I Don't Get It?!

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A few months ago, I met someone on match.com and went out a few times. The first few times everything seemed fine but the last time I saw her I got a very cold impression towards the end of the date and then again when texting her next. I left it at that thinking if I was wrong she'd get in touch herself. I heard nothing for months and then recieved a text last night asking how I was and chatting a little about a few things. In my last text I asked if she'd like to go out again and have not recieved anything back since.

Why would she do that? We never became great friends or anything so she can't be getting in touch for friendship surely? So why would she stop after me asking her if she'd like to go out again? I really don't understand and have to resist the temptation to text again. Anyone any advice to offer?

She's not into you. Probably something about the dynamics between you two. Drop it and move on to someone else.

She may have remembered you and a friendly and funny guy who she thought she could be friends with, and you scared her off when you asked her out. If you are comfortable being her friend, lay off the date talk and see what happens. If you are only interested in her as a potential date then I think the previous advice to lay off is probably best.

She dated somebody else in the meantime, now it is over and she is trying to reconnect with you for friendship or other depending how things go between the two of you.

Had it been me, I wouldn't have resisted the temptation to text her back -- I'd have *definitely* texted her back, but not in a "WTF?", angry way..

I'd have waited about 10min and texted back "...I just heard a cricket... lol" -- to let her know in a lighthearted way that it's not a big deal if she doesn't want to go out on an "official date" or whatever, and that I'm not too afraid/embarrassed to even talk to her now -- and then I'd have waited for her to respond. If she didn't respond to that, I'd take it to mean she's probably not someone I'd seriously want to date anyway. I mean, if you can't even laugh at yourself........yanno?

Most women, though, I think would probably have responded with 'lol' or 'sorry' or something along those lines, at which point I'd have probably just re-assured her it was totally fine -- and then I'd have at least *tried* to get back to the idle chitchat by asking her another pointless question along the lines of "Hey, how's your dog?" or ask about something equally pointless and assinine that you remember her being all atwitter about on one of your dates.

THEN I'd end the chitchat with something cute/sarcastic like "And hey...if you ever wanna go do something totally platonic and non-committal, let me know...I might be mildly interested. :]"


Thing is -- it's probably not too late to give this strategy a whirl. In fact, you'll probably just look *less* desperate a day later than you would have if you'd hit her back immediately.

Of course. She dated someone else, or several men. She, like everyone else, is trying to end up with the best most good looking person she can get. So someone else edged you over, he left, other prospects dried up, and she went back to you. Even if you go out with her again it would merely be a fall-back date for her. I wouldn't.

There's a lesson here for everyone in this forum. Dating a lot of people until you find the one you can get along with, is the norm not the exception. So go out there and explore. It may take 10 different dates until you find the one person you can get along with reasonably enough to try for a relationship.

That is how some women react when they wanted you to go further and you didn't go further. I suppose she looks like a self confident woman, but in a very feminine way.


Insecurity, doubt. Are you interested in her? If yes you need to stop taking the "good friend" posture, plan a date that will thrill her and get to the action.

You guys kill me sometimes with the "Negative Nancy" attitudes..

Yeah, maybe she dated around and liked them all better, but they didn't like her, so now she's 'falling-back' to the OP. Sure, It's possible...

..OR..

Maybe she enjoyed her dates with the OP, then dated some other guys, realized she didn't like them, and then maybe she realized the OP was lingering in the back of her mind as the guy she should have spent more time with. Maybe all those other guys were JERKS who made the OP look better and better in her mind's eye, so she nervously texted him back and then FROZE when he actually wanted to go out again.

Who knows?!?

So why decide it *must be* the most NEGATIVE SCENARIO IMAGINABLE right off the bat and proceed from there?


Ugh...this forum can be really, really depressing at times. It's no wonder so many of you guy seem to be in a downward spiral -- you're all feeding off one-anothers' misery!

Yeah I agree, but this kind of thinking is explained by the fact that some people value more certainty over the risk of disappointment
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3204172.html#3204172

She messaged the OP merely to get a response back...most likely was mistreated or is being mistreated by the guy(s) she is dating or sleeping with and wanted sure-fire attention from the OP. When she got the response she wanted, that was it for her.

Sorry Niles, I'm going to have to say I have no idea where you pulled that one from. It's like you picked a random response out of a hat.

OP, she likely isn't interested, and simply feels bad for ditching you, hence asking how you are, but with no interest to date. Forget about her and move on.

That's a possibility, too, but still garners the same result...not romantically interested.

Ok I'll explain what I see.
(1) From the 2nd date or later she said: I trust you, I like you or something like this, it was the green signal you missed, and went on being friendly, even if you kissed her. She understood your lack of progression and I suppose your lack of insistency as you having no sexual interest in her. She felt unattractive
(2) She suggested you're a nice guy for the last time, you kept on being friendly and non intrusive.
(3) She thought rejecting you would make you more attracted (a Pavlovian reflex NT woman have that never works with aspies)
(4) You made a symmetry again here: it was not "her turn" to call, she was waiting for you to call
(5) You kept the same friendly tone and (6) happens when she reenact your first dates
(7) Yep, it was not about friendship
(8 ) Surely not

If the OP thinks I am correct, it's classic lack of understanding the intention in people that leads to a misunderstanding.

My experience says:
- You should not feel guilty, this was a misunderstanding.
- This kind of behavior (not being more "provocative" and clear about her intentions) comes from the most remote place in the NT spectrum, if you went further in the relation, misunderstandings would multiply, chances are it would have lead to a disaster.
- You were not really in love, you would have made a move and the idea of friendship would have never crossed your mind
- Don't apologize, don't say it was a misunderstanding, ignore or if you wish to reset the relation, go straight fast and hard (at your own risk for the future)
- It's a lesson for the next time on match.com

OP, here's my take. what the heck, there are several theories on the table already.

you rejected her when you assumed she was turning cold. you did not contact her again, and waited for her to make the next contact. she may have been upset about something unrelated to you, and you did not ask her what was going on - you figured that it was related to you somehow and subsequently ignored her. essentially, you shut it all down.

i don't know for sure why she contacted you again, but in a sense it is not even important. what is important is to see that she did not seem to have pushed you away, but based on the information you provided... you pushed her away.

Thanks for the varied responses guys, I've responded to some of you below:

MidlifeAspie: I doubt she remembered me that way as I was quite depressed when we went out and although I was trying, I don't think I was too much fun. Also, I was seeing what happened with her at the time but was quite unsure if we were right as a couple so left the ball in her court, which she's now hit back...

cmjust0: Texting back in that way wouldn't work as she's a slow texter.

Dilbert: Why so much cynicism? Her date with me was her first ever, she told me this and I've no reason to doubt. Particularly when she was telling me (at a different time) about her family's reaction to it. There's a chance she dated someone, but I wouldn't bet my life on it.

SuperAspie: I'm actually unsure how far my interest goes if I'm honest but I certainly didn't have a 'good friend posture'. She was aware of my interest!

nilescrane: Where do you get your responses?

hale_bopp: She didn't actually ditch me, things fizzled out before properly begining really. Also, I'm not clinging on or anything, I'm just trying to get a better understanding as if it doesn't help now, it could in the future!

hyperlexian: Your theory actually sounds fairly plausable but she seemed to get cold just after we'd been talking about our childhoods and I revealed that I was a bit of a prick back then - mid-date. Up to that point everything seemed the same as on previous dates with her. I texted her the next day and her responses were abrupt - only enough words to respond to what I've said kiss(x) missed off the end when there before, etc. I still kept it friendly and never mentioned about her appearing cold, would that push someone away???

AS, NT, or other - women are an enigma. You could spend forever trying to figure it out and be no closer than you are today. Ask her, or put it out of your mind. It isn't worth the long-term investment of mental energy