NT dating an aspie..

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Hi, this is my first post and I am not really sure why I am posting.

My girlfriend was recently diagnosed with aspergers and I am not sure what, if anything, I can do to cope with this. I want to be there for her, I love her very deeply, but I am having a hard time understanding what is going on in her head. I know that it has to be much worse for her, but I keep getting pushed away whenever I try to show how much I care. It is rather frustrating to be told that I can't understand, and even if I could, I would never be able to feel it like she does.

We have looked at the symptoms and I am trying very hard to not take things personally i.e the silence when stressed, the lack of any close physical contact outside of sex, and being so in-her-own-head it appears as if she doesn't even care about me. I hate even feeling like this, but it just seems since aspergers she is a different person and talks about finding the real her and she is happy she doesn't have to pretend anymore. This came as quite a shock to me, a shock she couldn't or didn't understand...I don't even know any more...I fell in love with a girl and now she is distant and secretive, dealing with something I cannot understand and I am powerless to help or even to know whats going on. The lack of communication is killing me and the less she talks about it, the more I think it isn't aspergers...that shes isnt in love with me anymore or worse, infidelity...even though I know that its hard for aspies to communicate it feels like I am being pushed aside.

I am just very sad since she found out. I feel like I am losing somebody who means everything to me and I don't know why. =(

any advice on how i can be there for her? what i can do to understand?

The first time you learn about anything, it's like it takes over your world. It takes a while for things to be put in perspective.

I can tell that you love her, and that you are doing your best to reach out to her. I think reading posts on this forum is a good place to get an idea of how people on the autism spectrum think. You might also later on consider posting more exact questions when things start to make more sense and you need more clarity. I recommend on watching films about people with autism such as Mozart and the Whale and Adam (my favorite). I also recommend reading memoirs by authors with autism such as Jesse Saperstein's Atypical: Life With Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters, Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison, and Temple Grandin's work. I also have a blog, as do many members here. My blog is primarily focused on autism related issues, and the link to that can be found in the signature.

I was once in love once, and I know how it feels, so I really hope that things work out for you. I wish you the best of luck.

very good advice from the posters above. i think the most important thing is that you haven't given up and are still trying to support her. she will most likely come around a bit and maybe open up more, but it could take her some time.

i know this maybe sounds counter-intuitive, but it might help to try to be there for her while maintaining a little distance. it can be hard to deal with a diagnosis while someone who cares about you is *thisclose*. she probably doesn't even know what it all means for herself yet, much less what it will mean in the context of your relationship.

you might want to watch one of the suggested movies like "mozart and the whale" or "adam" together. that might give her a context in which to say, "this is how i feel", or "i do that too".

Last edited by hyperlexian on 15 Dec 2010, 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Based on the issues you've written about, you may want to consider a bit of a break from the relationship - just so you can both get your bearings and figure out what it is that each of you wants.

It sounds to me like your problem is not necessarily that she's been diagnosed, but that her behavior has changed since her diagnosis. It sounds like prior to the diagnosis she was willing to "front" some NT behaviors because that was her understanding of her role in the relationship. Now that she knows she's Aspie, she seems to be embracing the behaviors that come more naturally to her.

That presents a very unique problem for you as her partner, because I'm sure that part of the reason you fell in love with her had to do with some of those behaviors that she's no longer willing to engage in (at least for now). At the very least, she seemed more willing to communicate with you....or perhaps your communication was more superficial - or about more superficial subjects? I don't know....it's hard to tell based on your post.

I'm also not clear about how you want to show her "how much you care," and whether she was more receptive to this type of behavior prior to her diagnosis. It's natural for an NT to want to communicate, show physical affection, be closer during a time of crisis - but those behaviors could be just the opposite of what an Aspie needs. Very often, Aspies need solitude in order to recharge, reduce stress, and work through problems.

I really think she needs to find her new equilibrium, in light of her diagnosis. She may be a very different person than the one you fell in love with, and you need to figure out what that means to you. For any relationship to work, both partners have to be committed to communication, and to compromise. Those attributes are even more important to the success of an Aspie/NT relationship. You can't cling to the relationship that you used to have, but in time, you may be able to forge a new relationship with her. And you may not.....I hope you can give each other the time and space you need to figure things out as individuals, and what that means to your relationship. Good luck.

Showing her this site might be a good thing. Say something like "I can't understand what you're going through because I don't have AS, but I found this website where you can talk to people who have been through this". Since I found out about AS, it's answered so many questions I had about my life. As my therapist told me, "support groups are wonderful".

I think that is a great idea. It also allows her to connect with other people going through similar experiences.

Frustrating, yes. Unfortunately, it's also 100% true. It's rather like her trying to understand stuff that only NT's can understand--it's just not going to happen.



As an AS female in a relationship, I can tell you that that is NOT it at all. She does care--it's just a matter of how she expresses that caring. I have been told the same thing by my bf (who thinks he may have AS himself, but for some reason is better at expressing emotions in general). Being "in her own head" is, to a certain extent, "safer" because there are no expectations from anyone else. I feel the same way. That doesn't mean I don't care about my bf.



That was a huge relief for me, too.



She is dealing with it in the only way she can: finding out more about it, seeing how the characteristics of AS describe everything she's been feeling her entire life, and processing it in her own time. Being "distant and secretive" is nothing against you at all--this is just what she needs to do in order to cope.



She is the same person. Even she may not realize this now, but she is.

The best way you can be there for her is to just let her know that you ARE there, when she needs you to be. She also needs to know that you can accept "the real her," without all of the pretense she may have been using until her diagnosis. That is a question you need to ask yourself--can you accept "the real her"?

I need time to myself. I may go a few days only talking with him via text/phone and be okay, because I am doing other stuff or just need to not be around anyone. That's still difficult for him to understand, but he is trying. At the same time, I try to meet him halfway, when I can, but it has been a slow process. I self-diagnosed last year and we've been dating for three years. I have always been like this since our relationship started--"it" just now has a name. It didn't make the way things are/were necessarily "easier," but it has made it easier for me to see how my AS behaviors could make it seem like I don't care. However, like I said, figuring this out has not happened overnight--it's still a work in progress.

I am not being unfaithful, nor have I stopped loving him. It's the same with your gf. She needs time to adjust and figure out how to incorporate having Asperger's into your relationship. You do too.

I hope I didn't ramble too much. I really think your relationship has a chance. It's just a matter of compromise on both sides and, eventually (when she is ready) communication. That's what has saved my relationship with my bf--we always talk about stuff that's bothering us and then deal with it. Again, that didn't happen overnight, either.

Zur-Darkstar's idea was a good one: show her this site. She can definitely get "coping" advice here.

Both of you take care. I hope this helped somewhat.