Signs of an unhealthy relationship

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BlueRoses made the following suggestion:

This is a great idea. Let's list warning signs that we have learned to watch for, so others do not fall into the same mistakes.

does myself always wanting hugs count?

First rule of anything: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is...

@Stevie, I don't think so, especially if the other person wants hugs.

And, sometimes, things that are too good to be true, sometimes end up working out beyond one's expectations. Miracles do happen.

Not in my life they don't...

Comments along the lines of 'music is my life' usually from a male - not always true, and not always just men guilty of this, but this sort of line is common from men who do not want to commit and thus will string you along or use you; they're telling you from the start that you will not be the most important thing in their life and so allowing themselves to act like jerks.

No respect for privacy - if they check your emails, IM's, ask about your mail, where you're going either when leaving the house or just going to the bathroom - they may be paranoid or overly protective, but that in itself is not healthy and something they need to chill about...with us aspies I think this is particularly unhealthy as we like our privacy and have too much weird behaviour we can't explain, lol.

Forcing you into anything - it goes without saying but it can start subtle and this is often how abusive relationships start, it's all about control. It starts as a bit of light-hearted talking you into doing something, or them maybe starting an argument or mentioning that you may not love them right after you say no to hugging or having sex with them.

Negative comments - I got comments like 'you're too thin, I like a woman with something to grab onto' from one ex or 'I wouldn't respect you if I did that' from another when suggesting something sexual, if you're not in a good place yourself or don't know that this is actually insulting then you will tolerate it when you shouldn't, so watch out for back-handed comments, criticism when not asked for, sexist comments that try to control your behaviour in a certain 'acceptable' way, or just outright insults.

Hitting you - another 'goes without saying' but abusive relationships tend not to start off with rape and beatings straight away, it's subtle, they do it once then apologise you love them or are dependant on them so stay and even if it doesn't progress the fact remains that they did this at some point, it was abuse, it's not a healthy relationship.

Cheating - I don't believe that because a person cheats they are a bad person, often people will cheat because they are unhappy with the relationship; thus unhealthy relationship, but it can be worked on and a couple can last a long time despite one or both of them cheating earlier on in the relationship. There are however those who cheat because they have zero respect for you.

Passive aggressive behaviour - they'll agree to go with you to an event but point out how much they'll dislike it or make a point to make you late or not turn-up when planned, they'll sit back while you do something wrong then make a point of pointing it out to you.

There are probably more, and better examples, god knows I've been in plenty of bad relationships...some good. Most things about unhealthy relationships you really don't see, the important thing is to have other people around you to tell you when something is wrong - talk to friends about everything in the relationship, even the stuff you're ashamed of (if ashamed, there is a warning sign!) so they can give an impartial view of the relationship and help you get out if needed. It's normal to lose friends when you go into a new relationship, but if a partner tries to stop you seeing friends or takes up all your time, there is another warning sign.

That's the one thing in the list I'll do. My wife drags me out to do a lot of her family evens when they hate me. Then without any other option refuses to have anything to do with my family. This generates lots of complaints from me when she tries to drag me to one more day wasting thing with her family. Although I don't try and sabotage anything.

As for constructive things I can add to this discussion, I don't know. I've never been in a failed relationship.

sometimes the other person wants hugs, but not as often as me

Hard to do when you have abandonment issues, trust issues, and/or paranoid personality disorder.

I don't think this is always the case. My best relationship didn't have any boundaries of any sort. We had no qualms about curiously reading e-mails or texts, because neither of us had anything we wanted to hide- total openness was what we both wanted. I'm an Aspie, and I don't need any privacy- I really don't like to be alone, personally.

That isn't an exception to the point - you had mutual respect for privacy you just chose to have been in a relationship where you were both open about such things - if you had wanted your privacy but your partner hadn't respected that, then there is the problem.

D'oh.

Sorry, I misread.

- not being allowed out without permission.
- not being allowed to see friends.
- threats.

Mistrust of the other with the opposite sex.

Though this can also just be a paranoid person.

I had no privacy at all with my first serious partner, who took it as read that she could look at my diary any time she wanted to. I'm not sure I'd do the same these days, but I didn't feel invaded at all at the time, and we were quite proud of having nothing to hide from each other. I'm a lot less idealistic these days, and would worry more about being too brutally honest, but the totally candid way didn't give me any immediate problems.

1. Generally, suicide attempts as a result of the relationship are not a good sign.

2. Nor are constant break-ups.

3. If your partner manages to isolate you from all your friends, that's probably not too good either.

I might come up with more later.