Question for the NT women.

Post Reply New Topic

For the NT women that have known or dated an Aspie or HFA, do you feel like you're taking advantage of him? In other words, do you feel that he's vulnerable and that you have to approach him a certain way?

I ask this because my brother works in retail and says a woman in her 20s comes in with her mother a few times a week and he can tell she might be on the spectrum...avoiding eye contact, kind of jumpy, uses one of those social security food cards. I just pictured in my head this kind of woman. I would definitely talk to a woman like this, seeing how that's close to a female me and would be interested in getting her perspective on life, but romantically or sexually I would feel like I was taking advantage of her due to her innocent vibe. I'd totally understand the fact that she's likely intelligent and just like myself struggling socially...but I would feel like "I can't do this" because I don't know, I'm not inside her head or body, and don't know how she feels or if she is vulnerable.

It just made me wonder if NT women (that are willing to give an Aspie or HFA a chance in the first place) feel this way about Aspie men, especially more outgoing NT women...that even if the Aspie male talks about mature subjects (not just sexual, in general) they think "He's too innocent, I have to treat him a certain way?"

Back in my dating days the diagnosis of Asperger's didn't exist and the diagnosis of autism was reserved (presumably) for those far too disabled even for mainstream schooling(the only disabled kids I knew at school had Downs or cerebral palsy). Times have changed. So I can only guess and retroactively diagnose somebody I knew back then and guess that if he were 25 years younger, he'd be carrying an Asperger's diagnosis (or maybe is if he's somebody who pursued diagnosis as an adult).

I had never heard the word "autism" and the word "Asperger's" didn't exist yet as a diagnosis. So I am guessing based on his awkwardness, nerdy interests and apparent obliviousness to social convention. At the time I just thought "very shy nerd". This was highschool. That's no dealbreaker because I'm a nerd too, although not shy. We had common interests of sci-fi and prog rock and he told hilarious anecdotes. He could make the most mundane things fascinating with his attention to comical detail (which retroactively may have just been attention to detail period). I did all the usual flirty things like brush up against him, say flirty things, make sure we were "accidentally" alone together. Nothing happened. So I figured he wasn't interested and I gave up although we remained friends.

I did not think he was more innocent than any other guy at school. I did not feel I was taking advantage of him. What I thought, after my firtation attempts repeatedly failed, was that he was gay. That's not entirely teenage ego thinking. ("If he's not attracted to me he must be gay.") I did keep a sharp eye out to see if he made overtures to other girls...if I had any competition. He did not, as far as I could see. Nor did he talk about girls at all. He talked about sci-fi and prog rock (our shared interests). So my conclusion was that he was gay.


Now I'm friends with him on facebook. He has a wife and kids. So obviously not gay. Maybe he just wasn't into me. Maybe he was an Aspie born 25 years too soon for a diagnosis. But the way he broadcast at the time was "gay". Well, you asked. There is nothing on his facebook profile page to indicate he has since acquired an Aspergers diagnosis. His job as a chemical engineer might be circumstantial evidence but it's not like there are no NT chemical engineers. I'm certainly not going to ask him or even hint around. That's over the line. So this is all just my retroactive guess.

I dated a man whom I strongly suspect is an Aspie. I never felt like I was taking advantage of him. In certain ways he is the most manly man I have ever met and I actually admire him a lot. Our relationship did not work out because he did not tell me he is an Aspie and I ended up being very confused by his behavior. He also told me he did not feel comfortable in the relationship. Discovering Asperger and beginning to suspect he has it, has not changed my opinion about him, if anything I admire him more for working hard on things that are challenging for him. So, no I have never thought of him as fragile and will never do.

While I do not have AS I have ADD, depression, and anxiety and I have issues with sensory things as well. So I would give them a chance because a label doesn't bother me.

aspie girls know what sex is
they're not ret*d, i mean seriously?!