Aspie men and (lack of) relationships - our struggles

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Equal opportunity strikes again...

I know that so many guys here are bitter. Most of us have probably complained about women at one point or another. It's certainly easier to shrug off our own issues and blame those around us. I know, I've been there before. But we wouldn't be human beings if we were perfect, and we've all had our struggles as well. I think it's time that we take responsibility for our own shortcomings, and realize that there are obstacles that most of us have to overcome in order to survive in today's society. Is it fair? No, it isn't. But using that as an excuse to blame others isn't the right thing to do. It might be the easy thing to do, but it doesn't make it right.

Please, share your experiences of those things that have been difficult for you. Women are welcome to comment as well, but I want to try and deal with some of the issues many men here have been having, and as such want to focus on them... One thing that is not welcome in this thread is the disparaging of women (or men) or any blame games, only talk about yourself (unless responding specifically to someone else's post).

In my personal experience, I have a hard time with decision making. The decisions I make in the heat of the moment are notoriously unreliable, and I've learned to not trust them. Between that and not being able to innately understand what other people are thinking (the whole "theory of mind" thing common among many autistics), I've learned to pretty much second-guess myself on just about everything I do. Maybe that has something to do with my inability to feel self-worth, maybe it doesn't. But it's definitely most paralyzing for me. On the rare occasion that I see a nice, friendly woman around, I want to just go over and say hi or something. But my brain restricts me. What if i'm greeted with an immediate mace spray to the face? What if I come off as incredibly creepy? All these things are valid concerns, but my brain keeps me restrained because such restraining on split-second decision making has also served me quite well in avoiding embarrassing situations as well. I literally can't do anything because of it, and by the time I can move, the opportunity is lost.

Someone who agrees! Identifying the problems that we have is only useful if we then use that knowledge to fix the problem. The world will not change to accommodate us, so we must accommodate to it. Wallowing in self-pity accomplishes nothing and is simply pathetic.



I have a similar problem, except that it manifests in different ways. I have to think through a lot of what I'm doing, because I can't "just understand it" as what seems to happen with NTs.
One thing that happens is (as far as I understand) I've developed a series of subconscious rules and alarms that allow me to navigate social situations. This has worked - I form friendships relatively easily, but I have trouble taking it further.
So, take my current (first) relationship: Second date, I wanted to hold her hand, but was afraid. I have no system or rules for dealing with holding hands (and other physical signs of affection for that matter), so alarm bells are in overdrive. She wants me to - but of course, it would all just be too simple if we could just have this conversation and be done with it (actually, I've tried to do this. It never seems to work - nothing changes). Anyway, I figure I should just be slow, and if anything happens I can pull out. Anyway, as I said alarm bells were in overdrive. She mentioned something about it, and I got spooked. After this, everything sort of went on hold until our end of year exams are done (which is soon), so I'm hoping to get all of this crap straightened out.

In short, I don't know how to show affection, so when I try to I get paranoid. I then pull out, and at one stage left her wondering if I still liked her.

What can/have I learned from this? My biggest problem is playing things to safe. I stick to what I know, and miss so much if I could just take risks.

How can I work on this? Just. F***ing. Do. It. As hard as it is, the biggest challenge is overcoming the initial hurdle, much like skydiving or bungee jumping - being able to step over the edge. If I can do that, then my problem is solved - not to say that another won't spring up, but we can only deal with things as they arise.

Have I managed to do it yet? Nope. But I have every intention of getting though/over this. If I fail, all I can do is brush myself off and try again.

I'd like to encourage anyone else sharing here to answer the "What can I learn" and "How can I improve/solve" questions. It might help keep this as a positive thread where we can acknowledge our problems, but avoid creating another "woe is me" post that is all to common on here.

Yes I can completely relate to the second-guessing problem. I feel like I don't have an instinct anymore, because I have learned not to trust it. Gotten into too many bad situations and said too many wrong words. My instinct now is just not say anything unless I am really sure.

I also feel really weird and uncomfortable around girls. On some days, a really gorgeous girl makes me feel bitter and depressed. If I am feeling good that day, it seems I can make a good impression and act very casual and calm. But once the time comes for the next meet up or the hang out/date, I feel like there is some logical line of steps in which I need to go through and I just get stuck very quickly.

Another problem is that I don't get out enough. It is so easy for anyone to tell me to get out there and join clubs and this and that, but it really isn't that easy. When you are not used to interacting with people all the time, when you have a very limited social network, and you are a borderline recluse like me, It seems like the only way is to COMPLETELY REINVENT Myself. I can't tell you how stratospheric that goal seems to me.

The times before when girls tried to make the first move on me as in showing obvious interest, I just felt paralysed and didn't know what to do. I felt a bit scared, so I did the only thing that made sense and I just shut them out. That's all I have ever known. I really regret those few times because instances like that don't come by again.

But really though.... now I have nothing going for me. Literally nothing, no school, no work, no sleep, no confidence. Now I have to dig myself out of an even bigger grave because I am farther behind and in debt.

The 1st step always seems the hardest, and yet it seems like I have been just before the 1st step my whole life, and it has really doubting I can ever get past it.

It's not just aspies who are frustrated with women, men in general are. It's that women have too much power, and there are too many deluded man hating women. See: http://www.the-spearhead.com

Women are the choosers and since there are no morals and sluts are not shamed anymore women just move from guy to guy when they get bored, both men and women tend to be less committed to one another these days but most divorces are initiated by women.

But lets face it... most human beings are not very bright and very immature, and since most people are not very moral or ethical it's par for the course in this decadent age.

^I thought I said no blame games...

gawd.....you're asking me to open a 40ft container of worms.

I never noticed that before, but your post prompted me to look at yesterday's docket, and 4 of the 5 divorces on it had the wife's name first.

Thank God we still have moral and ethical men like Zakfiend to keep the world from falling apart. Heaven knows we can't go wrong with righteous and mature men who refer to women as "sluts."

I have lots of problems when it comes to getting a relationship. I believe that my partner should be my best friend but being friends gets me in the friend-zone from which I never move up from. I'm a caring person when it comes to friends & individuals; I'm very protective & when someone I like or care about is having a problem; I do what I can to try to help em & I tend to get taken advantage of. Women would rather come to me to talk about the guys they like & how they wished they could find a great guy like me but they never have any intention of giving me a chance to be more.

I do not conform to the gender stereotype for guys; I'm a lesbian with a man's body. I hate sports, I'm sensitive, I'm the opposite of aggressive, I like pop music & love songs, I occasionally watch movies on LifeTime, I'm sort of a borderline asexual & I don't talk about sex like most guys do, & I say stuff that doesn't sound rite. I also tend to get along better with lesbians but I do not realize that they are lesbians. When I try asking women out they get really weirded out because they thought I was gay or they were gay.

Unlike some Aspies; I'm NOT an intellectual. I've struggled in most of my classes in school; I've been diagnosed as being dyslexic & ADHD sense I started school. I get things confused sometimes & I also have a very immature & stupid sense of humor so people may think I'm mentally retorted; I feel like I am to.

I have a vision disorder that I was born with & I'm very nearsighted & have some colorblindness & I can not drive because of it. I live in a rural area with no public transportation available so that makes me dependent on others & I don't get out much. It also makes it very hard for me to find a job. I'm on disability & haven't worked in two years thou I am trying & putting in apps. Some women want a guy who can take care of them financially & some think that I'm a lazy welfare leach.

I'm very dependent & kind of needy, clingy, pessimistic, cynical, negative ect; I like women who are the same way but unfortunately most women seem to want guys who are the opposite way from me.

I do not have an attractive appearance; I'm kind of overweight, I have acne scars on my face, I have scars on my upper arm from slashing myself 7 years ago, & I'm losing my hair on my head but have hair everywhere else. I also do not express emotions the correct way or show em at the rite times. My eyes look odd like I'm stoned or they have some very creepy look in em; I think it might could be related to my vision disorder because lighting conditions affect my vision a lot & I squint & stuff sometimes. I'm also very immature in some ways & I have some immature interest & I like pop music & in some ways I feel I connect better with younger people. Because of all that stuff & my creepy looks; I think I may have a child-molester vibe or a serial-killer one.

I have been trying to work on myself but my options are extremely limited rite now. it's kind of hard for me to gain independence skills because of the area I live in but I cant move because I don't have a job or the skills; it's a f#cking catch22. I do put in jobs apps whenever I think of a place that has something I might could do but I almost never even get a call about an interview. I do NOT think it is possible for me to ever be completely independent like most people. I think I have a lot of great qualities but unfortunately lots of women don't seem to be interested in things like loyalty, devotion, commitment, respect, friendship, affection, support, caring, being put 1st ect. I would not mind being with a woman who has problems or issues herself. I can defiantly relate & I think we could help each other. Does anyone know where I can meet women who are blind, codependent or mentally retorted or something I could probably relate to em better than most people & it's possible they would be more appreciative of a guy like me.
I am slowly losing weight thou

Last edited by nick007 on 04 Nov 2010, 9:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

Message deleted.

Last edited by samtoo on 04 Nov 2010, 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh boy, here we go again. I have a feeling this thread is gonna be locked....

So every other thread in L&D wasn't enough, you had to make another thread just because Hyperlexian made one specifically for women. I'm starting to side with some of the women on here when it comes to the behaviour of some of the more vocal men in this subforum.

Masculism is mostly a reaction to the changing roles of men in society and it has nothing to do with men's success in dating.



Nonsense. First of all, why should women who sleep around be considered immoral and shamed as sluts when there are no similar standards for men? Secondly, doing away with this double standard does not mean that women are likely to cheat any more than men.

"BOOOhOOo , I am Lecks , the White Knight Of WP who defends women against any potential bad talk against women ,diiiie TOS"



Oh ....wait , your white knighthood was totally uncalled for here.


In fact, this thread is unique. TOS is asking men to talk about their flaws that making them fail in dating instead of blaming their failure on others. So far , things are going well except Zak's post, which is so tiny and can be deleted in a click.

Do no lock it, mods. If you want to lock this one then you have to lock the other one to be fair.

I was thinkign the same stuff but you beat me to the post Boo

That was precisely my intention. A little more introspection and a little less dickery would go a long way towards healing the gaping rift in L&D along gender lines... and that applies to both genders (though by far it applies more to a good deal of the guys here)...