So I got a girl's phone number, now I need some advice...

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The other day I was in a coffee shop, and I saw a girl sitting by herself, reading a book I had read. I read these forums and other online advice enough to recognize that this was a textbook situation in which to start a conversation with a girl. And she was cute. So somehow, I finally managed to overcome my shyness/social anxiety and go talk to her. I was nervous at first, but I quickly found that it was actually not that difficult to talk to her.

We talked for 15 minutes or so about random small talk type stuff, the book she was reading, where she goes to school, what shes studying, etc (we're both in college). I got a bit nervous again when it came time to end the conversation, and I knew I had to ask her out or ask for her number. I asked if she wanted to hang out some time, she thought about it for a second or 2 and said yes ( ) so I asked if I could have her number and said I'd call sometime.

My main concern is whether, in the coffee shop, I should have been clear that I wanted a 'date,' not just to hang out. And more importantly, whether I should be clear on that when I call her, which I will do sometime in the next couple days. I have heard arguments both ways. Unfortunately, that day in the coffee shop I couldn't remember what the consensus was on whether to be explicit about it being a date.

I will say that I, personally, very much want it to be a date, not 'just hanging out.' Like many guys on here, I have never been on a date before, never kissed a girl, etc. So of course, I am very anxious to finally know what its like to cuddle, kiss, make out, or even just put my arm around a girl. I guess my goal for now would be to make it far enough with her to have my first kiss (a laughably easy goal for an NT college guy, but its been very hard for me just to make it this far LOL). But I don't want to scare her away by moving to fast on that. I would be willing to tolerate 'just hanging out' a few times if it improves my long term chances with her.

I have also heard it is sometimes better to hang out together with a group of friends first. Unfortunately, I have few friends, and only one close friend. Myself, I usually do better one on one than in a group. In a group, I tend to just let others do the talking. But there is the question of what to do/say if she suggests on the phone that we should hang out together with a larger group of her or my friends. Its probably not a good idea to just tell her I have no friends lol, she might think I am unsociable. I know I should have taken the time to get more regular/platonic friends before trying to get a girlfriend, but the opportunity presented itself in the coffee shop.

Another issue. She mentioned in conversation that she has a car, I think. I don't. Should I be clear on the phone that she has to drive or pick me up? Or should I use a taxi? Or suggest that we both use public transit (subway/buses)? I know the guy is traditionally supposed to drive the girl around. I can afford to rent a car for $50, if that would help. Or maybe it would look like I was trying too hard, by spending $50 just to avoid the embarrassment of not having a car. Thoughts?

Wow, I am just now realizing there is soooo much I don't know.

When I call her, I have to arrange the date of course. Dinner and a movie? Obviously, I should take her somewhere nicer than McDonalds. But probably not the most expensive Italian restaurant in the city either, though I could afford it (once) if it would help. Whats the right balance for a first date? Assuming I have to choose a restaurant before calling her. Movies? I don't mind sitting through a sappy romance movie if it means I might finally get to kiss a girl. Small price to pay. But I should probably first suggest an action movie, and when she rejects that, agree that we can see what she wants to?

There are plenty of other issues too, like how formally should I dress, but I won't worry about that until after I call her. After all, she may change her mind anyway.

Anyway, I would really appreciate all the advice you guys can offer. I have never got a girl's phone number before and I don't want to mess this up. Then again, I am also aware that i should not put too much pressure on myself, and should try to remain calm and confident.

Thanks guys!

Sounds like you have the right ideas - I would personally drive her, unless you lived in New York or San Francisco. Also, be yourself but try to keep our Aspie tendencies in check. If you guys make it beyond the first stage you should let her know about your AS.

asking a random girl you just met if she wants to hang out is a pretty clear indication that you don't mean "just as friends."

I would dress nicely, but not too formally. A polo shirt with khaki pants, and some nice shoes, would be fine.

Agreed. She may want to bring along her friends at first to make sure you arent some sort of creep but I think your intentions were pretty clear.

That's awesome! I was hoping I somehow hinted at this. I hope it was within societal norms for me to ask her 15 minutes after meeting her, without getting to know her better first. But if I didn't, I may never have saw her again.

Now, about this phone call. I actually met her a few days ago, so I figure I better call her tomorrow. Exactly how much do I have to have planned out for this first call? Do I have to tell her which restaurant we will be going to? Which movie or bowling alley or museum? Do I have to make transportation arrangements when I call her tomorrow? Or can I say I'll call her back the day of the date to arrange a place to meet up? If I have to know all of that, that's a lot of planning to do by tomorrow night.

I was pleased with how calm and confident I was in the coffee shop, but I am a bit nervous about this phone call. I have started to realize that I have never done this before, and I really don't know what I'm doing. This is new territory for me. I guess I'm hoping she likes me enough to ignore any stupid mistakes I may make. My conversational skills aren't that bad, if I can just work up the courage to talk to someone in the first place.

And just to be clear, when I call her, should I make it explicitly clear I intend it as a date? Eg, use the word 'date'? Just in case she didn't get that from my behavior in the coffee shop?



How about Boston? A lot of college students here don't have cars, we get around on the subway/buses and bikes. The fact that she has a car is actually fairly unusual. But still, I don't like the idea of having to ask her to pick me up. The guy is supposed to pick up the girl, I think. But it also seems stupid to pay $40-$50 for a rental car when she owns a perfectly good car. Perhaps the best thing to do is to ask her to meet me at a restaurant, and then we can decide how to travel from there, either her car or public transit or walking?

Thanks again guys!

I'd say wait at least 2 days until after you first met her before you call her. If you call too soon, she'll think you're desperate. If you wait too long, she'll think you're not interested. When you call her, just play it cool, be yourself, and ask her casually if she'd like to have coffee with you, or lunch, or something. For the first date, I would do something casual, like a light lunch or coffee, and, if all goes well, try something a little more formal (dinner and a movie, or something) for the second date. Just don't go overboard, or you'll go broke quickly (it's happened to me)!

Most importantly, have fun!

Its already been 3 days (met her Saturday) so I had better call her tomorrow.



Ah, interesting. That changes things. I guess I have always thought of the first date as dinner and a movie, on a Friday or Saturday night. But a light lunch or coffee (coffee around lunch time? what is typical?) would be a lot easier, and involve a lot less planning. Like lunch on a weekend? Or any day of the week? Or just ask when she is free?

That's cool. Sounds like significantly less pressure. Don't have to worry about choosing a movie we both like. Don't have to worry as much about finding a restaurant with the right level of price (not McDonalds but not a super expensive French restaurant either). I like this idea. Maybe we could even just meet in the coffee shop I met her in. Or maybe I should find someplace a bit more upscale. And it should be pretty clear that 2 people meeting for coffee is intended as a 'date,' so I shouldn't have to worry about that, right? Anyway thanks for the suggestion.

Oh, and this might sound stupid, but is a more casual date like this less likely to end in a kiss? Like in the traditional dates you see in the movies? Having never been on a date or had a relationship before, I have been rather looking forward to that physical intimacy part. Can't wait to know what that feels like . Then again, better not get my hopes up to much, she hasn't said yes yet lol.

Well, I'm old enough to be your mom, but I've been on plenty of first dates (plus I have twin daughters your age), so hopefully I have something meaningful to add ...

This is a good idea. You're still getting to know each other. A big formal date puts more pressure on both of you. If it was me, I'd want you to take me somewhere relaxed, so we can talk.



It would be better if you pick a day. If she can't make it that day, she should suggest an alternative, but if she doesn't, then you should. Give her the option, but you lead the way. As far as the time of day, I would say mid-to-late afternoon. The later in the day (and into the evening), the more "formal" it becomes.

The original coffee shop is fine, if it's a nice one. I don't see a problem with walking her there. Or public transit, if that's the norm in your city (I believe you said Boston?). I wouldn't bother renting a car. It probably won't impress her much anyway, and then what do you do on your next date? But don't ask her to meet you there. That makes it sound like an internet date, where she has to make sure you're not a psychopath or something.



I know you're eager for it, and I don't blame you, but it's best not to think about it too much. It depends on how the date has gone to that point. You don't want to just spring a kiss on her if the entire date has been completely platonic. That's kinda creepy, so you want to establish before that point that touching is ok.

Take your cue from her. Did she take your arm as you were walking? Did she lean close to you during the conversation? Did you talk about personal things in your lives? Did she touch you at all? If the date went well and you had a nice time together, a kiss is perfectly reasonable, but don't make a big production out of it. I don't think you mentioned where she lives. Her own apartment? With a roommate? If she wants to take it further, she'll ask you to come inside. But even if she doesn't, if she lingers at the door, that's your invitation. If she wants you to kiss her, she'll give you plenty of opportunity.

But don't worry too much about it if she doesn't. Some girls just prefer to move slower. You should take the lead, but don't try to push her.

It sounds like you really like this girl and so I'm assuming with all this that you'd like to start something with her, as opposed to just getting laid. So the important thing is to take things slow and don't worry too much about what you "should" be doing. If she's a quality person, she'll understand that you're inexperienced and all, and she'll adjust to you.

Good luck!

I have classes on weekday afternoons, and she probably does as well. Would like Saturday or Sunday afternoon at coffee shop by ok? Or a light lunch?



I actually don't know where she lives, it could be quite far from the the coffee shop we met in, since she has a car. All I know is she lives in the Boston area. I guess I could ask her on the phone, then quickly put her address into google maps, and if its close to a coffee shop I know of, then I can meet her at her apartment and walk her there.



I guess. but this would have been simpler logistically. This would all be easier to plan if I had asked where she lives when I met her, but I wasn't thinking quite that clearly.

Yay!



No! Do not be clear that you want this to be a date and not just hanging out. You already said "do you want to hang out sometime?" and if you try to morph that into "this is a date, not hanging out" she will wonder what exactly you are expecting from her besides her company. Don't make her regret giving you her phone number by pressuring her.



If she wants to just spend time with you ("hang out") then that is what it will be. If you insist that she has agreed to a date and therefore you get to kiss, cuddle or anything else physical you are putting too much pressure on her.



Would you be able to hang out with her friends if that's what she wants? If she says, "me and 3 other friends are going to see a movie, want to come?" would you be able to say yes? If not, you may have to say "I'd prefer it was just the two of us". This may be ok with her or it may be a dealbreaker. There is no way to know unless the situation comes up.



Renting a car just for that night might look like trying too hard. And it would be ungodly expensive if you do it more than once or twice. Since you say "taxi" and "subway" as options, I'll assume you live in a big city. Good! People who live in cities with subways often don't have cars. Use one of those options depending on where you are going. Don't ask her to pick you up unless she suggests going somewhere way out in the country. If she does, say you don't have a car and can she drive? If she doesn't, stick to something in the city and use taxi or public transit.




Dinner: you live in a city (you must, if there's a subway). There must be something in between McDonalds and a four star restaurant. Take her somewhere in the middle, a place with 10$ entrees, for example. The movie? Go ahead and suggest an action movie. She might want to see that too. Although women are not a big audience for war movies, women are a big audience for non-war action movies. I have always loved them and have read some magazine articles saying that this is actually fairly common for women.



Not very formally. This is not a black tie affair, whatever it will be. Clothes that are clean and nice should be fine. Not your favorite t-shirt full of holes but not a suit and tie either. Dockers, chinos, new jeans with no holes. A shirt that isn't a t-shirt and has no stains or holes. Shower but don't use Axe. That suff is vile. (I'm on a roll here. I've never known a woman who likes Axe. Although I'm middle aged, many of my co-workers are young girls in their 20's and they complain about dates with men who wear Axe.)

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Yeah, that would be fine. It would not be optimal, but I could handle it. Whats worse is if she asks me to bring some friends, I don't really have many I could bring.



Ok, but should I ask where she lives, meet her at her apartment, and then take public transit together? Or should I just ask her to meet me somewhere?



Actually, I guess I am leaning towards meeting her for coffee/lunch some afternoon, as suggested by TheMinnesotaIceman and CaroleTucson. Sounds like a lot less pressure.



Ok, thats cool, I'll be careful not to pressure her. When I call, should I just say "Hi, I'm (my name), the guy you met in the coffee shop the other day." [She says hi] "Would you like to meet me for coffee or a light lunch sometime?" Or should I wait a little longer into the conversation, eg, make some small talk for a few minutes first? Only thing is, on the phone there is nothing obvious to talk about, not like in the coffee shop where I could ask her how she liked the book she was reading, which I had read.

Thanks guys!

I don't think you have to know whether it's "a date" or "just hanging out" when you go. With respect to the kissing part, wait and see how it goes. Even if all that happens is she takes your arm or holds your hand, that's a start.

Have an idea in mind about where to go, when, and for how long. However, you don't have to know in advance how you'll get there. After she's agreed, you can figure out details like "where should we meet" and "how should we get to the cafe/restaurant". Do not plan on renting a car; the T is fine for the Boston area, and renting a car for date is overkill. She can offer to drive if she really wants to drive, but often parking is a bigger hassle than taking the T.

Most likely, the reason she's interested is because she enjoyed talking with you. It seems you enjoyed it too. Spend time doing that. Connecting mentally is as important as connecting physically. Hopefully you get to do both.

Good luck!

Ok, Thats good. Should I take the T (public transit) to her apartment, meet her there, and then we take the T together to coffee shop or light lunch? Or should I just ask her to meet me somewhere?


Thats why I am leaning towards meeting her for coffee/lunch some afternoon, as suggested by TheMinnesotaIceman and CaroleTucson, instead of dinner and a movie. We can just sit and talk, and I found talking to her to be surprisingly easy. It also sounds like a lot less pressure. Thanks for the advice.

I would offer to meet her at her place and go together, but if she prefers to meet you at the restaurant, that's okay too.

Thanks for the advice so far guys. When I call, should I just say "Hi, I'm (my name), the guy you met in the coffee shop the other day." [She says hi] "Would you like to meet me for coffee or a light lunch sometime?" Or should I wait a little longer into the conversation, eg, make some small talk for a few minutes first? Only thing is, on the phone there is nothing obvious to talk about, not like in the coffee shop where I could ask her how she liked the book she was reading, which I had read. There is no obvious conversation starter.

I was going to call her today, but put it off until tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, but I need to convince myself to call her tomorrow. I have probably already waited longer than I should have.

Thanks guys!
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