I just can't read women

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I'm a 29 year old male who is enrolled in college right now. I'm trying hard to find a girlfriend right now, but I don't feel as if I come off as very smart, despite getting good grades and scoring over 120 on IQ tests regularly. I'm rather lonely and I want to find a date, but I just have such a hard time reading signals. It's so hard to gauge whether a woman is attracted to you in the first place, since women usually don't make it known verbally. I just have no idea how to flirt.

I did have one girl come up and tell me she thought I was handsome. But then she started dating another guy shortly after. It hurt me a lot. I still talk to this girl, in fact I've told her that I think she's cute, and she still talks to me after I told her that, so it seems like things are ok. I kind of regret saying it because she's dating someone else, but I just couldn't keep it inside (she did a meme on facebook asking for which friends thought she was cute). I have no idea though if she still finds me attractive. And to make it all the more interesting, I am really sure that she is on the spectrum, even though she hasn't told me herself.

I just feel like I need to move on from this girl and find other women who find me attractive. I just wish I knew a way to "filter out" so to speak women who would be interested in dating me in the first place, since I'm afraid to waste my energy on someone who doesn't like me, and who could damage my reputation if I make the wrong move. That's what makes it so hard for me to practice in the first place. I just wish I could learn the non-verbal cues that come with finding a mate.

jakeh3000,

Is that your real picture? (You are a little plump)

You are 29 years old and still in college. I assume that means that you have no money and don't drive a fancy car or dress like a movie star. You probably owe a zillion dollars in student loans.

So how are you going to attract the pretty "good time girls"?
Short story. You won't.

So can you attract the "nice girls" who want a husband?
More bad news. Not until you graduate and get a well paying job that shows that you are a good provider.

Sorry man, but them's are the cold hard facts.

Well, there are girls out there that are plump too. I think you're being way too cynical. Keep in mind that I have dated girls before.

Last edited by jakeh3000 on 07 Dec 2010, 4:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I also have no student loans at all to pay off. I'm getting quite a bit from financial aid grants.

I disagree completely; if you're a good person and interesting and funny of course you can find a nice girl.
& so what if you're a little plump?! I don't even understand how that's relevant to you getting a girlfriend, people come in all shapes and sizes!

Maybe join some clubs/common interest groups so you can meet lots of people.
It's a numbers game, you'll find someone who finds you interesting and attractive soon enough.

Many of us are not attracted to you (and I mean the general "you," not you, jakeh3000) "in the first place" but have to get to know you a bit first. Also, I have to agree with emlion and emphatically disagree with Wombat.

A new member posts his problems and you respond with abuse? There's a growing group of you people who seem to think it's ok to act in this manner with anyone who doesn't have anything happy or 'interesting' to say here and it stinks. Particularly with brand new people it could scare away. The idea of an AS support site is to provide support to people with AS, not just to provide a place for their happy thoughts.

Also, why do you all seem to assume about what type of girl they're looking for? Just because people are struggling to find love, doesn't mean they're aiming out of their league. Some of us have actual issues meeting (or realising) potential dates rather than attracting them.


I wish I could offer advice jakeh3000 but I struggle to!

It's annoying when a guy wastes his time on someone who doesn't want to be his GF, but it happens. Because of freedom of choice, you are never going to be able to get to know girls with the assurance that she will end up and stay your GF. At least if you get to know them you will have more friends, and meet more people.

Have you tried dating sites if you are worried about this?

Also Good luck. Don't worry about the first girl, just hold your head high and keep talking to new people.

you have no idea how to flirt. that might be your main issue, since the appearance isn't what matters to most normal people, my husband was a bit plump too when i met him, ( still is) and it has nothing to do with what i feel about him.
ok, i'm not a guy and i don't do flirting, never knew how to shake my hair and bat my eyelashed provocatively ( when did eyelashes become provocative anyway...) but i can tip you of on what might work with most girls.
AS or NT, i think what matters is the feeling of being relaxed in the presence of the other. So no drama, no freaking over water spilt on your new shirt, ( do act like it's a big deal if it's HER shirt though, even if she doesn't care one bit) , no murder or rape jokes, no going on and on about your ex, except to say she was a nice girl and it just didn't work out, ( girls pick up on things like "my ex was such a nag" and turn it into "i will never be allowed to complain about anything if i go out with him", stuff like that. "she was a b***h" turns into "he hates women and will call me a b***h once we're broken up")
remain on the light and fun side. if you do go deep, go deep about things that will create a connection. something she mentionned and seems important to her, like an abusive childhood, ( if you had one, allowed to share a bit too ) sympathise on these occasions. if she talks about her ex, be careful not to be too harsh about him either. just listen and nod mostly.
so how do you know if a woman is interrested? well as a general rule, i would advise to always assume she is interrested if she is still smiling and looking at you directly. fiddling a lot, looking at watch, looking at other people as if looking for a way to escape: not interrested. in those occasions you still have the option to say "i'm sorry , am i talking too much? "and laugh it off and ask her something about herself. this move has saved quite a few of the guys who were boring me on the moment and i gave them a second chance. but yes, being a man sucks, you really must feel as if you're trying to catch a soap bubble in your hands without having it pop at the last minute.
be funny. not too funny do not show TOO much interrest, let her think you like her, and you're surprised how much you like her ( don't say it though, it's rude) mention other people, other girls, friends, in passing, in stories relating to the conversation.
never let her understand that you depend on her liking you to be happy.

A lot of valid points here, I found when I stopped looking for a girlfriend, and just went out to meet new people and approached it with that attitude, I was getting 3-4 dates a week and wasn't feeling sorry for yourself. You rather quickly mentioned your IQ, is that something you're proud of? I never really "got" IQ's, myself, high IQ societies seem rather elitist and can be viewed as such by a lot of people. (I got into Mensa, but after going to one meeting or whatever they call it, I wandered off, not my way to spend a Friday night)

Guys like to find things to psych themselves out when it comes to ladies, looks, weight, etc, I found they don't rate anywhere nearly as high as we may think they do.

This. When a new poster comes on and posts his first post (I think it was his first post) about something we know fine can be a struggle for Aspies, in this case romance, it really sucks that they get a barrage of personal remarks in the very first reply they receive. What's with that? Quite unnecessary. Posts like Wombat's are a microcosm of the way in which this forum has been going lately. People acting the hard man/woman to make themselves seem bigger than anyone they see as weaker. It's practically classifiable as bullying. Who should necessarily want a pretty good time girl anyway? Especially when someone's struggling to find love, they'd experience enough harshness from a pretty good time girl as it is without remarks like Wombat's.

If you haven't always known how to read people, you won't suddenly be able to do so. All those guides about what certain body languages mean can be helpful, but if you have little personal experience in the department yourself you will be misinterpreting those signals right and left and the world as we know it would come to an end.

You can start interacting with more people and start learning to read them better, but in the meantime I would suggest being direct and being yourself. If you do think your ex was a nag, then be upfront about it. This would be better than if you just think it and mislead your date into thinking you're such a nice guy who's worth spending her time with. Not to mention that in the long run, the person you'd want to be in a relationship is someone who would accept you the way you are. We can't all hide behind a facade until death comes a-knockin'.

(FYI, I do not think "you're handsome" or "you're cute" should be taken as a sign that someone is interested in you.)

I can't either. They are really badly written.

And again.

Posting that meme on Facebook is something that stood out for me reading your post. It suggests she might be stroking her ego by trying to have as many people as possible tell her she's cute, in addition to having you tell her she's cute. Perhaps girls like this are more likely to play games such as building your hopes of a date up and letting them down, because they see themselves as being healthy, attractive and having a high mate value. I wonder if a girl's sense of self importance is the problem, but I don't know this girl. But typically a girl with a high mate value is going to have a more exaggerated sense of self importance because of how often she is complimented, told she's pretty and receives positive reinforcements from people. In the event she's on the spectrum, that wouldn't negatively affect a girl's mate value like it artificially might for a guy, since the guy normally has to do the approaching and the girl just has to, well, be approached. These are just suggestions as I don't know how high a mate value she is, nor whether she's full of self importance. Just that if she is full of self importance, that's a red flag.

This too seems a valid point, though it's not so much the high IQ societies that seem elitist to me. With relevance to how likely (or not) one is to attract a partner, it's girls who are highly educated who seem very elitist in my experience. Not because of IQ, but because of their potential in life, and so how much their heads are in the clouds because of it. Because their heads are in the clouds, they respond more harshly to guys if they feel they aren't their type. It made university very difficult for me as despite a very high IQ I don't always come across as intelligent due to typically Asperger narrow interests and restricted focus so I didn't feel intellectually on these people's level. Take it from me, IQ has not helped me one bit in finding a partner, it's not like it's a good predictor of jobs or earnings potential which is what's more likely to help in finding a partner. Again, if the girl seems to have a sense of elitism, it's a red flag.

From the sound of it, you're not doing too badly Jake. You have women who find you attractive and who still talk to you after you've expressed interest. Just keep reaching out there and meet more and more people. You'll eventually find someone you like who happens to be single and want to date you in return.

As far as reading people and acting appropiately, our aspie ways hurt us a lot here. You just have to react based on the little information you have, and continue based on your will. For example, if a girl you find attractive gives you an inviting smile. It might mean she wants to date you, or she might just do this to everyone. But who cares. First, it's an inviting sign, second, you'd want to date her, and based on those two facts, it's justified to make your move.

Disregard Wombat (of course). He's clearly not worldly if he believes your situation is so awful that any prospective girl would be turned away by it. I feel sorry for someone so obviously discouraged he needs to be this judgemental. Everyone has so many problems of thier own they couldn't care less about yours.