A Romantic Aspie

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I am convinced more and more that I am a fellow 'aspie'. I read about Asperger's Syndrome today and found a link to this community so I decided to join. I have to admit this: after I signed up and posted an introductory kind of message, I immediately went to something that caught my attention; it was a singles thread. I was just reading another thread by a frustrated female aspie who was frustrated and thinking that she would never find a boyfriend. Personally, I greatly empathize with her. I wanted to tell her that although many NT guys go for the kind of woman she describes, the only physical trait on the list that I have a weakness for is long hair (at least shoulder length hair). Personally, I cannot stand women who I cannot have good, intelligent conversations with and don't share common interests with me.

I think I understand why I have only had one girlfriend my whole life (which was 15 years ago). I think that being an aspie has made me socially awkward, especially around women. I can make friends with women rather easily but I find uncomfortable trying to pick up on a woman if I am attracted to her. For the longest time I have wanted a woman to be the pursuer but that has never really worked. I even recall my sister showing me a magazine for teen girls in which a girl was interested in pursuing a shy and sweet guy and wanted to be the pursuer. For some time I thought that this was the way to go but I have come to question this. Is this really the case anymore?

I have to be honest with what I want in a woman. I want a woman who appreciates someone who is very intelligent, very sweet, educated, and takes care of herself. I want a woman who also is very accepting of people and is patient with their faults and is understanding of what it means to be a human being. I also want a woman who is very affectionate, cuddly, romantic, and really enjoys sexual intimacy (I would prefer to get intimate only if I was in love with her). I find woman who are intelligent very sexy and preferably liberal in their politics (I really cannot stand the Ann Coulter/Dr. Laura types! No offense but that is the exact opposite of my cup of tea!).

The interesting thing is that possibly being A.S. has put everything in a new perspective. It helps me to understand why I have been so awkward and shy around women. Now that I have met other aspies, I am considering tossing the NT world and concentrating on finding a fellow aspie to fall for. The good thing is that I am not all that shy anymore but the A.S. is still there! I am trying to find better ways of adapting to it.

I just don't like a lot of the women that other men fall for. A woman who dresses sexy, has a soft, giggly voice, wears make-up, just irritates me. I don't really desire sexy but I won't lie and say that I don't take notice of it. I really want a woman who appreciates me for who I am and will be faithful to me. She doesn't have to be gorgeous; just take care of herself and like herself and have some self-respect. I am just hoping that I can meet that in a fellow aspie.

Matthew

i feel the same way..

the bad news is that AS guys like you and me outnumber as girls 5:1 as far as i know..

Aspies of both genders have trouble learning any social skills so it wouldn't matter if they socialise 'differently'. You've said girls learn social skills earlier.. many aspie girls would just get excluded anyway so how can they learn if they aren't included? Perhaps less get diagnosed because less have it.. or perhaps they need to alter the diagnostic criteria to make it more 'girl friendly'- either way your theory doesn't make alot of sense IMO.

Well, I knew I saw it somewhere: "Like other conditions classified as autism spectrum disorders, Asperger's syndrome appears to be somewhat more prevalent among males than females, with males comprising approximately 75-80 percent of diagnoses. Many clinicians believe that this may not reflect the actual incidence among females; well-known Asperger's syndrome expert Tony Attwood suggests that females learn to better compensate for their impairments due to differences in socialization (Attwood, pp 151-2)."
(From http://www.mrsci.com/Childhood-Psychiat ... ndrome.php )
And with a little more nosing around: His article.

Males are perhaps more likely to express themselves in more noticable ways. ex. I was extreamily quiet and withdrawn so didn't draw attention to myself.. where as my [probable] aspie brother used to have outburts in between being awkward and clumsy. Who do you think got sent off to doctors? My behaviour was not distruptive so was not a priority. We don't 'compensate' for our impairments but perhaps social expectations mask them so we get overlooked.. that makes more sense IMO. It is socially more acceptable for girls to be quiet and submissive.. in boys this would be seen as a flaw to be 'fixed' so would get noticed more easily. The paper didn't actually mention the differences in socialisation either.. nor does it explain how an aspie can learn to compensate for social impairments when this 'compensating' would require not being socially impaired in the first place. Thats like saying more a blind man stares at a book the more likely he'll be able to see the words and start reading.

I agree with you that it has to do with the diagnostics being screwed up- I just think girls are expected to be 'quieter' than boys so an aspie girl wouldn't stand out as much.

I have been pursued by women before, usually those types who have had everyother guy drooling over them and then get attracted to me because I ignore them and this drives them a bit nuts, they aren't really worth having though, they only want you for the ego boost for them to have everyone lusting after them.

Women in fact do chase men more these days though. The thing is women a far more indirect in how they ask guys out, they will rarely go straight out and ask the guy for a drink, they will do it in some vague way that most men (even NTs) will miss because men and especially AS men will completely miss these signs. The problem is men expect women to be direct like men are and women expect men to be able to read between the lines like they can.

InfidelMatt...

There is a thread in this very forum by a young woman who says she is not the makeup wearing giggly type - and thinks she will not find a man due to this. http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... ic&t=13170 Maybe you two should talk

Oh man..... I think I am the perfect young woman for you dude. But sadly, I am not looking, and I think perhaps I am very very picky in what I want a guy to be, but I'm trying to work on that, or I will be alone my whole life. I dont think love exists in the way that I want it. It always seems like real love isn't all that great and that couples fight and complain, and I just don't see what is the point of it if its gonna be that way. I'm such a romantic and a perfectionist, and I think I have been brainwashed by the fictional ideal notions of love I have seen in videogames and movies, and now I see the real thing by comparison, and its like meh, what good is that for.

You say that you like the idea of women being the pursuer, but are you sure you'd actually notice if you were being pursued? The reason I ask is that my Aspie partner once said that no woman had ever shown any interest in him.

I knew him all through his last 20 year relationship (an unhappy one forced by pregnancy) and I know for a fact that there were several women over the years who flirted shamelessly with him, and he hadn't actually spotted it. He once told me he drove a girl home and she said she couldn't open the car door, so instead of reaching across her (which he, being a gentleman, thought may make her uncomfortable) he got out and let her out from the outside. He thought she was 'funny' with him after that. He was stunned when I explained that she was waiting for him to make a pass at her.

Because of his lack of confidence he always assumed that he'd be turned down, so he never tried.

I don't know any Aspie girls so I can't comment, but I do know that a lot of NT girls are very shy. And it's very rare to find a genuine man who is only interested in intimacy in a committed relationship.

You're a catch, Matt! Aspieness is attractive. I find NT men very dull and predictable. The best way to find a real relationship is to look for friendship first. When you have a comfortable relationship with someone as a friend, it's easier to take the next step.

Just out of curiosity, what exactly do you mean by "takes care of herself"? This is one of the many phrases I don't understand that haunt me.