The insurmountable intimacy of love...

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Ever since my first relationship ended last July I've been desperately trying to rekindle that certain fire between two people... it is also within the sexual act, as that is symbolic of the burgeoning relationship... and so I've been promiscuously attempting to get back to it by acting out various types of sexual proclivities.

As in, I just got someone off craigslist visit me... who happens to be a voyeur, and... anyway, the climax was pretty powerful, despite taking time. But, oh... every time this happens I feel sad, because there's no way I'd be able to feel how I felt with my first love... those eyes of tenderness, that gentle smile... when he truly loved me, mutley.

This was undeniably evident last July when I happened to go all the way to Spain to do something similar (the guy actually paid for my flight himself)... when we cuddled my mind went straight back to the loads of cuddling I did with my sweet 'bushul'... and I cried. So naturally. I went all the way to Spain to escape the pain but it caught up with me in an instant. I loved him so much. I'm not sure I know how to stop loving him. How to forget the angelic Matthew I knew.

You can't recreate past love with a new person. By looking for it, you will likely find yourself not appreciating the new person for who they are.

Each love, and each friendship is usually different.

Don't forget; make peace.

I was utterly crazy about my first love and we were together for over four years. When it ended I felt as though I had lost myself. It took ages, but I gradually learned that I shouldn't be trying to erase my past. It's part of me, and that time of my life is part of me. Both will always be there. The difference is that I have learned to accept that while what we had was beautiful, there were reasons for it to end. Ending doesn't make it less than what it was. I have learned that getting over someone isn't forgetting them: it's moving past them. You still love them, but it isn't sad anymore. I smile when I remember that time in my life.

I have a few 'chances to practice' this strategy since then It always hurts in the beginning. It's necessary, just like it's necessary to mourn, to cry, to feel awkward and lonely the first time you kiss someone else. Don't hate yourself for going through it: it happens, and it happens at its own pace. We can't speed it up but we can slow it down by dwelling endlessly on how miserable we are.

I have no doubt that someday there will be a new wonderful person in your life. That person will not be wonderful in the same way and nor should they be. That place in your heart has been taken. You will love them for who they are, not for the place some else once occupied.