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Grisha
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22 Nov 2010, 2:44 pm

I've been on Match.com and OK Cupid for about three days now.

So far the results have actually been pretty good, I've gotten two phone numbers and two standing "pre-dates" with women who are actually attractive and seem to generally share my values/interests.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice on what to do/say, I'm perfectly capable of screwing that up by myself. :wink:

The truth is that I have never been in a situation where I have "dated" (such as they are) more than one woman at a time. How do I handle this? Do I need to pick one and move on to the others if it doesn't work out? Do I date them in parallel? If so, what do I say to the others if I find one that seems to be working?

I'm obviously not terribly unhappy about being in this situation, if I can maintain this volume I'm bound to "click" with someone eventually, I just want to make sure that I do it in a moral/ethical way...



Asp-Z
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22 Nov 2010, 3:58 pm

Date them both and see which one you have more in common with and like better, then go from there.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Nov 2010, 4:05 pm

^^ can't say it better.

and prove us how wrong menintights was!



Moog
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22 Nov 2010, 4:09 pm

Grisha wrote:
If so, what do I say to the others if I find one that seems to be working?


"It's not working for me, sorry. Bye. Good luck" etc.

Or just date them both forever. That would be cool. Hard work maybe.


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AndreaLuna
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22 Nov 2010, 4:30 pm

If you are seeing both of them at the same time, do NOT sleep with either of them. Most women would be hurt by that and would consider you a jerk if you did. As a European I even consider dating more than one person at the same time as immoral, but that's another story and it is because in Europe we usually do not do that. We have frienships and then if there is something more than that it develops naturally into something else. I think in this way there is a lot less pressure than in "formal" dates.



Moog
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22 Nov 2010, 4:37 pm

I guess different people have different rules for what's okay.

I do think it's a good idea to whittle them down to one before you sleep with either, if things even progress that far with either. Just keeps things clean. Be prepared for possible disintegration otherwise.

But then, some people are more easy going than that.


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hyperlexian
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22 Nov 2010, 4:53 pm

glad to read you have some leads!

regarding the question of how to handle the situation of multiple dating partners... i don't know if very many women would be happy to find out afterward that the guy they are dating is also dating another woman, particularly if he is sleeping with her too.

but if you are open and honest with both of them, in that you are not serious about anything yet and want to get to know them better before settling down, they will probably be fine with that. nobody would expect exclusivity right out of the starting gate, but i think they may reasonably expect some degree of openness about your activities with other women.


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Grisha
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22 Nov 2010, 4:54 pm

AndreaLuna wrote:
If you are seeing both of them at the same time, do NOT sleep with either of them. Most women would be hurt by that and would consider you a jerk if you did. As a European I even consider dating more than one person at the same time as immoral, but that's another story and it is because in Europe we usually do not do that. We have frienships and then if there is something more than that it develops naturally into something else. I think in this way there is a lot less pressure than in "formal" dates.


Actually I hadn't even thought about sex because I don't expect things to get that far (or I don't want to get my hopes up).

But just for the record, I don't do casual sex and monogamy and commitment are absolutely mandatory before I takes things to that level.

I'm just talking about dates, not sex...



Grisha
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22 Nov 2010, 5:02 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
glad to read you have some leads!

regarding the question of how to handle the situation of multiple dating partners... i don't know if very many women would be happy to find out afterward that the guy they are dating is also dating another woman, particularly if he is sleeping with her too.

but if you are open and honest with both of them, in that you are not serious about anything yet and want to get to know them better before settling down, they will probably be fine with that. nobody would expect exclusivity right out of the starting gate, but i think they may reasonably expect some degree of openness about your activities with other women.


Thanks for the feedback.

Regarding sex, see above ^^^

Given the long odds, I don't see any alternative to this approach - how many times have you heard "it's a numbers game"? This requires volume.

Also, at this stage I don't expect "exclusivity" from any of the woman I'm dating, it's way too early in the process to reasonably expect that...



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22 Nov 2010, 8:06 pm

No one meeting people on an Internet dating site expects to be the "only one" -- at least for a while. Basically, until that's what's explicitly agreed upon. Profiles are there for thousands and thousands of people to see day after day. People expect to be one of at least a few other people that you're getting to know. No one wants to pin all hopes on one particular someone, tell everyone else to get lost, and then have things not work out after a few dates. The better you're getting to know someone, though, the more those expectations change. Just try it. It will feel more natural once you're in it. And good luck.:thumright:


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