeling now, i cry and he just watches tv. i asked him how long he had been thinking about breaking up with me and he told me over two weeks. i had no clue. i am just blindsided. did i make a mistake letting myself love someone with this condition? He said there is no hope. Is there no hope? Am I stupid for thinking there should be some hope? I am lost, lost, lost.

Last edited by Tabekat on 05 Nov 2010, 2:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Right now he is feeling guilt, he is taking all the bad consequence and outcomes and focus all the reasons on him.

He is a fantastic problem solver, yet he did not solve his biggest problem. Solving it might require to negate everything that he is, everything that helped him survive all these years. You have revealed him to himself, you have reminded him of the world, his weaknesses, his carefully avoided doubts and questions about if what he perceive, believe, rely on is really true.

So once again, he decided to take the last resort weapon. He started to convince himself that the don't love you anymore and behave, believes that it is the case now. The self defense mechanism has started to move, connecting the dots in a convenient way to try to shield you by casting you away and try to shield him by isolating himself, and keeping the core of the thinking coherent. He knows he will deeply regret it every second of his life but yet he is succeeding to keep the consequences out.

Sadly your love does not count in the equation, emotions are so disconnected from what we build, it seems there is this huge gap. Showing your love or proving your love will not change anything. The more you will use the love argument, the more he will cast you away for what he thinks, is your own good. The problem is not about you it is about him and the rest of the world.

You said you had some hints about how he worked. Try to remember what it was and what were the implications. You will need to decipher before attempting to defuse the machine by giving him a new problem to solve. You can only solve the problem by helping him realize that there is a solution at the end of the tunnel, and that he is able to solve it without challenging himself less deeply than he thinks. Remember: your emotions are not part of the solution.

I am convinced he still loves you

Written by a 35 years old guy who had abstained from relationships for over 8 years

Better idea:

Tell him his nemesis is waiting for him on the web, and that I'm not there to solve his problems, I'm here to solve mine.

He can contact me by private message

This book is for you, OP. What if you don't give up? Is it worth it?

http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_3dc ... f6847.html

The thing about not touching, that's probably a sensory overload issue and there may be some ways to work with it, if you all ever get to a good place again.

The FUNNY thing about what the OP says is that I can see parts of the boyfriend in myself When I did do the relationship thing, I was a bit more demonstrative when it came to physical contact - until I realized that she was simply using it as manipulation. At the same time, I'm NOT a TOUCHY-FEELY kinda' person; it had to be on my terms!

When I felt that I'd had enough, I simply stopped returning her phone calls. There was no amount of ANYthing that was gonna' change my mind! Like the housekeeper on Two and a Half Men once said, I put "a WHOLE LOTTA' GONE between me and a broad like that!"

If you made a mistake, then it was probably one of mistaken expectations. I'm sure that you expected him to be for you what you were for him. In other words, you expected a genuinely "mutual" relationship in which you were equally giving partners, and in which what you had to give was similar to what he had to give. I know this is all very abstract, but you probably get what I mean. My personal experience is that what I have to contribute to a relationship is radically different than what my counterpart has to contribute. As a result, we're often at cross purposes.

Let me make this less abstract by suggesting that you probably wanted (and thought you were getting) a supportive, loving boyfriend. That's normal. It's more likely that what you were getting, however, was someone who was (at least somewhat and maybe totally) obsessed with you. We often have room in our lives for a "chosen one" like that. We honestly don't mean to hurt anyone, but when the obsession wears off, that formerly chosen one becomes like everyone else -- basically, of very little interest to us.



I don't mean to reduce you to a casual "hobby" or something like that. I'm sure that your boyfriend had very intense feelings toward you. (Feelings that may have, in fact, made you quite uncomfortable.) But, at least he's being honest in acknowledging that those feelings are gone. You're fortunate in that respect. These hobbies or obsessions or whatever you want to call them tend to just evaporate (at least for me) and they're pretty much unrecoverable.



So are we. I don't know if that makes you feel any better. I'd bet you that he'd explain everything if he could. But, it's often totally baffling -- the whole situation. T.V. (or whatever) may be providing some "grounding" relief.

When I left my wife of ten years, she was naturally devastated. But, I couldn't quite figure out why. When my therapist asked me why I was ending the marriage, I told her that I really didn't know why -- but that I'd really like to know so that I would have something to say when other people asked me the same question. How's that for lost? Believe me, at least on an intellectual level, we know that we leave devastation and destruction in our wakes. Why the "intellectual knowledge" does not connect with appropriate emotions (both in quality and quantity) is the big mystery.

Anyway, good luck in recovery. You might try to focus on the fact that, while you did love this man, you clearly were not getting from the relationship all that you wanted out of it. From your description of it, it sounds quite lacking in many respects.

Oh my!

I can't really offer much advice because I don't know him. Everyone is different. I, for example, do not recognize any of his traits in myself. I'm very much touchy feely and I don't even know what it means to get bored in a relationship. If anything, I think we all should hold onto a good thing. I can offer this:

<huuuuuuuuuugs!>

He probably still loves you. And it is probably true that his sensory issues are behind the lack of intimacy. The issues are deep deep within his 4-leaf clover brain of his. His outlook on life, and feelings toward other people, namely you, would improve dramatically if he would take care of himself: 8 hours a sleep every night, healthy diet, and exercise. Getting anyone to start down the health-nut path is hard enough. Getting someone like him may be harder still. It needs to be his idea, or he'll reject it, and shut down if you press the issue.

Sorry I wish I had more.

OP, you're not going to like what I have to say, but here goes: the problem isn't him - it's you. Why on earth would you settle for a roommate instead of a relationship? You were not this man's gf -bf/gf relationships do involve touching, physical affection and sex. If those things didn't matter to you, I could see this being a possibly reasonable relationship substitute for you. But they do matter to you, so why would you settle for a lifetime of feeling rejected?

Clearly, you accommodated him in every respect (his eccentricities his rigidty, his desire to pretend to have a relationship, etc.) - what exactly did he do for you? How did he meet your needs - by hanging out with you? By being pissed off that you're not an insomniac?


No, you made a mistake by settling for a roommate instead of a bf. IMO, his problem is not Asperger's - its that he knows he has major issues with relationships and he refuses to do anything to resolve those issues. And he very selfishly pursued a relationship with you, knowing that he had issues, and didn't care to address them.


IMO, there is no hope. Hon, he told you his relationships always failed because of him, because he got "bored." You hoped you'd be interesting enough to keep him from getting bored. Boredom, IMO, is not his problem - its a lack of willingness to resolve the issues that prompt him to destroy his relationships. There is, however, hope for YOU. Be thankful you didn't waste years with this guy - before he unceremoniously dumped you. Dry your tears, find a new place to live, and don't let yourself settle for scraps next time. You deserve the real thing - go find someone who can provide it.

This is a truly rare occasion...I disagree with @pandorazmtbox. Rudy Simone is not a trained professional (psychologist, medical doctor, neuroscientist, etc.), and has published her own conclusions/vague generalizations about Aspie men - based solely on anecdotal evidence. IMO, because of all the misinformation it contains, her book does more harm than good.

Would be easier if you split your writing into paragrahs but I have a few thoughts about your post that I ought to express.

One question I have here is, how much time did you give before you made up your mind that you'd be his girlfriend?. I ask this because from what you have said, you may have rushed into the relationship. From all of what he told you beforehand, you may have been better off just keeping him as a close friend for a while to see what he is like. You might have then seen the issues without the heartbreak.



Sex and Aspergers sometimes don't mix but I would add that only some people with the condition behave in the manner you described of this individual. Maybe he came from an upbringing where sex wasn't talked about, maybe he just never developed affection, or maybe it's because of any one of numereous other factors.

In this case, you were seeing incompatibility issues between yourself and him but compromised to the bitter end just to keep him happy. Kindness is a quality I admire but sometimes your kindness may not be rewarded. It's just life, really.



You continued to compromise the things you desired out of him (as a boyfriend) but in the end, you were never destined to hold on.



Something I have to emphasise - this is not a typical aspie relationship. That said, this guy is just one individual and that's the best way to look at him. You weren't compatible. You wanted affection but he didn't know how (or, it didn't interest him) to show it. He hasn't been interested in relationships for seven years. He would be better off with a woman who also doesn't care for sex/touching/affection. Such women are out there but he wasn't the right man for you.

Please PLEASE do not allow this experience to trip you up into believing all people on the autistic spectrum are like that individual. They are not. Asperger's Syndrome and Autism is a diverse spectrum and many autistic relationships work out well. Of course, some never develop the desire for affection but many do - although it might not come until they are a teenager or adult.

I feel sorry for you that it ended up as it did but always remember, there is much to learn from it. There's no harm in taking your time over friendships and relationships and sometimes it may not work because you're not compatible.

Hope this helps somewhat.

I'm just shocked by this disclosure, @RainingRoses. You left your wife of ten years, and you didn't know why you were leaving her? I don't really think you do know about the devastation and destruction you've caused, because I can't think of what would be worse: getting dumped after ten years of marriage, or getting dumped after ten years of marriage for no reason.

Welcome to my "shocking" world, and thanks for your comments. (I would say "concern," but it doesn't sound much like concern to me. More like moral superiority.)

I think you need to re-read my post very carefully. I never said that I dumped my wife for no reason. (Thanks, though.) What I did say was that she was devastated and that I couldn't figure out why. Why did she love me? Why did she want to be married to me? Wasn't she better off without me? She was -- why couldn't she see that? I was an active alcoholic, was as emotionally distant as one could be, and generally made both of our lives a total nightmare. If I had been married to you, you wouldn't have needed to worry about "getting dumped" -- let alone when. You would have left me long before things got anywhere close to that bad.

When I say that we understand things on an "intellectual level," I mean thought-wise, logically-speaking -- like that; and intellectually, I knew that this marriage was a disaster and an irremediable failure. It had to end before it ended us. I wish I could have ended it in some neat and tidy way, but an accurate mapping of crazy thoughts to overwhelming emotions (times two people) is not something that I'm capable of putting together.

As far as my not knowing why, the last few years of our marriage and the first couple years of our divorce were a Class 5 hurricane's worth of emotions, which was a TOTAL OVERLOAD for me. And to this day, I still cannot make sense of those emotions. I just can't sort them out. I'm sorry if you're shocked, but my ability to separate out incalculable (to me) thoughts and feelings and causes and effects and emotions, both real and imagined, was and is still not up to the job. Not such that I could organize and present them in some coherent way so that friends and family and curious onlookers could immediately "get it."

If your thoughts toward me are running to the inhuman, just know that the shame and guilt and remorse almost drove me to suicide. And it continues to torture me. My ex-wife tells me all the time to stop beating myself up over this. Our break-up was exponentially more painful than the next most painful thing I've ever experienced. But, that still doesn't cover the fact that all of this was emotionally lost on me -- a complete mystery. That word, "lost," has been used repeatedly in this thread for good reason.

I appreciate (somewhat) your attempt to set me straight on the whole devastation and destruction front. But, you seem to be laboring under a complete misunderstanding. You read what I had to say and interpreted it to mean that I have some inability to care and to feel things deeply. Quite to the contrary: what I have is an inability to make logical sense of those feelings in order to process them in a healthy manner and to thereby learn and grow from emotional experiences.

Let me make this really simple: I don't have control over this -- at least not the level of control that I (and apparently you) would like me to have. And your confusion on that score is shocking to me. That is, unless you're NT (don't know, didn't check, do you even disclose?) -- in which case your "contribution" here actually makes perfect sense to me.

Umm, I did read your post very carefully - this is exactly what you said:



So, I'm sorry, I don't see how that comment is open to interpretation. If that's not what you meant to convey, then I don't know what to tell you - cause that's what you wrote. As to your other points, I've stopped giving my attention to people who resort to insults and personal attacks and condescending BS rather than just engage in civil discourse. I told you I was shocked because I was shocked. Now I could pretty much care less.

What makes you think that I -- or, more significantly, the OP -- want you to tell me anything?


Good, so let's give this thread back to the OP who's looking for advice on her problem, not mine.

Like I said, @RainingRoses, I could care less.

I hate to derail the OP, but I must speak out...

RainingRoses, that was a very strange and a horribly cruel thing to do. You couldn't figure out why she loved you and why she was devastated? I mean... s**t who says that! She'll be better off without you in the long run.

NEVER EVER pass up a good thing.