New N/T Female...Please help

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You seem.. clingy. Not saying thats wrong, because it sounds like you're still in love with the guy.

Well, emotionally its not wrong.. but you're either leaving too much information out of your post or your making a huge mistake.

So a few questions...

Why does your therapist think he has aspergers?

How long exactly have you guys been broken up? From your post it seems like a month minimum.

By restart as friends, did he mean that he wanted to be in a relationship with you again? Or just have the friendship rekindled?

As in.. it made you hesitate to break up? or it caused you to break up? Also why break up in the first place? People sometimes stay in relationships for years without officially being diagnosed with aspergers, was there something specific about his behavior.. or yours that made you guys end things?

I'm an NT female in a relationship with an Aspie male too. Although my relationship is far shorter in length than yours. Some of what you've already done was probably too much and overloaded him sensory wise. But let's talk about what you can do now going forward. I would send him one more email and just ask if you and he can meet for lunch as friends to just catch up.

If he doesn't respond, then let him go. If he responds, then have the lunch and just chat. You really are starting over and then let him pace things from that meeting. If you meet and he doesn't bring up a second meeting, in a non-pushy way ask when you two can meet again. Since you need to specific about your needs with Aspies. The key with Aspies is to learn patience and let them have as much control of the situation as you can willingly give them. They need to feel emotionally safe.

You're coming on too strong and you need to ease up. Believe me - I learned this the hard way.

Good luck.

I agree, I'd also only give him one more email/call or whatever. Aspergers or not, this guy is either interested in trying to reconcile or he's not. If you manage to talk to him be careful in handling it when telling him he might have aspergers syndrome. (He may not) Be sure to list the reasons why positively and if he's responsive, possibly try and see if he's interested in getting diagnosed.

The bolded part is what strikes me most about your post, hon. You stated twice in two sentences how much you want to help this man. Hmmm....I get the impression you believe you can repair him in some way? I'm not optimistic about your chances in that area.

The real problem - as I see it - is his ambivalence about being in a relationship with you - or pretty much any other woman, for that matter. Whether its Asperger's or some other problem (psychological, emotional, sexual, etc.), he has chosen not to pursue intimate relationships for most of his adult life. By your own account, you've pretty much been the person pursuing him and the relationship. He makes plans, asks you to keep in touch, etc., and then there's no follow-through. Worse, he ignores your attempts to follow-through.

I believe you when you say he brought up future plans, but hon, his track record at keeping those commitments isn't exactly great, right? He stood you up for the wedding, and he even ignored your communication prior to that event. These are the actions of a man who is profoundly ambivalent about being with you. Asperger's could be a part of that, but if it is, its not something you can help him with. If he wanted to get help, you might be able to support him. But wanting to make that kind of a change in his life has to be his decision. Aspie men can be fine partners, but they really have to make the relationship a priority, because it does require some real effort. This guy can't even return your texts or emails.

I guess you could try to contact him again, but before you do, I encourage you to think about how much more time and energy you want to spend begging for this guy's attention. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Because there's no reason to think this guy is going to miraculously change. A diagnosis may provide some answers as to why he behaves in certain ways, but it doesn't provide any incentive for him to change his behavior. If he was worthy of you, he'd want to be with you. If he wanted to be with you, he'd give you his time. It just doesn't seem like this man is worthy of you.

I sure do.

First, welcome to our wacky forum. I hope we can be of some help. It has to be very hard not knowing what's going on with him.

For some reason, this sentence sticks out to me. It was you who were the one moving out. You never say why? I understand that living with someone with Aspie traits can be difficult. Still, he must have felt awful.

One thing about people with AS (diagnosed or not) is that they have issues of trust. He may have felt abandoned by you. If this is the case, it may be hard for him to trust you at this point (if it ever was easy for him to trust you in the first place). Empathize with him, even if it might be hard if not impossible for him to empathize with you.

I hope it goes well for you.

Wow, that sucks. I think that reaffirms my feelings/ramblings as of late I feel aspie men are incapable of love. I feel sorry for myself because of this and I think my future's screwed.

Seriously, I highly doubt that he had Asperger's. From the first description and from the timeline of the relationship, the guy seems to be just an uninterested guy, as opposed to an aspie.

Oh God, that's awful. I feel so bad for you, hon. He may actually be incapable of love, but who knows? At the very least, he wasn't worthy of you. It's a very tough way to find that out. I'm sorry - I know this is very painful.