Love making question

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I've been anti touch my entire life, I'm 27, and I have a partner. We haven't slept together for about six weeks and I feel he's getting angry at me and thinks I'm making excuses about not wanting to do it but it bothers me to be touched etc.

I can't explain it to him that it bothers me that much, of course when I get some help, get tested etc I will get over it a little but I feel he's forcing me to be someone I can't right now.

Now I feel like the bad person for being me. Why can't anyone understand how hard it is to be like this. Whatever the hell is wrong with me.

He just told me as he walked off 'see, it's easier for you'. What the? No it isn't. I can't do a simple thing like look at him in his eyes because my body shuts down, yup it's easier for sure

Sorry vent over, just have no one else to tell, even though no one is out there to listen.

eta - sorry about putting this in the wrong section

Most of us here have had the experience of being misunderstood or questioned about our motivations. You're not alone. It's part of the "aspie curse" and something we have to work hard to get through. I'm 45, and I've found that it does get better over time, but I think it's important to try and explain your feelings to people and convince them that you're not being devious.

Does he know about your AS? With everyday acquaintances, I don't think you necessarily have to tell them about your AS ... just tell them enough to straighten things out with them. With your partner, though ... I don't know. Everyone has to decide that for themselves.



If you really care for him, and he really cares for you, then I think it's terribly important that communicate this to him. If he's a quality person, he'll make the effort to understand.



Oh believe me ... we understand. Most of us here have been through the same thing

Last edited by CaroleTucson on 16 Dec 2010, 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

I can see both points of view.
You shouldn't be together if he can't understand your needs - and it doesn't even look like he's trying to.
It's not fair on either of you.

To be fair, from my reading of the OP I am not sure he has been told what her needs are. If the situation hasn't been explained then you are expecting too much if you want him to figure it out on his own.

The fact that he is "bothered" that there hasn't been intimacy in the past 6 weeks implies that this is an unusual situation within the relationship. If this was the status quo why would he be bothered? If the relationship has been based on a false supposition to this point, namely that you are not "anti-touch", (and now you have just grown tired of pretending to be something that you are not), then it isn't really fair to get upset with him and accuse him of not caring about your needs as he has never had them explained to him.

On the other hand, if you have been open and straight with him since the beginning and he has just decided that the relationship isn't meeting his needs anymore then he isn't someone you should be wasting anymore of your time on.

i think i might have been a little hasty with the 'you shouldn't be together if..' thing.
i think you should talk it out honestly and openly - i think that's a much better idea.

personally, i couldn't be with someone who is rather anti-touch. i am with most people but with my partner i want them to touch me all the time. i struggle with 2 days without sex. >.<

on the upside, there are lots of people who are like you and don't mind not being touched/touching very much and maybe you'd be more compatible with one of them instead.

i think i might have been a little hasty with the 'you shouldn't be together if..' thing.
i think you should talk it out honestly and openly - i think that's a much better idea.

personally, i couldn't be with someone who is rather anti-touch. i am with most people but with my partner i want them to touch me all the time. i struggle with 2 days without sex. >.<

on the upside, there are lots of people who are like you and don't mind not being touched/touching very much and maybe you'd be more compatible with one of them instead.

sorry if this isn't written very well, i'm very tired and ill. D:

MidLife hit the nail right on the head.

IF your partner DOES KNOW you have these 'no touch' desires, . . . umm, with out asking to 'share' the answer....do you think he 'understands' why you moved out of the 'shared' bed ?

To just say "I do not feel like being touched" , while 'correct' for you feelings, is totally useless to a NT . . .the partner is now left to wonder, and guess, why you moved out/ why you no longer like being touched.
I'll give ya a little NT insight . . . he could wonder/guess : She doesn't like me anymore, I'm not good / good enough, she wants someone else but isn't ready to toss me out the door, I haven't done or said the right thing to keep her, I've done or said something to loose her . . .oh, it goes on and on.....

IF you have explained to him that the no-touch has nothihng to do with loving/not loving,,,but is due to 'they way you are', did you introduce him to 'information', like this website ?

IF you did, and he's not taken the time to learn . . .well, maybe it is a blessing in disguise that things end now rather than later....

Tell ya what, from other threads in this forum, I sense that now & then you may wish you were a bit more NT....I've also seen where the responses 'recognize' all the relationship crap that make a relationship difficult to follow . . .even for a NT . . . I hate these "I think she loves me....today" feelings. . .but then something happens, I don't know what, and sense she's pushing me away....and all the while, her words are "alway love..." . . .this confuses the heck out of me.... thank you for letting me vent.....

Speaking from a male perspective:

We guys tend to want to touch and demand sex a lot more than women tend to. To be honest, depending on a guy's level of experience, love making might just be expected.

Whenever I dated someone younger and much less experienced (or not experienced at all, even), I was always up front about that. My attitude (up front) was that "I care about you. You are a really sweet girl. But THIS is what I expect in a relationship, so please don't stick with me if this is going to be a problem."

I'm with emlion, here. "You shouldn't be together if he can't understand your needs - and it doesn't look like he's trying to. It's not fair on either of you." Exactly right, I think.

We male pigs in general just tend to be that way. But, truth be known, there are also lots of us guys who don't care at all for the touchy-feely-sexy thing. An unexperienced girl that I dated for a long time started going out with a younger inexperienced guy (I'm like, y0, what did I DO to this girl?). This guy got the shakes every time she tried to hold his hand. Kissing was something they had to work up to, and it took a LONG time. But she was the kind of person who enjoyed the physical relationship but didn't feel the NEED for it.

What makes me sad is this guy seems to have gotten hooked on a particular career path, whereas my ex has eyes towards home and possibly stepping up the relationship (marriage, kids, etc.). It's a shame because on a deeper level they are perfect for each other.

The point is I think you need to be with a guy who can relate to you better and who won't put all those kinds of demands on you, at least not until you are ready for those kinds of things yourself.

FYI: I've always enjoyed sex and touching, but I also suffer from being oversensitive. My first really serious physical relationship was with someone probably just as demanding if not more so than I am. So when she'd try to touch me in certain ways, she'd get really angry and upset when I'd stop her. I tried to explain "that just doesn't feel good to me," and she'd just do it anyway. Eventually I just got used to it, but it was never very fun. The woman I'm with now understands there's a time for certain things, so she doesn't drive me crazy like that particular gf did. The main thing, I think, in physical relationships is just being able to communicate your likes/dislikes, what feels good and what hurts, and not being made to feel ashamed of that. The woman I'm with now had a horribly abusive bf before me, and it took her a long time to realize that she didn't have to "perform" for me. While we both enjoy touching and sex, when we get right down to it we're both just "vanilla" kinds of people. I think there are reasons why you don't like touching. If you care (not saying you HAVE to if you don't want to) to get past those difficulties, start simple and figure out what kind of touches you CAN handle.

I agree with everything those before me said. You reminded me of the main reason I am against ever having a relationship even if I find someone I like.

I'm going to read the replies in detail this afternoon but yeah he does know my condition and says he wants to be there through all the doc appointments/tests etc.

He's been reading about meltdowns, he's been reading a forum that is written by NT and their AP partners. So he clearly knows everything.

Maybe he just forgot last night and was fed up. He did try and call me this morning but I didn't feel like talking.

It truly is easier to just be single, then I don't have to sleep with anyone! I feel so much more at ease when I'm alone, apart from having no one to hang out/laugh with.

I'm heading to the beach to chill my head and let my dogs run, then I shall return and read the replies

You ARE making excuses.
You need to talk to him about it.
Perhaps you should take things slower and more romantic.

Take it slowly. Candles, an oil burner, soft music. Perhaps a few glasses of wine if that will help you relax.

If you keep rejecting him then he will be hurt and go away. You can count on that.

Read the replies.

My communication skills suck big time but I am working on it.

Maybe I do need to be with someone who understands my needs a little better and can handle 'taking things slowly'. He's been at work all day so I've not really had a chance to speak to him about it and it's doing my head in.

[quote="indigo-oak"
Maybe I do need to be with someone who understands my needs a little better and can handle 'taking things slowly'. He's been at work all day so I've not really had a chance to speak to him about it and it's doing my head in.[/quote]

So cook him a nice dinner and serve it with wine and candles.

You can't blame him for your problems.

If you want him to be a gentle loving lover then the ball is in your court.

Yeah, and don't forget to vacuum and do his laundry and mend his socks as you gaze adoringly up at him and ask "is there anything else I can get you, dear?"

I'm not blaming anyone but myself, never said i was blaming him. He's been there for me when everyone else was walked away because I'm too weird.

Just asking for help on how to deal with the whole learning be close with someone who thinks differently to the way I do. Support from people who know what is it like.

@Wombat - your idea's are crazy. She shouldn't be expected to make him dinner etc. jeez, we're not in the 50's anymore...