Does this priority translate across gender lines?

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I think for a long time I can safely say that I've been looking for women with shared values, shared outlooks, ultimately someone I can share the best of myself with and in full depth. Someone who has a deep and elaborate core herself who's mind I can also take wonder in.

The question that I'm bringing up is this. I've noticed something odd in the dating world and just how things work out in general. When my friends do meet women who they have lots in common with, it seems like they realize it and - PING! they're gone. When I do contact people online its because I see a profile that amazes me and typically its when I see someone saying things about themselves where I am blown away at just how compatible we are. The funny thing about that though, I'm near zero for my response rate from women who think that way but - I'll get requests from women all the time who have absolutely nothing in common, ie. really big into watching team sports, listens almost exclusively to country, etc. etc., and often enough I get the feeling that when they read my profile they have no clue what anything is on it.

What I'm trying to figure out - am I crazy for wanting what I want? While I realize that some women will have the same priorities that I do is it too uncommon to count on? Is it perhaps just a matter that the girls contacting me are the same one's who'd chum the water with anyone (they seem to range all levels of attractiveness really) or is the way I'm thinking too inherently male to be realistic? I'm asking this honestly because I'm wondering about my own state of reality - whether I'm on point or whether I'm drowning myself in idealism that the world will never match me back on. At the same time by no means do I want to dictate to women who they are, just that I realize when I try to paraphrase other people's thinking to meet my own or to pretend its there seems to fall flat, so rather than guess I'd rather ask and see if I can get a better understanding.

This is just a wild guess because I don't have experience with online dating but...maybe it's an artifact of online dating. Since you are not in proximity with each other and have absolutely nothing to go on but text and a couple photos, maybe that skews things. I don't think that looking for shared values is an inherently male thing. But from what people say, there seems to be a certain randomness of response that comes from how little you can pick up about somebody from a profile versus a face-to-face conversation.

I think it could be an artifact but what's funny is my pictures are pretty close to what they'd get. I portray myself as a guy who's part virile part nerd, I mention that I'm into making electronic music, for my book choice I mention political philsophy, theology, or psychology related books, I'll also mention the other things I'm into but I would figure that most people would get a pretty distinct impression of my personality from reading my profile.

Possibly it is an opposite attracts thing, perhaps the person is intrigued with you. It can be difficult for aspies to find people on their wavelenghts too and maybe that is why there are statistically more replies from people who are different to you.

I've met plenty of people who liked that in theory and close to none who liked it in actuality. Its either fantasy projected and then drawn back up when the bubble pops or - 'I want them, I'll just change them into who I think they should be'. Both of those give me chills.

Hey, techstepgenr8tion

How about you post your online profile here so that we can critique it and make suggestions on how to improve it.
Obviously it isn't working for you.

What most people are looking for, whether they know it or not, is someone who both thrills them and is compatible with their personality type.

This may be someone they have a lot in common with, or it may be someone they have nothing in common with as far as interests and hobbies go.

My sister would occasionally point out men to me that she thought I'd like to date. She'd usually pick the nerdy, techy type who looked as socially ill adept as I used to be, because she thought I had a lot in common with them. She could never really understand why I struck down her suggestions. It was simple. They weren't my compatibility type. Usually not physically, and usually not otherwise.

On the other hand, she chose men for herself in a different manner. She had two requirements. 1. They be "hot" and 2. They not be creeps, pervs or @$$holes.

Whatever their hobbies and interests were, actually didn't matter. It was how they interacted with her.

http://i541.photobucket.com/albums/gg37 ... armtop.jpg
http://i541.photobucket.com/albums/gg37 ... bottom.jpg

The question's not so much 'will it get me laid?' but rather 'will it help me sort the way I want it to?'.

(edit: split for photobucket's resampling tendencies)

Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 06 Jan 2011, 10:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm kind of like you in the sense that I don't fit a stereotype. At worst when people see me they might think nimb, the girls who wanted cute innocent boys used to chase me, I was really into hard crowd, sly raver girls back then and even if I tried to give the more innocent girls a chance they found out that I wasn't who they thought I was, and poof - they'd either disappear or think that I was holding my inner Toby McGuire out on them, thus they thought I was scorning them for some reason?

It seems like I've just dealt with nothing but confusion here. The type I'm like can't see me, the type that sees the outward me gets it all wrong and then seems utterly closes-minded on who's really in here. Hence I think part of why I'm still single and why this is feels like rocket science for me. If I had a harder more urban look outwardly to my face, eyes, and bone structure that would make me think I was on the sly side, perhaps creative/intelligent but they'd think ecstasy dealer on first view - it would work. If I was Toby McGuire or Joe Innocent on the inside - it would work. How things like this come to be - I don't think I'll ever know, just that I can name of lots of things to myself that I know nobody who can relate to with or without AS.

Grow a beard?

I did that several years ago. Do you think it worked?
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak- ... 4817_n.jpg

Yeah, you still look a bit too 'clean'. Good looking chap though

What kind of girls are you looking for? You mention playing sports in your leisure time--that usually goes with watching team sports. I would think so, anyway. People may pay more attention to what someone does in their leisure time than what books they read or the people/things they can't live without. Frankly, in the beginning, that's what matters anyway, for most people. Just looking for someone to hang out with...time to learn about all the big stuff later. (I've never done the online dating thing, so that's just my guess.)

I don't know about the looks thing--you do look fairly clean cut, but I don't know why that would be specifically attracting the country music girls. (shudder) A lot of the ravers I know are also pretty preppy/clean cut, so maybe I'm just used to it. Maybe that's just OKC, though--we had a pretty clean scene overall. Especially the DJs.

Hey @techstep....kinda tired, so I didn't really read through your profile - but no, you're not looking for the wrong thing. Perhaps you should be more candid in your online profile? Find a way to incorporate some of the things you've said here? "I may look like a choirboy, but I haven't been to church in years," - or something to that effect. I don't know....I did like the beard, though (although you're fine without it, too).

I think you're just in the midst of what everyone who isn't permanently coupled is facing: the search for "the one." You really do have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your princess, so to speak. Perhaps you're too quick to disqualify some of the ladies who are interested? Sometimes partners' interests compliment each other very well, although they're not necessarily specifically shared between them. Sometimes partners have tons in common - that's no guarantee of a successful relationship, either. Maybe you should just start puckering up, and see what happens?

You're actually quite handsome. And I don't think you look hopelessly boy next door. I'm not really sure what a raver is supposed to look like, but if you let your hair grow a little more and put on a flannel you could definitely pull off rugged.

If you come across as shy and quiet then it must be your mannerism or personality.

This might sound kind of crazy, and I'm only suggesting because you express discontent with your image (not because you look like you need it..you don'r) but if you're really after a certain look that you can't seem to achieve, you might try an image consultant.

If you look at actors in various roles, you can see that the right tweaking can go a long way.

Some people have personalities that I find completely defy their outward appearance. I've seen thin, lanky nerdy looking guys with overbites who were actually quite popular and outgoing and "alpha males" in some respect and guys who looked like CEO's who were shy and reserved.

Speaking of looking clean cut. Some of you may remember a while back the girl who lied and claimed she fell asleep and woke up with stars tattooed on her face against her will. (She has recently confessed she did indeed authorize the tattoos). However there was a photo of the tattoo artist she was accusing, and despite his tattoos and piercings, due to his hair cut and glasses, he still looks clean cut to me.

I think you are a very attractive guy, and I don't think you are wrong in wanting what you do, or that there are not enough women out there who want the same thing. I just think that sometimes, it takes longer to find others who are truly compatible than we would like. I always wanted someone with whom I shared many of the same characteristics you mentioned, but one of the things I always felt would define our relationship would be that I would know them long enough as a friend to become comfortable with moving to more. I know that is a bit backwards from the way most people work, but sometimes, you have to work backwards if you want things to work differently than they always have.

Now I have found someone that I feel is truly these things to me. The most beautiful part of it all? Even though it took time, we were friends first

A word about dating sites though...I was on eharmony at one point and kept getting matches from all these guys who were so not my type. They were athletic, narcissistic, all about looks of their partners, etc., and I just couldn't understand it. However, after a few days I realized I made a huge mistake on the questionnaire. Where it had asked if I thought it was important that my mate be attractive, I interpreted that as attractive to me, so I answered that it was very important. Therefore, every match I received was attractive by most people's physical standards, not by my personal standards (which are more strongly based in intellect, personality, and sense of humor)...lol. I asked the company if I could retake the test because I answered the question wrong, or if they could fix it, and they said no, absolutely not. So it could be less about anything you have done to attract these women, and more an answer on your questionnaire. Unfortunately, if it is still like it was, you will continue to only receive incompatible matches with no way of changing your preferences.