Vowed Celibacy Until I Met Someone, Now Has a b/f...HELP!

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Background: I am diagnosed male AS with GAD and social phobia. I also am a compulsive hoarder. But overall, I am comfortable with myself and have come to terms with who I am as an individual.

I have vowed celibacy since the age of 17, and since then, I have had no problem sticking to this course. I have come to terms with the likelihood that I would not meet someone who truly understands me, which is fine, as I know that I can be happy on my own. I have never actively sought anyone out in my life.

About a year ago, I started playing poker as a primary source of income, a profession that is dominated by males, allowing me to focus on nothing more than optimal play and improving myself. I have been able to shield myself from interacting with others (because let's face it, social skills aren't exactly my strong suit ) and have been carving myself out a nice little life.

I began to take notice of a female who regularly plays with us, and I never really paid her any special attention--she is very cute and friendly, but I saw her as nothing more than someone else to compete against, and I did not think that she really even noticed my existence, which was fine with me.

One day, she asked if I wanted to grab a bite after playing all night, and I panicked and refused. She then asked me again about a week later, and I reluctantly accepted...and this is where I made my big mistake, I actually got to know her as a person.

Although on the outside she appears to be this pretty, popular girl, she also had a similar background as myself, someone who graduated at the top of the class but chose to play poker due to an inability to cope with the standard work environment. She is also OCD and likes a lot of the same things that I do. She also grilled me about all kinds of things, including my family life, opinions on health issues, etc.

And like an idiot, I did my best to ignore her and not pay her any special attention

About a month ago, she became involved in a relationship with a true NT, and I see her acting out of character and a little bit confused. Moreso, it allowed me to discover that for the first time in my life, I actually have feelings for someone. I have no idea what to do now that she has a boyfriend, and sadly, I find it incredibly difficult to go back to being the happy celibate that I once was.

Did I blow a big opportunity? Is there still a way for me to cope with this? Any advice is more than appreciated...I never quite expected myself to ever be put in this situation.

There's no point beating yourself up about this, it will only get you down.

Been there, done that. I pined over a guy for a long time. Don't torture yourself like I did. I used my vow of celibacy until marriage as an excuse to hide behind, so that if he rejected me I could say that our perspectives on such things didn't fit together and comfort myself that way. So that I would feel like he didn't reject me, he rejected my way of life.
That proved little comfort in the long run and I did beat myself up over the missed opportunity. That was a few years ago now and I think I'm over it, almost. I still miss him. We keep in touch as friends though.

I find the nuances of how I'm meant to behave toward someone I have feelings for very hard to adjust to. I trundle along in my little routine and then don't realise I've missed something till the person is gone. I find it difficult to re-adjust my routine and fit someone else into it. If you've been going along expecting to be alone, it's probably just the natural thing to keep behaving that way and let someone slip by simply because you were going about your life the way you always do. This is something that happens to alot of people I think.

I have to agree with the above poster. You need to quit beating yourself up. It's natural that you would develop feelings for someone you're attracted to. It may happen again. I do know the feeling and have encountered it many times. Being friends with someone you have feelings for isn't easy. A vow of celibacy may be a vow but it's no cure unless you lean naturally toward asexuality.

You can't do anything while she has this boyfriend. You don't have any way of knowing what would have been.
However this has shown that you are able to find women you can get on with which is a positive and shown that you have interest in women and possibly breaking celibacy. To keep some perspective there are lots of women with SAD and other similar things-I am one! I have found a husband and had 1 other relationship for 18 months.
It may be painful but you will get over it eventually. It is hard if relationships are a big deal to you e.g. AS and SAD compared to someone who is a lot more social.

People come and go. This is something that you will have to learn to deal with. It is confusing and even hurtful but I like to imagine it not being easy for anyone and this makes me feel better about the sting.

I used to have a nasty tendency, if not a habit, of stealing girlfriends. That's how I met my wife, actually... On two occasions, I never meant to split up the relationships, but one of those was a bad situation to begin with. I'd been active in a certain fraternity that this guy was determined to pledge. So his gf one night fessed up to making out with me and felt the relationship was in trouble regardless. He just let it go because he didn't see it going anywhere, anyway, and he absolutely refused to let anything come between himself and getting my vote for initiation. I never mentioned it, of course, and she ended up happier elsewhere; and I'd never had any intention of anything long-term in the first place, but both of us were just going a pretty rough time.

Looking back on it, it's a dirty thing to do though in some cases it can be utterly unavoidable. Point is, you don't have to think that just because someone IS in a relationship that there is nothing you can do. If you wanted to go that route, though, the best tools you have on your side is time and patience. The "honeymoon" of new relationships usually soon wears off and people become bored with each other. The more one or the other feels threatened, the more they feel either defensive/possessive in regards to their mate, or the more helpless they feel, making them vulnerable. A person who feels that way is "no longer the person [someone] met" because they act differently towards their mate, sometimes in ugly ways. A split-up past that point is not far off. And this is something I've really had to take to heart now that I'm nearly 10 years older since then. I tend to get along better with women than men, and when I need to work closely with a woman I keep ongoing contact to a bare minimum in order to avoid rousing the suspicions and wrath of her husband. It often happens that honorable intentions are irrelevant, and part of respecting the relationships of others involves maintaining distance. The trouble is it's up to you to decide whether to respect those boundaries or not.

In your case, I wouldn't bother trying to get her back. You had intended to remain celibate. I think it would do YOU more good to go back to the idea of being celibate. HOWEVER, girls will always come and go. Just remember the lessons you've learned in THIS situation, that this girl is someone you highly desired and have to forget about. Remember that, and when the next girl comes along that you feel this way for, don't let her get away!

That was no mistake, that was your wake up call: you have more in common with other people than you think.

Get to know more people and you'll find others like her. There's no use pining over someone who is involved with another person - or for that matter, in pining over someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. But there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

As for celibacy, it's not for everyone. It sounds like you've realized it's not for you either. Keeping the vow will do more harm than renouncing it.

I appreciate the replies.

Given what I do for a living, I see very few females who I share interests with, and because I strongly dislike interacting with people, I do not really have many opportunities. In fact, I see so few who are not the wives/girlfriends of other players that I thought keeping my vow would be quite easy.

I do not get to know people, she got to know me. And if it weren't for her wanting to get to know me, I would probably not know anything about her.

It is difficult to explain, but I would not really describe it so much as "pining" for her as much as believing that this meeting did not happen by chance. Her relationship is already in a troubled state, they have been going out for about 2 months (I initially said 1, but I was incorrect), with 1 week in between because they "broke up and got back together". Now all they do is spend every waking moment together...does not really sound like anything that will go the distance.

I guess this entire situation just has me confused. I am not going to ever really "look" for someone nor do I really have the opportunity to have many chance encounters. Forgetting about her would likely mean that I would continue on as I am, content with my independence. But I will admit to never really wanting to get to know another female on such a personal level before this, and I am not sure if I should act on my feelings if and when she becomes available again.

If someone else comes along, awesome. But I am not going to look. Never have, and likely never will.

Words of wisdom that strike a chord with my thought process. My routine and dedication to my craft I value above all else.

Tell her how you feel about her.
She asked you out...twice...showed an interested in you and your life, and shares many similarities.
Maybe she's only with him because she felt like you didn't feel the same way.

Although I'm not sure what that has to do with your vow of celibacy-
do you think sex and dating are synonymous?

I believe that is what I am going to do unless:

--They never break up and go the distance (they already have once, I am assigning a low probability here)
--Someone else finds me in the meantime (low probability here, too)

I am not nervous nor have inferiority complex or anything like that. I will admit to not only showing a lack of interest, but also telling her friends that I had no interest in her when they asked out of the blue one day.

Sex and dating are not synonymous, but dating and sacrifice are. I know that for the first time in a long time, I am happy with the state of my life...I do not wish to do something that puts it in peril.

You don't do anything. She has a boyfriend so there is nothing for you to do. You could have asked her out before she got a boyfriend but you didn't, and she could have said no even if you did.

I would like to point out something though. You fell for what you have implied is essentially the first girl you have gotten close enough to to get to know, and you only realized this after you couldn't have her.

Could it be that perhaps you only want her because now you can't have her?

The odds of a person falling for the first person they get close to is actually pretty small and indicates that you might just be a person who will fall for a large number of girls should you be able to get close to them socially.