Help for my Husband

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My husband is an aspie. We've been married for 2 years, together for 4 before that. We're having a terrible time now though. He's always been anxious of social situations and never really wanted to go out much. He used to like to be outside though, biking, hiking and canoeing. In fact, that was something that was hard for me to get used to, always having to be outside, exercising. I'm generally sort of a lazy person, preferring reading and sewing to most other things. He's been at a job he hates for about 4 years now and I just can't reach him anymore. He doesn't want to do anything except sleep. He definitely doesn't seem to want to be with me at all. I'm heartbroken. I know I'm not always as sensitive to his needs as I should be, but I really try. I don't always understand why he needs things a certain way, but I really try to do things that way anyway. I've tried to get him to find a different job, but he says he doesn't have time. And with as often as he's sleeping, he's right. But, I really think that his job is the biggest source of his depression, so I don't know how to help him if he won't find something else. We started going to counseling and that has helped a little. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, but I can't do this alone. I need things too. How do I talk to him about how badly I'm hurting without hurting him more?

I think your counselling is your best hope, there is no magic cure for this one especially if he doesn't see any need to change.

The "I don't have time" isn't much of an excuse. That means he doesn't see it as important enough. Most people in a job they hate - will happily borrow some of the job time. It isn't too hard to job search when you're working. If worst comes to worst - he can get you to sign him up with a head hunter (recruiting agency) and they will do the finding for him. Not that they are good at matching jobs to people, but they will find something else.

Try building up his self esteem too - give him lots of positive comments and compliments - start with one a day - be specific not vague. Having someone appreciate what you do, often gives you a little bit more energy. Tell him what you do want, not what you don't want. If he knows if he does this little thing then you will be pleased with him for a little while, that's much easier and satisfying and esteem building than always getting it wrong because he only knows what you don't want and not what you do want.

Start on his resume - as a small step in the right direction. Work on one paragraph a day. Look up the job sites like http://resume.monster.com/ for information on how to put a resume together. Also if you have any friends in other companies where he might suit a job, talk to the friends about getting a job there. Jobs through friends are often the best ones. And the company that recruits this way saves thousands of dollars in headhunter fees.

Another book that helps is "what color is my parachute" by Richard Bolles, you could read a little bit of it each day. And check out his website www.jobhuntersbible.com

OMG your letter could have been written by me.

It's really difficult if the person does not want to admit they are doing anything 'wrong' in the relationship (and I'm not saying being Aspie is wrong anyone!! I am only saying, to refuse to listen to your partner's wants or grievances ever, is wrong, or to not address things).

I am trying to work on my marriage but my husband has become deeply, clinically depressed and now even paranoid. At times I do get angry because I do not think that I should *never* be listened to, talked to, touched, held, etc ., etc. (keeping this G rated). I do not think it's right he spends all his time onilne or sleeping (I mean nearly 24 hrs a day at times) and refuses to accept even one percent responsibility in the marriage.

One thing that seems to confuse him is - he likes every thing the same - every day the same. Life with an NT just is NOT like that. I don't even want that. I have tried to adapt myself to HIM as much as possible... we have zero social life... I went to a party alone but it was humiliating... I went anyway... etc. We rarely get invited anywhere because he does not know things like, call and thank them for the nice time. Or even, write a thank you note for the party afterward. Etc. He will rarely even acknowledge I am here.

His response when I am angry and yelling about having 'no life' and - worse - how he refuses to talk about it with me at all?? "You need help". So it is very frustrating. But I guess it would be like dealing with any other problem which resulted in avoidance - whether the person drinks to avoid you, does drugs, sleeps, or goes online. Or just plain tunes you out. Others are not gonna understand this. They will say "Oh my husband has a lot of hobbies too" or "My husband spends a lot of time online too". They don't get it. There IS nothing else.

Best of luck... Get all the (emotional) support you can for yourself. You will need it!

We had this same situation, and in the end I had to make him give up work and get him to a doctor. It may not be possible for everyone to do this, though. I took over all the finances, moved us from our expensive flat to a cheap one, and even had to go to my work charity (I work for local government) for the cash to move home with. He ended up being out of work for a year, and we're still paying off the debt.

His biggest issue at work (apart from being forced to work up to 80 hours a week) was that he felt people thought he was mad. He really didn't have time to find anything else. Also, Aspies can't handle change and he had no idea what else to do... a new job, to him, meant having to go out and meet new people. He'd already decided that they would think he was mad too.

After a year off he decided he couldn't cope with not contributing. I'd been very firm about not letting him work. He called everyone in the phone book to ask if there were any driving jobs, and a very nice man with a small business agreed to try him out. Casual work, as & when-which meant he could turn it down if he didn't feel up to it. And no commitment, so he didn't feel stuck with it.

The first time he didn't get a call, he decided he was a useless driver and he'd never work again. But he still works for him, as well as another permanent part-time job working with plants, which he loves. And the guy he drives for is now a friend!

I think the point I'm trying to make is that Aspies can cave in under pressure. Mine felt he HAD to do the job he was doing, because he couldn't imagine anything else. He hated handing over all the finances and the running of everything to me. I'm quite capable, but in his last relationship he was made responsible for everything and it's all he knew (his ex is one of those helpless women who can't manage without a man to look after her).

The only choice I had was to put my foot down and tell him how things were going to be. It was a struggle, and I had a lot of stress leave and almost lost my job. But we didn't go under, and now he's more confident and able to cope with life.

I hate to say it, but from my own experience it sounds like your husband is at the same point as mine was. He may not be capable of getting himself out of this black pit he's in. I don't know your personal circumstances, but if there's any way you can do it, take away all his responsibilities. Downsize, work an extra job, get a loan... but try to give him time to sort himself out. He hasn't always been like this, and he will get over it, but you need to force the issue, and make all the changes he's too afraid to make.

It was the hardest time in my life, but I'm a stronger person for it. And we're all here for emotional support!

AmeliaJane...

How did you get him to come around to your way of thinking? And how long did it take?

You say it was difficult, but I'm wondering if you could elaborate more on that time period.

I'm very happy it's all worked out this well for you both. But it doesn't show me how to get there. Of course - if your intention was to simply state that this CAN be done, nevermind.

Ah, Popsicle-I was just about to post on the other thread & tell you about this one!

We've been living together for 5 1/2 years-the first 4 were VERY hard. He does not have a formal diagnosis of AS, but I realised he had it about 3-4 months ago. Fortunately, he has always wanted to know why he was different and he accepted that he had AS immediately. He was very relieved and excited-I would even say euphoric-about it.

As you can see from my post above, I really had to take over for a while. He had a lot to sort out in his head, and he was very bitter because he was trapped into a 20 year relationship previously due to a pregnancy. He felt his life had been wasted and couldn't get past that.

He refused counselling, and antidepressants had no effect. I had a lot of counselling though.
I think what got me through it all was that we have a LOT of history, and I knew he loved me somewhere in there. There was no way I was ever going to give up on him.

He started coming out of the depression when he got some temporary work again. He was still pretty volatile though, and our relationship still needed a lot of work because I'd taken control of things so much, and I still wasn't relaxed with him. About a year ago he was given strong painkillers after surgery, and they lifted his mood and made him feel like himself again. That was when I relaxed enough to start enjoying the relationship.

The AS was the icing on the cake really. As soon as I started reading about it, it was obvious that he has it. We don't feel the need for formal diagnosis. My first thought was-'oh, that's alright then'.

It would have been harder if he didn't accept it. A lot of people resist because they don't want to be labelled as having something 'wrong' with them. But Les has always known he was 'different', and I put it to him that there are 2 kinds of people, AS & NT. They think so differently that communication between the two is almost impossible. But they can learn each other's language if they make the effort.

All he ever wanted was to be understood, and without knowing what the difference between us was he had no way to make himself understood... and neither did I. Your husband probably thinks his feelings and needs are normal, because that's the was he thinks. He has no problem with that. YOU are the one who's unhappy, and saying your needs are not being met. His needs are! He's quite happy! So in his way of thinking, it is you who has the problem. He's wrong, but he has no way of knowing that.

If he resists doing something that's really important to you (like your sister's wedding) it's probably because he's scared. Travel, new people, socialising... all outside his comfort zone. So he puts his head in the sand because he can't explain why he can't handle it. He wouldn't even have to explain why he doesn't want to go to another Aspie. Just like you wouldn't have to explain why you DO want to go to another NT. It's obvious!

An Aspie once posted- 'I want to meet new people and make friends-online, not face-to-face, obviously'.

Obviously. No Aspie would question that statement. He didn't even need to say it.

He needs to understand that there is a difference between you & him. Until he does, you'll get nowhere. You may as well speak Chinese to him. I'm not sure how to suggest you acheive this-I would just say things which will make him realise you're starting to understand how he thinks. Do it gradually, and he'll start to notice. Say to him things like, 'do you sometimes feel like you're speaking a different language to other people?' etc. Get him interested. He must have had an inkling over the years that he was different in some way to the majority of people.

He is adapting to me more than you'd think. And a couple of years ago I started to believe that I was alone in the relationship and things would never change. Things did, though. I'm stubborn, and stronger than I ever thought. My relationship feels equal now. My partner always says that I gave him space to be himself, and that's how we got through it.

You obviously want to make it work. It must be so much harder for you having an illness to deal with too. But please don't lose hope... stick around in here. We all have very similar and very different experiences, and we're all cheering you on!

Isn't it funny how such small things can make you feel HUGELY better? My Aspie Husband is coming up to a three week vacation, so he's feeling good. And, one of his coworkers who got married before us, is getting a divorce. I feel bad for her, but I think he realized that it could happen to him. He says he's going to make more of an effort to hang out with me and my family. He even saved all the banana runts from his snack and brought them home for me. I used to think that he wasn't romantic. I used to think that I wanted flowers and gushy love letters...but honestly those banana runts were better than diamonds. How refreshing to see that your husband thinks of you when you're not around. Isn't that all we really want? To feel like we have a partner in things, that we're loved? I figured that since I've shared my heartbreak on this site, I should share my immense joy as well. Thank you to everyone who posted in response. I'm going to take your suggestions to heart and it's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I really think this site helps so I'm going to keep posting...Tomorrow starts his three week vacation, so maybe he'll make time to find a new job? Especially with my specific complements and detailed encouragement?

I just have to tell the world today:

I LOVE MY ASPIE!! !

Thank you both for posting here. AmeliaJane your post was honest and helpful thank you. I appreciate your sharing those details.

I think the main difference between our hubbies pertinent to communicating is, you say yours always wanted to be understood. I think mine could care less! I do agree that he sees the problem as all mine... in his mind, he was fine before and others dont demand this of him... (he doesn't see that those are different types of relationships to a spouse/spouse one, and much more superficial) so if I'd just leave him alone and/or never ask him for anything (of himself), he'd be on easy street.

For me that is no marriage... that is a bad roommate.

Anyway thanks.