Never dated/first boyfriend?! ! HELP please!! !! !! !! !

Post Reply New Topic

Hi
So I'm sixteen and never dated in my life (my mom always jokes "sweet sixteen and never been kissed!" haha.) I hadn't expected to date until well into college, either. I just didn't think I'd be ready til by then.

So I go to this youth group at my church and I met this guy who's really nice. He asked me for my number and we text a lot, and we've come to like each other. (Keep in mind we haven't known each other that long, only a few weeks. And I have asperger's, of course, so the whole dating thing freaks me out and I have no background experience with how to handle the whole situation. ) But he keeps saying we should hang out or something and I'm really nervous! I mean I'm perfectly fine hanging out with him at youth group and all, but I don't know how I could handle things outside my comfort zone. And I don't hang out with friends a whole lot, let alone having a boyfriend. So I'm freaked out by the whole thing and really nervous. Just wondering if anyone's ever been in this situation and what they've done? Any suggestions /tips!! !??? Oh AND he's NT, I haven't told him about my diagnosis. Should I? I really never tell people unless I'm really close to them, I'm afraid of their reactions. SO many people associate asperger's/autism with retardation, it makes me sad!! !!

Anyway, if anyone can help me with this, that would be amazing!! !! Thank you!! !

Small world!

I'm a youth group leader too...though it sounds like you've got a higher ranking than me..haha. Anyway thank you! You're right, I should be fine with him, he's a great guy. I just am anxious on my part, how I will act towards him socially. I wish I didn't feel so awkward inside!! !! !! and I have no idea how dating works, I'm incredibly naive. Oh well, there's a first time for everything....

Hope all goes well for you!! !! I so hope you can find someone. Thank you for posting!! !!

Oh and I absolutely love "behind blue eyes". Wonderful song!! !! !!

You could take it one step at a time like asking him if a group hangout (maybe invite two of your youth group friends) would be alright. You could possibly go to an amusement park or something, which allows for you two to pair up and get to know each other more, but at the same time, still be in a group setting. Oh and I don't think it's necessary yet for you to tell him about your AS.

I hope it works out.

Ohh like a kinda double date or something? That's a good idea! just have to think about how i'd set that one up... but thank you, I'll definitely think on that one! I know I'd feel more secure if it wasn't just me and him at first.

Muchas gracias!! !! !

ToadofSteel said: "Look, unless you don't like him at all or if he creeps you out, I'd say take him up on his offer. You have the advantage of knowing he likes you, and given that he spends his time in a youth group, it's not likely that hes trying to play you or anything (not a guarantee, but your chances are better). Even if the "relationship" only lasts a day, you should take it. You haven't been turned into a lifeless shell yet like i have, there's still hope for you... so make the most of it." (sorry I can't figure out how to post quotes... )

Haha well sometimes he does creep me out a little...like he follows me around yg a lot--i think he's a little more into me than I'm into him, but maybe I'm just paranoid. And he texts me everyday--is that normal?? I talked to my NT cousin about it, she said I'm thinking too hard about this. haha she's probably right, I do overanalyze a lot. But still...creepy or no? I can't tell.

And no I don't believe you're a lifeless shell at all!! Only 22, that's so young!! I can't wait to be in my 20s and through with high school!! You have so much to look forward to.

And yes I can feel the singer's loneliness and desperation when he sings that song, it's really lovely the way he puts all that emotion into it. And I know how you feel...Sometimes I think I'm absolutely going crazy. But we all have our moments. It helps to know that God's with us every step of the way, even when we're struggling--rather, especially when we're struggling...He's there carrying us through it all.

How old is this guy anyway? I would consider him creepy if he's in his 20s and/or in college, but not really creepy if he's your age. As for texting every day, I think guys that age are a bit more honest--if they like someone, they like someone. There's not a lot of mind games and random evolution-based guesses about "what women want me to do."

EDIT: While we're on the subject of honesty, I don't think you're going to weird anyone out if you told them about AS provided he/she/it is a good friend.

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to date until you're in college. You have the rest of your life to angst over boys and deal with other dating problems. Enjoy a drama-free life with your friends for as long as you can.

1) Everyone feels like that going into a first relationship. You're on a level playing field there, regardless of AS.

2) You're 16 and new at this. You will make mistakes, you will say things that sound stupid to you the moment they're past your lips, and you will be awkward when you want to be graceful. Expect it, forgive yourself for it, and move onto the next thing. If something embarrassing happens, just laugh. It's the best answer to awkwardness.

3) He's nervous too. Even if he has more experience than you do, he's still nervous. He will also make mistakes.

4) If he keeps setting off "creepy" bells for you, it's okay to hurt his feelings and break it off. Hurt feelings are part of the territory. If he's more into the relationship than you are, he may push for things to move faster than you want to; again, it's okay to hurt his feelings and say no.

5) This is life. This is adventure. This is probably not the boy you're going to marry. Have fun, don't take it too seriously, and if it stops being fun in the first two weeks, bail out like your life depends on it. (In my experience, if anything gets notably unfun in the first 2-4 weeks of a relationship, it's a world of pain to stick around.)

6) AS isn't as stigmatized as mental illness (thank god) but I personally wouldn't break out the medical history until you're sure it's not going to end for mundane reasons first. Give it the two weeks, then maybe mention it. I really doubt it'll be an issue!

Three months is a traditional milestone. It's generally somewhere around there that the exciting hormonal spark starts to settle down, and you're stuck with the actual reality of what you're dating. Gradually, the loud chewing starts to get to you, or the way they're always late... the little buttons they hit start to actually light up, instead of being drowned out by the distraction of just how new and interesting the relationship is. It's also where a lot of people start having the "so... can you see yourself married? with kids?" conversations. Hence, a common place for relationships to go down in flames.

Under a month, however, is where you really ought to be distracted. If anything hurts you in that time, it's not going to go away. If you're crying because they said something that hurt your feelings, they stood you up, or you saw something that upset you--bail, bail, bail. In almost all cases, it means that either or both of you shouldn't be in a relationship, or that you're just a toxic combination; ie, one partner needs far more physical closeness than the other, and you're already fighting over space. (I'm a bit of a lone wolf, and I think I run into the space fight more than just about anything else. Sigh.)

Oh yes, another tip from my 15+ years of serial monogamy--watch how a guy treats his mother. It's a great indication of how he'll treat women in his life once he takes them for granted. If he's rude to her, he'll probably be rude to you once he's not trying to impress you any more. Dating is complicated even when you're not AS... but the fun parts are fun. (And the rest won't kill you.)

Oh man... thinking back, I had no idea how to behave! Yet I managed to have a few boyfriends. Quite the learning experiences.

Thank you guys!! !! ! You're really helping me a lot here

As for the quote thing, still can't get it.. i saw the button but am i supposed to type between the thingies [ ] or what? Haha i feel so slow not being able to figure this out...will never become an engineer or anything like that, that's for sure!...

SamRen- very helpful, thank you. I know we'll make mistakes, just wish we didn't have to!! !! and i never want to hurt people's feelings so hopefully it won't come to that, but yeah if he steps past the line I'll be done with him. haha Thank you for your advice!!

Toadof Steel- thank you for the creepy comment. for some reason it's hard for me to gauge people. He makes me a little uncomfortable but that's cuz i'm awkward with guys but if you all don't think that sounds creepy, it's prob not. i just hate feeling uncomfortable!! ! It's like i'm on a rollercoaster--one second I'll be enjoying the ride haha and wanting to date hm and the next i'll be like I wanna get off!! !! !

oh and he's a senior. A year older than me. Not a creepy grizzled college student..haha no I wouldn't be going for that:) note to Toadof Steel--not saying you're a creepy grizzled college student!! ! Wasn't referring to you

Thanks all!! !!