Am I really THAT bad?

Post Reply New Topic

(warning: rant, thinly-disguised plea for sympathy/support)

OK, 2010 date #5 ended just like 1-4: My date excusing herself after about an hour without expressing even the tiniest hint of interest, and me driving away with a lump in my throat feeling like a totally repulsive freak.

WTF is wrong with me? I am not hideously deformed, I am healthy, active and fit, I have an excellent income and am completely self-sufficient, I have as much hair as I did in high school, I am 6ft tall. My Aspie "special interests" are not too far out, and I am usually able to not talk about them. I am well-read and can discuss just about any conversation topic competently. I try to be funny, sometimes I even succeed. I am pretty well-travelled.

In short, I feel like I have a lot to offer to help offset my disability, and yet time-after-time I find myself to be a complete non-entity to women romantically speaking, even women whom I have a lot in common with and would seem to be at least worthy of maybe a second date...

Does anyone out there have any idea what I am doing wrong? Because I cannot figure it out for the life of me...

You seem perfectly dateable to me.

You also probably have atypical mannerisms and have trouble reading women. Everything else maybe fine, but women can often pick up on subtle things you may not be aware of the fact you are even doing.

Oh, I really wish I weren't 3000 miles away and could sit with you for an hour or so. Otherwise, all I have to go by is what you've written and my own experiences (and biases).

Because you mention that these are all first dates, I don't think it matters much what your behind-the-scenes bring-to-the-tables are (job, hobbies, etc.). Most likely, they are responding to your demeanor in some way. Are you the kind of Aspie that has a flat affect? Can you not do the "engaged face" act? Do you not project a level of interest beyond civil politeness (I have a problem with this)? How do your conversations go?

Every first date is like a job interview or a college application interview. A certain amount of acting is necessary. Not a bulls*** act, but enough of an act to engage someone, fully. It's a very fine line. Do you notice their interest waning as the date progresses? Is there a lot of seemingly-random subject-changing?

This is so hard to do, because I don't know you / haven't interacted with you in person. These are only guesses on my part.

Yes, you should get more of a chance, but if you are off-putting in some way, it's just not going to happen unless you meet someone extraordinary, someone who has the experience and knowledge and empathy necessary to get past the outward affect. Unfortunately, this dating process has become fully market-driven. It's all a matter of what you bring to the table and whether you're shopping in the right store.

This is my opinion. I wish you well; you do seem like a nice and thoughtful person, and frustration, without explanation or resolution, is always, always so demoralizing.

I think mv is probably right. Perhaps my own problem as well. They may have not felt that you were interested in them even. I think it's better to be yourself and find someone who "gets" you rather than go through all the bother of putting on a false face. Oh well, I guess everyone in NT world does that to an extent.

Yes, I definitely have a flat affect, smiling is neither natural nor frequent with me unless I really try. The conversations usually are lively and flow pretty well, time goes pretty quickly, very few, if any, awkward silences. I try very hard not to talk about myself or my interests too much. I try to ask questions more.



I kind of wish is was a job interview, because I totally kick a$$ at them, employers are looking for quite a different set of things though... Also, her interest level seems to be pretty good, at least until she looks at her watch a flees the scene.



I'm afraid you're right.

As far as I can tell, I have two choices: give up, or try to date as many women as possible hoping to find the "needle in the haystack" that you referred to, any suggestions on how to "target" more appropriately would be deeply appreciated.



Thank you very much! There's always hope, because I only have to succeed once...

I actually wish there was a bit more sympathy for the Aspie guys around here, because even when you've tried to exploit every possible advantage, AS is a horrible, insidious condition to have that stacks to odds so far against you I wonder how anyone with it doesn't die alone...

Is this the same lady?

Sorry for being unclear, I am referring to 5 different women that I have managed to get a date with so far this year (3 of them in the last week-or-so)

I am not sure how you expect people to help you if you don't tell them any detail. Did you notice when your date changed the way she spoke, the moment that the conversation became one-sided (if it did), her tone, the way she looked at you, her body language, or anything along those lines?

Then again if you are doing something that drives them away without realizing, then it might be a better option to have someone observe your next date, so that they can give you some feedback about what you did wrong. The next time that you go out to a restaurant with a date, maybe you can bring a friend - he can sit next to the two of you with a notepad or something. You probably wont get a second date with the girl, but at least you will have some feedback. If your date is uncomfortable with that then maybe you can substitute that friend for a camera.
Obviously I'm just joking.
...or am I?

What kind of women are you dating these days? You might just be going for the wrong kind of ladies? (:

Actually I think its not a bad idea, as long as it wouldn't bother Grisha or else it probably wouldn't help.

And his date shouldn't know the friend is there.

It could be bad luck too and he's better off without any of his previous dates, maybe next one will be the right one.

I would love to give detail, but I really didn't notice anything at all unusual until she said something about problems with her contact lenses and that she had to leave. Obviously I'm doing something horribly wrong, but whatever it is, it is very subtle.

I really wish there was a way to have an observer present, I would even pay them if they could convince me they could actually help

The wingman approach isn't a bad idea really - I don't mean in the traditional sense by having a friend shadow you at the bar. Ask a trusted friend to be there an hour ahead of time and have him look like he's busy - a laptop/Kindle/iPad or a book/sketchpad works great for setting up the facade. You and your date should be within comfortable sight and have your wingman jot down notes or observations and then talk at the end of the day.

On any of your dates, did you feel a connection to any of the other person enough to think it went well?

A first date isn't really like a job interview. Interviewers don't really care about your personality as long as they think you can do the job. With a first date, it's not so much about what you can do as it is about the chemistry between you and the person. Chemistry doesn't have to be spontaneous, but if by the end of the first date the chemistry still isn't there, a second date probably isn't worth going to.

These are women I've met through online dating sites. Besides being able to view each other's profile, we would have also exchanged e-mails, phone calls, etc. so we actually have a pretty good idea about any "macro" compatibility issues.

Whatever it is that I'm doing wrong doesn't really manifest itself until we meet in person. Maybe they are the "wrong" ladies, but I haven't got the slightest idea how to do it otherwise...

That actually sounds like a really interesting idea.

How have you been meeting these women Grisha?