Pressure to have a relationship

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Does anyone else feel pressured by either family members or society to get into a romantic relationship?

I am 21 years old, and I have never been in a romantic relationship of any kind. Not even a date. I do not think I'm very attractive, so that may have something to do with it, but thinking back, I can realize now (with the help of others) that there were some guys who seemed to like me. The problem was that I was so oblivious that the thought never even crossed my mind.

I do not understand my own emotions, and I do not ever feel instantly attracted to anyone. The only times that I have ever felt like I would want to get into a relationship was when I intellectually reflected on a person and a situation and realized that, intellectually, they would be a good person for me to be involved with. Sometimes the feelings will follow that decision, sometimes not. But since I never really know how I feel about someone, I have never followed through with those feelings.

I bring this all up because I was talking to my cousin on the phone yesterday, and she asked me about a guy I am currently living with. I told her before that I thought I might like him, and she interpreted that as a definite crush. She does not understand how my emotions work, and when I tried to explain to her, she did not seem to get it. Anyway, she said I must like him even more now that I live with him. To be honest, I now do not know how I feel about him. I know he likes another girl, and so I haven't thought about him much since I found that out. I pushed it out of my mind. But my cousin insisted that I must like him more now, and said "You can be honest with me, you like him a lot, don't you!" and kept pushing me to try to talk to him about my feelings. I felt like a liar during this conversation, because I was trying to avoid answering her questions since I did not know how.

My emotions are like strangers to me. Does anyone else feel this way? And do you also get pressured to show emotion or get into relationships?

I've never really had that pressure- I got together with Dunc when I was 17 and we've been together ever since.

However before I met him I felt like I should have had a boyfriend and the only time I sort of had one I freaked out so much (I hated all the people at school suddenly paying attention to me and asking me questions). I just couldn't cope and wouldn't even take his phone calls.

definately- i have a mate who is always going on abouts boys and how she needs a boyfriend and hates being single and she makes me (and my other mates) feel odd for not desparately wanting a relationship. Id certainly like a relationship at some point but im not going to go out with just anyone for the sake of it, Im young and free and I dont need to have a boyfriend to survive but some people just dont seem to get it.

The sort of pressure that you describe is apparently quite normal in our society. People are expected to settle into relationships with others at a relatively early age, and women are expected to settle down at an earlier age than men are. This is largely because women are expected to pair with men who are somewhat older than they are on average.

That said, these expectations are violated by so many people that you won't be considered terribly unusual if you don't adhere to them. If you don't feel ready to enter into a relationship or can't find anyone who you feel compatible with, you're better off waiting until you're more comfortable with the idea. Don't feel compelled to enter into a relationship with someone solely to satisfy the expectations of others, as such a relationship is likely to backfire and cause pain to those involved.




I was 23 when I entered into the only relationship I've ever been in. I would be better off now if that relationship had never occurred. I dislike the concept of dating, so I've never gone down that road, either.

Frankly, it is somewhat unusual for neurotypical people to go as long as we have without ever being involved in a relationship. However, this sort of delay is much more common among people with Asperger's Syndrome, for various reasons. For me, a few of the reasons include an almost complete lack of involvement in social situations, an inability to identify potential mates who are even somewhat compatible with me, and my awkward social demeanor, which many women seem to find extraordinarily unattractive.



This seems rational to me. Despite the fact that I am "instantly" physically attracted to women, I would never consider pursuing a relationship with a woman based on this shallow form of attraction. Intellectual attraction and compatibility are far more important elements to forging a meaningful relationship with a person.

My ex-girlfriend actually complained to me about the fact that I had logically "decided" to be in love with her. She said that I could just as easily "decide" not to be in love with her at a moment's notice.

When I asked her why she loved me, she said "It was just there." I explained to her at the time that she should be more comfortable with my decision than I was with hers, since logical reasons are a sound basis for a decision, whereas emotion is fickle and often irrational.

It turns out that I was correct, as her love for me mysteriously vanished several months after the relationship began. Oddly enough, this was of little consolation to me at the time.

I don't feel pressured into having a relationship. I've had one and it's not what I want.

I do however feel like there is something wrong with me because people always seem to want to be in relationships and totally devoted and head over heels, and wanting to be with the person all the time.

I'd rather not get emotionally involved with a guy, but it really depends on what the guy is like. I haven't had enough experience to know for sure.

I have huge ambitions, hopes and dreams, I don't want to settle down with someone when i'm this young. I may not want a serious relationship until my mid thirties, or even ever.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 28 Dec 2004, 6:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have similar problems Civet. I no clue when a women is flirting or hitting on me. Every once in while, I get this feeling maybe one was, but I never know for sure. If I am with an NT relative, they will often say, after the lady is out of sight, "Why didn't you do anything?" as I would know she was interested in me without her saying so. I have not been on many dates and they are few and far between. Sometimes I wholly screw it up. For example, once before a date one of my parents mentioned something the girl and I both liked. The whole date that was all I had on my mind and when I tried to get her that something and she rejected it, I became confused as I expected her to want it since it was mentioned she liked it. I thought was I given bad information, did she not like me already, or did she suddenly change this characteristic or what. It got worse, because I kept asking her over and over again the whole date if she wanted, I just could not get it off my mind. Mainly, I suppose, because it was a totally unexpected reaction. Another time I doubled with an NT. He told me about half through this date that she wanted me to hold her hand. I was clueless. He told me to reach out my hand. I did and she grabbed it. I found it strange behavior. For one thing, how in the world did he know, for another, why would she want to do that? The date was not a disaster, but the fact that I had to be prompted was the kicker. I have had a woman invite to her place after she gave me lift to and from a off campus class. Whether or not this meant anything I have no Idea. At the time I simply thought pretty nice place and I was amazed she could already afford one (albeit with a woman roommate). I actually find it easier to talk to women, they are generally nicer anyway, but if I am even remotely attracted to them, then I have problems. I know you could say pretend I am not, but that I doubt I could or will ever succeed at that. I think short of a Sadie Hawkins thing, or a grossly off balance ratio of men to women with women being the greater number, that I would have a successful relationship/interaction with a female. Incidentally, how come it seems like the few women who also have this or know someone who have this (and therefore more understanding of the condition) are all so spread out. So far it still does not seem like very many people even have this in my city or the whole region around it.

Your not alone. I'm trying to go out with the beautiful girl.

I think you may have missed the topic on this thread LGB.

Could you limit the discussion of your approach to the girl from work to that thread please so people can discuss other issues?

dunc

I definately miss all the cues, atleast that is what I have been told. Then when I think a guy I like might be interested, I am afraid to persue it because I am not sure if I am correct.

I saw my therapist today and he went over about how to treat people. He said people react different depending how you treat them. He said sometimes we treat people as a object when we are mad, or in a hurry. My other doc "Phychatrist" though seems a little concerned that I have never had a relationship with a female before. I mean all because I dont have a gf does not mean Im gay He says that I should go out and meet people and find a hobby or join a club. I mean I like women of course but Im too nervous around one when I see one I find attractive and cant never really open up. Example in HS when I was like 16 I was sitting on a bench and out of nowhere this beautiful girl comes up to me sits next to me and ask what my name was. I told her of course, but I was too nervous to read her and react. She just said nice to meet you and walked away I will admit after talking to the girl at work, and asking her out I dont feelk as nervous now. Which I think has helped me, and could help me in the future. My mom also told my Therapist today that I never open up and she also says that she would give me advice on girls. I mean shes my mom! Shes like the last person I want to ask regarding a relationship Im worried if that girl from work calls me at my house I'll feel embarressed cause my mom will start nagging on me about stuff. She says I never clean my room or bathroom and if a girl comes over she would think its gross and would walk out. My therapist said I need to learn how to wash, and need to clean my own stuff at my age. When my head doc and I talked last time about it I told him that there are a couple cute chicks where I work and he said works alright but he said there is risk with sexual harrasment, ect. He said places like school are better to meet girls.

By someone saying that you have to get a hobby or whatever is stupid. It is generic and simple. I've heard that before many times. Some people mean well but they just don't say it like it should be said. The bottom line is you have to start accomplishing things, anything, from simple to great. The sense of accomplishment breeds confidence. AS grants us all kinds of great abilities but for many it robs us of others.

You have to learn to be more independant. You have to take the time to learn how to do something completely and then you will be proud. A hobby is a good start. I am involved with restoring and showing classic snowmobiles. I restore them and take them out to shows. People are impressed by my knowlege of them. It makes me feel good.

I have always been a good artist and never really gave much thought into believing that people like that about me. Recently I have been more open about showing my pictures off and people really love them.
I have suffered from poor style in the past. I did the work to ask my sisters and all kinds of people around me how I should dress. They helped me and I worked hard to improve my image. It makes me feel really good. My family told me that I was a slob so I took some of their advice on how to improve. Now that I keep things a bit tidier it feels really good to look at all the work I did!

The most important thing that I have learned has little to do with me though. I have learned to start helping other people in many ways. Listening to people and showing them that I have actually taken in what they say has been my greatest change. I was once like you. I ignored advice probably because I was too hurt and stubborn to see it at the time.

Dr. Phil did a show on freeloaders. Here is one guy 28 and still never had a gf. Here is Dr Phil.

There are men that don't find the right women till in their 30's and 40's, it's not that big of a deal and if a psychiatrist/psychologist is saying it is, go find a new one, the more important thing to learn is how to deal with people whether you have AS or ADHD.

iwish it were just society/other people putting pressure on me, cos i could ignore, or even subvert that, contrary cow that i am. unfortunately, all the pressure on me to have a relationship comes from me. nightmare.

What about showing my Mustang off for her? Would that impress her?

I think it's likely best to leave her alone for a while LGB, and let her decide if she wants to pursue a friendship further. Cars don't impress all women. Nor do guys that won't leave them alone.