Emotional Instability - help!

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I've had a rocky few weeks. I initially entered a relationship with an NT friend of mine, only to break it off on 4 separate occasions during this time but each time I've "broken up" with him around 2 hours later (while we're still hanging out) all my feelings come back and I change my mind.

It's like for a time I'm totally into him, and logically I can think of so many reasons to be with him, but then these sudden bursts of complete disconnection randomly come over me and I become 100% convinced that the whole thing isn't right, and I must break up with him straight away (rather than perpetuating something that is wrong). But then after I've broken up with him the feelings come surging back and it's like I'm a completely different person, and I'm shocked and upset at myself but I can't understand what's going on.

He's been extremely patient about the whole thing, and he's said that to him it's what it is, and he doesn't mind how I label it (if I need to label everything) but I feel like I've been horrible to him and the guilt about my behaviour (which I don't understand one bit - surely either I like him or I don't) is getting to me. I was wondering if this has happened to others beside myself, and if anyone knows what this means, or how to deal with it.

I can try to share my own story, which happened on the 23rd. If I can make you understand what happened to me, then you can decide if similar things might be happening to you. I'll try to be brief.

1. My father was the meanest rat that ever lived and he ruined all our Christmases until I was 17 (in 1967).

2. On Dec.23/2010, I managed to get airline tickets in Europe (snowbound) to reunite my cousin with her daughter. I found them and paid for them. It took about 6 hours. Now here's the part: the father had sent an email that he had bought the tickets, lost them, and told daughter to phone snowbound airport and ask them. This is typical passive-aggressive mean fatherly behaviour, just like my dad. Somewhere in all of that, I *projected* my own Christmases onto my cousin's daughter. I worked all night to get those tickets and by the time I was finished, I was enraged and wanted to get my hands on the father. Aha - see? I was doing the past and the present at the same time. I was doing the daughter, I was doing me at that age. etcetera.

Here's the good news - I found what I was doing. If you can find a projection and pull it back, then you are healed. And I am healed of the all the Christmases of my childhood and teen years. If I had not worked to find the projection, it would have stayed "out there" and I would have begun a life-long fight with her father, which is ridiculous and would ruin her family.

So there you have everything I can give you by way of "here's what happened to me, does any of it ring a bell with you?"

All the best - remember this time of year is very tense for a lot of people - even while it's happy.

But logic has nothing to do with it. Have you been in love? No logic at all. That's why it's heaven and hell. That's why Aphrodite (the goddess of love) is often portrayed as a real b***h who doesn't care if people are happy.

I don't think I can help you very much, but I can totally relate to how you're feeling because I do exactly the same thing. I think it's a really challenging thing caused by my AS.

I don't really understand my "feelings" at all, at least not the way that NT people do. I kind of have to try and understand them in words using reason and logic to try and explain them and once I do, I can say things to myself like "I must be in love", and then I act accordingly.

The problem is that my understanding is always changing, and this causes me to have "thought swings" which look to other people like "mood swings" because one minute I'm "in love" and then I think about it a little more and decide "I'm not in love, it must be something else".

I've really hurt some people this way, and I think it's probably my biggest barrier to having a stable relationship.

I kind of think the underlying feelings I have don't change though, so I'm trying to make up my mind about them and stick to it no matter what I think later.

I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you should dig down inside yourself and decide once and for all whether you want to be in this relationship and then stick with your decision no matter what your head tells you later. Then just let things run their natural course just like they do with NT people (I suppose)

I hope this makes some sense and maybe even be helpful.

Good luck!

Thankyou everyone. Claradoon, your first message is very helpful. I definitely have a tendency to do this, and I could see that it may be fueling some of the issues.

Grisha I think you've summed up the problem neatly. I can be very hurtful, but I can't seem to help it. I keep trying to make that final decision and stick with it, but each time I have broken it off with him I have been certain that that has been my final decision, and I have been determined to stick with it, but seemingly against my will I have found myself in his arms again (so to speak) every time. Maybe this means that I am meant to be with him (as I can't seem to not be with him atm lol my decision is sort of made for me).

Yes, if I have learned anything in the last month or so it's that love and attachment are not logical and can not be controlled like other things.

Do you have abandonment issues? Sounds like you are shoving him away and wanting to see if he will still stick around? Or maybe you are tired and afraid of being alone, or you don't want to risk that you are making a mistake by rejecting him?

I don't know you that well. It could be really anything. Do you really like him in that way or don't you? I think if you are being truthful with yourself, then you know the answer to that question. Good luck either way.

I found that when things first started out with my boyfriend it helped that we didn't put labels on things. Don't feel like you have to be in love, just take things one day at a time and make sure he knows where you're coming from. For me, the question I asked myself isn't whether I love someone (it's a horribly confusing term in the first place) but whether I was happy being with him and if I was then it was worth continuing. People here actually gave me some amazing advice about new-relationship-stress a couple of years ago when I first joined.

That sounds really annoying, as if you guys have good chemistry on one side but at the same time there's something - which you don't know what - that repels you once you're back in

I hate to break this to you but, this is pretty much the ledge where reason ends and instinct/subconscious begins. You can try rationally talking your core and trying to get your instincts in check but I really doubt that it will have any impact. If you think this feeling is something temporary that could disappear once you know what it is, great, stick with it. If not, I don't know if this is something you can actually change.

Thanks everyone as always for the advice.

Update is that things are going very well. I agree that it was definitely emotional baggage and preconceptions/perseverance on my part (I knew all along the problem was with me and not with him) and I think I've finally managed to overcome it. Spent a whole lot of time with him and I didn't break up with him once ( ), plus I didn't want to either. I think part of the problem for me was also the unexpected shake-up and not being used to giving myself over to my emotions, plus most of the other reasons everybody listed above also applied in some way.

I know now that I'm in this for the long haul (I've made the ultimate decision to do this, and I know I won't be turning back), I know what kind of person he is and the biggest mistake I could make would be walking away from this. He has been so good to me and there is so much I admire about him, plus I truly enjoy his company. That being said, I am not sure that I am worthy of him but I will do everything in my power to become so and I won't give up now that I have chosen this road.