How difficult is for an Aspie to remain friend with an ex?

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How difficult is for an Aspie to remain friend with an ex? I know there is a lot of variability within the general population and so I expect this to be the case also among people with Asperger. But the reason I am asking is because when I broke up with my Aspie boyfriend, I was the one that was more emotionally involved and he is the one that said that he was not in love with me and that his feelings for me were coming and going (reason for the breakup). He told me he wished we could remain friends but when I contacted him after a while he avoided me like the plague. When we meet by chance he seems almost embarrassed to see me and almost can't speak to me. If I could describe the vibes that he sends off are of embarrassment and shame. I tried to speak to him about this because whatever happened there is no reason to feel like that. I was hoping to clear this and remain at least friends, but it did not go very well, he says he can't meet with me, he can't see me. This has made me very sad because I really like him as a person and even if he did not feel like ours was the relationship for him, I would have liked to keep him in my life as a friend. Note that we are both in our 40s and that I am NT. Also, he never told me he is Aspie, though I suspect it very strongly and we have known each other for almost 4 years (we dated only a few months though).

I've been able to remain friends with my ex just fine. That said, I've had a lot of practice in suppressing my own feelings. I still love her and would take even the slightest chance to get back with her, but I just box that away and don't let it get in the way of the friendship that I still have. On the other hand, the friendship was also pre-existing to the relationship; I don't think it's possible to go from relationship to friends if you weren't friends beforehand...

My feeling is that this isn't really an Aspie issue, per se. I think men in general have a harder time continuing a platonic friendship with an ex.

But that aside, from what you've described, it sounds to me like he still has feelings for you and doesn't know what to do about them.

i don't know if this is an aspie issue either. but it could be.

i have at times found it much easier than other people to remain friends. i see no need for rules about this. other times i have experienced what sounds like the shame your ex is exhibiting, and it has been because i had discovered i'd drastically misread the situation and felt very foolish, having exposed my inability to navigate these situations in the way other people my age are so easily able.

I'm still friends with all of my exes.

"...and it has been because i had discovered i'd drastically misread the situation and felt very foolish, having exposed my inability to navigate these situations in the way other people my age are so easily able." I think he knows I care about him and I hope he knows I was intersted in HIM not in how well he can navigate a romantic relationship. He is who he is and I was willing to take the time to learn how to interact with him in a way that is right for both of us. I almost feel that he felt like I could give him much more than what is able to give in a relationship and he felt ashemed of that. Perhaps he thinks I am looking for a man that can give me what I can give, but relationships are not all about us and what we need but also the other person. If I like him so much it means there is something in him that I find unique and that I won't find in anybody else. I decided to let it go though because I see how difficult is for him to interact with me, I care about him and I don't want to cause stress in his life, but I wonder if he will ever contact me again. What do you think?

Give him space, give him time. He'll make up his own mind if he wants to get in contact with you.

Because you took the initiative to end the relationship he probably didn't realise what he had in your relationship till it was over then it was too late to rectify it. Or in other words because you were the one to dump him he's a bit miffed at the bruised ego you gave him, sad but true were stupid w*kers like that

@ Laz, it is never too late if there are feelings and I still care very much about him. I can't do anything else but give him the space and time that he needs.

hi AndreaLuna,

I'm kinda dealing with the same kinda situation right now, although i never actually dated the guy I was about to when I realized what a player he was.

Anyway, I find that I've reacted very similarly in the way that you describe your ex as reacting; I cannot look this guy in the face and want to be as far away from him as possible--Im getting major creepy vibes and Im always wanting to get the heck away from him. Really not looking forward to having to see him every week--we attend the same youth group. I'm trying to try to forget this and move on, but my obsessive aspie brain won't let me.

My friend tells me I shouldn't be mad at him, since he technically didn't really do anything wrong, and that I should still try to be friends with the guy, although i don't think this will be possible for me. I think it might be an aspergers related issue but I seriously cant fathom being within five feet from the guy--I just don't wanna even have to look at him. So in response to your question, I'd say it's very difficult, at least for me!!

So yeah I'd say if I was in your ex's position I'd prob react the same way, although it doesnt seem like this is a hostile situation like mine. Im imagining he's just feeling really awkward right now and doesn't know how to react to this new experience--we aspies are like that--i know i don't know how to handle a new situation unless i've been taught how to handle one like it before.

Maybe you could try calling him and talking to him over the phone rather than face to face? I know I would much prefer this--it's much easier to have a heartfelt conversation, for me, when I don't have to see the person's face and worry about their reaction.

Hope everything works out between you two!! !

I'm still friends with every ex that hasn't lied to my face constantly or cheated on me.

@ lkathryn
I appreciate your input and you may be right when you say that this is new to him. He just does not know what to do. However my story is pretty different from yours because I am not a player and sincerely and deeply care about him.

Could it be that because he's an aspie he doesn't know how to express his feelings and is just feeling awkward and ashamed of the way he treated you (by being distant, or hot and cold, during the relationship), so he doesn't know how to act around you?

@ katzefrau
I did tell him a few times I care about him. I did not tell him I was interested in HIM and not just anybody to have a relationship with. NT thinking, I thought it is obvious, but perhaps not to him.

@ Bee33
I think you got it. I think he is ashmed of the way he treated me and I wanted to tell him I understand that for him certain things do not come naturally, but he shut me off so now I have no way to communicate with him. I was hoping to be able to talk face to face about the possibilty he has Asperger but he does not want to see me. What is the possible outcome of the way he feels right now?

Yes. I have been broken up with my ex for months now and we're trying to stay friends, but it's tough. I still can't see him in person (we talk online) and I also became obsessed with his daily activities...especially involving girls...to the point where I had to delete my Facebook.