Give me one good reason why I shouldn't dump her

Post Reply New Topic

So, I've been in a relationship with my SO for roughly 8 months. In the last few months, things have seriously deteriorated and I'm very tempted to give her the heave-ho.

It all started going downhill because her parents do not like me. Her mother picked up on my as, though she did not understand it and just labeled me as "wierd". They gave her an ultimatum to stop dating me, or leave. She chose the latter. Well, rewinding a few months, she needed a car, so I found her one and I also maintain it. When they kicked her out, I let her room for a night at my house, then was able to place her in a house of her own through a friend of mine, whose place was vacant and I had a set of keys to.

Anyway, none of this really bothered her. What seems to be steering her down the wrong pass is her boss. Her boss seems to be on the path of wooing her and won't take no for an answer. He does not care taht she is in a relationship, he knows me and he just flat out does not care that I am the boyfriend. He whispers lies in her ear about me, he flirts with her constantly, he calls at indecent times and stays at her home well past decent hours (as late as 2am from what i've seen....who knows whats happening behind my back). Either way, i'm pissed. EXTREMELY PISSED.

Through all of this, everytime she has needed something she calls me. I usually am there because of course, her family disowned her and I don't want to see her screw up, but her boss is there too. He raised her ours, so that she works 12 hours a day. I hardly ever see her.

She says she feels torn between myself and her boss and its pissing me off. On one hand, the boss makes me sick and I'd love to kick his ass. However, I know it is not really his fault, but hers for letting him woo her that way. Anyway, I'm nearly at my witts end. I can't be around her all the time because she works with the guy! I'm tired.

She seems to at least care. She says she's trying to find another job (she found one that starts in another month). She's also told me she loves me deeply and is just having a hard time choosing. Several times I've threatened her to leave, at which time she cries and chases me down. She seems concerned when I get angry with her because its been going on for two months and I'm getting plain impatient. She's even asked me a few times why I stayed with her. She even said she was committed to repairing our relationship, but she's going right down the same path again. Honestly, i'm not in a very good mood. I texted her the previous night just to ask her if she still loved me and could tell me that to my face. She couldn't even give me a straight answer. She answered question to my question ("how do you feel about me?") and the messages stopped. This is the last straw. Were going to sit down and talk, or it through. What do you all suggest?

Because she made a lot of sacrifices for you. She wouldn't do that if she didn't care.

dude, she cares fro you if she didnt she wouldnt havbe left her family given the ultimatum...but when she starts playing with the boss, alarm bells ring for me..aspies are very gullible and naieve and nt's do trick us and mislead us.......they say thisgs like oh he means nothig to me...we believe this automatically but when they say it it could mean anything.....sit her down and ask her a few questions face to face and see if you think she is lying, if you think she is,,, she probably is.

oh and good luck dude

Give her this final chance to explain herself and make a decision on what to do then. If she can't make up her mind then make it up for her. You seem to be letting her walk all over you.

He's at her home? Dude.. you really need to put some limits up. IMO she's probably screwing him.. but regardless.. having her boss over- even it's just for game of checkers is socially innapropriate.

That means he's much more than her boss.

Choose? Does she have two boyfriends? If she has to choose you've already been demoted.

Sounds like she has a guilty conscience.

Would she tolerate being treated that way?
Sounds like the straw broke long ago.. dump her arse. You deserve to be treated with some respect.

Depending on how I interpret some points where I don't know enough, it ranges from no reason at all to lots of them.

Was she just waiting to get out and that gave her a convenient excuse, or did she get along with her family and left for your sake? The closer the truth is to the second alternative, the more that is evidence for a serious commitment to you on her part, and that is not something that should be lightly thrown away.



Are you by now too annoyed to care what is good for her? If not, then the boss' behaviour that you describe does not look like a promising sign for her. He does not care about breaking up a relationship to which, for all I know (see above), she may have been deeply committed when he started his campaign. If he genuinely believes she would be happier with him, he should be willing to wait until she comes to the same conclusion without pressure on his part. All this sounds to me more like he is after a conquest, or at least that his happiness is far more important to him than your girlfriend's happiness. You say he also raised her working hours to 12 hours per day. In the context, it sounds as if his primary motive is to keep her away from you and in his company. That would be a clear abuse of power. If that is how he tries to get her into a relationship, then if he succeeds, chances are he will carry on the same way. Do you still care enough about your girlfriend's happiness that you can honestly bring this up without engaging in the same game as her boss, that of trying to undercut the other guy? Have you suggested to her that she should test his commitment by asking him to stop all flirting until she has decided what to do and to accept whatever she does decide? If he doesn't care enough or doesn't have enough self control to accept this, your girlfriend should tell him to get lost and count herself lucky for a narrow escape. For one thing, if the guy can't control himself that much, she can expect to be dumped again as soon as the novelty wears off and he finds himself a fresh target. Also, would he need to bother changing her working hours if she didn't care about you?

On the point of undercutting the other guy, you said he knows you and he tells her lies about you. How well does he know you and what does he say? If he knows you only from you picking her up after work, then just about anything he says about your personality would have to be a lie, in so far as he has no basis for any good judgement. If your girlfriend has any sense, that should put her off. If he knows you better than that, is it clear to your girlfriend that he is lying? If you can show her that he is a manipulative bastard, it is again a bad sign for any future relationship between her and him, and the attraction should diminish. If you discuss that, b careful that you don't end up looking like the manipulator.



If she left her familiy for you, she is likely to be young. I expect her boss is older and more experienced, which gives him more responsibility not to be manipulative. He is also in a position of power. Even if she had actively encouraged him, he would still have a responsibility not to abuse a position of power and not to mess around with an existing relationship. From your description, I can't say wether your girlfrined is at fault, but it sounds like her boss definitely is at fault.



I would say changing jobs is a sign of continued commitment to you. From reading the few paragraphs of your message I can't make a reliable judgement, but it seems possible to me that of the two of you, you are the one less committed to continuing the relationship. True enough, the reason for that is that she is genuinely interested in the other guy, and the people who can live with that and still continue to care are a tiny minority, so this is not intended as a criticism.Still, are you the one less interested in carrying on? If so, I would think you owe it to yourself and her to be honest about that. Would you still want her if she gave her boss a kick up the backside right now, or have you lost too much trust? If you can still trust her enough and you do still care enough, I would suggest you wait until she is in her new job. Her current boss at that point may well lose interest and direct his attention towards easier targets, in which case your girlfriend woud see the value of your reliability, and would be much less likely to be taken in if another Casanova came along in future.



A legitimate question, if she can expect the boot from you at any moment. You can answer it when you meet her. I hope it works out. From what you write of her boss, he deserves to fall flat on his face.

Good luck

agreed.

some very good points made, because I was well ready to leave her, and still am. I really want to sit down and talk with her because she is also going through a variety of family issues, and she just dosn't tell me. I wish she would. I still do love her alot and I've been through this much with her, but the reason why I am questioning whether we should continue is because I wonder if she still loves me.

Thus far, I've been wracking my brain as to why she let her boss woo her and get this close. She never lets men get this close to her. Then it hit me. She is merely looking at who will take care of her best. I've tried hard to do my best and be the best boyfriend I can be, but it is very difficult when I feel all my work is for naught. I do not want to be in competition with another man over my own girlfriend. When I entered into this relationship, I looked at her interests, as well as my own. I placed her needs equal to mine, but I am unsure if she put my needs equal to hers. If she did, she would never have let him advance this far. True enough, he does treat her well, but I see a sinister side to him she cannot seem to see. While he cares for her, he only sees me as an obstacle and has even told her that ("I'll let you get mark out of your system, then you'll be all mine"). he does not seem to care that she is in a relationship and has been using underhanded tactics to disrupt it. He has called my faithfulness into question and has even suggested I'm seeing other women to her. So, I'm still torn here. I told her that we should talk, or I will have to leave her, plain and simple.

Question: Does the boss own the business? Or is he otherwise in some level of management?

he owns the business

Hm ... You could try outclassing them both, if you find yourself capable.

What I mean is, shift your viewpoint to something like this, and tell it to her:

"I know you've been through heck and high water dealing with me. I know your family was hard on you. I appreciate all the sacrifices you've made for me. You're a wonderful person, and I love you. I've been jealous, and I'm sorry.

"I don't have to own you. If you have feelings for your boss, I'm not the guy to stand in the way. I'll fight for you, but I won't fight with you. It's your choice whom you're with. I won't be angry with you. I just want you to be happy.

"So you just tell me what you need when you need it, because you know how I am about missing things sometimes. You tell me if you want me to tell your boss to cease coming to the house or making advances. I'll support you in every way you ask, and we'll get through this difficult time, either as a couple, or separate, if that's how you need it."

This will alter the power structure amongst you, her, and the boss. See, the boss is NT, and you've put yourself into a game with him. NTs obssess over games, can't take their attention off them. But if you pull a Gandhi on him, he has nobody to fight, badmouth, or play with, and it will will screw up his judgment in a way that will make you laugh. He either has to do something positive or take his toys and go home. After you say this, he can't say anything bad about you without looking like a blatant scumbag.

More important, it takes the pressure off your girl. She's more likely to make a good decision if there is less pressure ... annnnd ... she's more likely to choose you if you aren't pursuing her as ardently. (Human nature, you know...)

Third, it shows class, plain and simple. And since it sounds like you're on the rocks as it is, you have nothing to lose. You may be walking away anyway: why not try a gambit?

Good luck!

I agree with GroovyDruid on this one.

This could just be one of those situations that just looks bad. Probably the boss has the hots for your girlfriend, and she's just doing all this to keep her job.

It's a sick world out there.

After reading some of the replies here I agree that you should dump her.

grooveydruid has some great advice, take it and try it out, what have you got to lose? and you have the future to gain.

This story really bothers me on so many levels. To be honest, GroovyDruid has really valid advice and it's the best course of action, not because of the "strategic" merits, but because it simply the most responsible thing to do. It's the right way to do it. But something you said keeps rattling through my head:

I think you should walk. GroovyDruid's advice paints a good picture of how to do it in good taste. I think you need to do what's best for you now, because she seems to know how things look.

Walk away knowing you did the best job you could. If you really meant something to her, she'll never forget that and you'll see her again. If not, you can probably do better.

To me it just sounds like the boss is a stalker/manipulator type and that she is just trying to keep her job. I mean, it really sounds like the police ought to get involved, that situation sounds pretty much like sexual harassment.
Get that guy away from her and talk to her. He is trying to manipulate her (in an obvious way too) and if she would "fall" for him, then maybe she is very insecure with low self-esteem and probably not worth the effort (I been through this; Mostly either the girl or yourself is naïve, and you're probably better off with someone else).
However, if you're going to be in relationship with her you really need to accept the fact that she will get attention from other men and that they will flirt with her. This is where trust comes into the picture, make sure that you grow a trusting and loving relationship to cope with that. Do not try too hard, and all other kinds of advice (I'm getting tired and I need to keep this short).
This is what I thought needed adding, other points have been made by previous posters (and probably better, I can't really keep a string of thoughts right now) and I believe the most sensible advice to follow would be GroovyDruid's.
From the information you have written this my opinion and conclusion. Good luck none-the-less, your situation sounds pretty complicated. For your sake I hope it turns out for the best for all the involved parties (but maybe not the boss, he sounds like a real as*hole stalker ;D)

-Jonesh, the exhausted Swede