How do you hit on women?

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Please let me preface this post by saying that I have NEVER hit on a woman, ever, at least approaching an attractive woman on the street/library/supermarket/whatever in hopes of getting a date.

It just seems so inappropriate and rude, and quite frankly, creepy, to even consider.

Nevertheless, I hear all the time about someone who met their significant other at a bus stop or a park, etc and given the fact that my experiment with online dating has been more-or-less a flop, I'm trying to consider other alternatives.

Is this something I should even consider? Ignoring the fact for the moment that I would likely never have the courage to actually do it.

If so, how do people go about it?

I'm really just curious about people's experience with this...

I hate the blatent type of come on like 'you look hot' or whatever;

But often it starts from just normal conversation say if you see a woman reading a book you've read, or looks interesting, you could comment on it and start a regular conversation which could lead to more.

Oh gawd, I can definitely tell this is something I'm not able to do.

Of course the "you look hot" approach is beneath consideration, but interrupting someone while they're reading is something I could never do either.

I hate the thought that women can't go anywhere without getting hit on by random strangers, I don't want to be one of them.

Is there some way to tell if a woman wants to get hit on? I know it happens, but I can't imagine walking up to a woman in a supermarket and saying "nice melons" or something like that.

Maybe a smile? Or extended eye contact?

Hmm I don't know for women in general but personally if I wanted a guy to talk to me I used to make eye contact, then look away, then look back a few times. It did work sometimes. Other than that i'd just talk to them first like 'oh it's raining again' - cliche but often worked for me. >.<

I try to talk to a woman as if we're already dating. Getting flirty and fresh early.

Keeps me from blowing it by overthinking.

Of course anything sexual is crass and creepy. I would just shudder and move away if some guy said that to me. But once upon a time (in my 20's) I was hit on reasonably succesfully in a supermarket. A man my age asked me where he could find soda, hamburgers, charcoal, chips. I pointed out the locations of these things. Then he said (more or less, memory hazy on exact wording), "you can probably tell I'm buying stuff for a cookout. Me and some friends are having one down by the river this evening. Drop on by". And I did. And it was fun. But that was the end of it.

In any case, it's best not to say anything that could even be remotely understood as sexual, but rather either a request for assistance or an interest in the activity she is doing. Or the weather. It's a cliche but it is something we all are affected by.

How can you tell if your approach is welcome or not? By whether she responds in a way that invites further conversation or if she is as curt and short as possible without being openly bitchy.

Which is to say that you'd feel you were acting inappropriately, or rudely, or being creepy if you were to even *approach* a woman you didn't know.. That actually sounds to me like pretty classic self-esteem issues, and that could be your whole problem to begin with.. Look...if you're sitting across a table from a woman and you don't feel like you deserve to be there, or if you feel like your very presence is an imposition to her, or that she's doing you a favor somehow, she'll find someone else to spend her time with. Period.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and figure that the very idea of an attractive woman actually wanting *you* to approach her out of the blue and express interest in her isn't something you can get fully your head around, so you don't even try.. Instead, you justify your refusal to participate in that particular social experience by acting as if you're doing women a favor by not exposing them to something so uncultured....

Does that sound about right?

If so, guess what...as crude and barbaric as it may sound to you, women dig it.

Yep.. For the most part, women like to be noticed and have attention paid to them, and if they're single, they don't mind for a semi-normal guy to look them in the eyes and smile and try to make a little smalltalk -- even if it's a bit awkward.. I know that's probably distrurbing to you because it kinda removes the one big justification you had for not doing it, but that doesn't make it any less true. They dig it, and if you don't do it, you're NOT doing them any favors...you're just screwing yourself out of opportunities and, frankly, they couldn't care less. You're not on 'the high road' here, friend...you're in the ditch.

Try this.. Next time you see an attractive woman that you think you might *eventually* want to be able to approach and talk to, keep glancing at her until she notices that you're glancing at her.. When she notices, just grin a little bit and look away.. You're trying to make it obvious that you *know* she just caught you eyeballing her..

Then just wait and kinda keep her in the corner of your eye.. She'll look at you again. She may even mimic what you just did if you catch her looking at you..

You don't have to do anything beyond that if you don't want to, but that should be enough to give you at least some indication that..yeah..maybe women *do* wanna be 'bothered' like that.

I don't. If I want to date a woman, I'll get to know her first.

That doesnt make any sense though... if i were in such a situation, i'd feel like I just creeped her out by doing that. Isn't the idea to not make someone uncomfortable?

edit...hang on...

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

The more I (over) think about it, it probably is just a self-esteem issue.

I just can't conceive of someone actually wanting attention from me, I think I could manage to pull it off if I didn't have this monkey on my back, but when I'm out in the world I just feel like a total freak of nature and I'm sure this is how I come off.

I'm tall, reasonably good looking, I have all my hair, I'm in great physical shape, I am completely independent with an outstanding income, I dress well, I have a black-belt gay hairstylist, and a Mensa IQ - there is no rational reason why I shouldn't be at least minimally attractive to someone - then why do I feel like such a f*cking creep?

Ok, so perhaps you and the OP *both* have self-esteem issues..

And?

How *you* feel a woman might feel if you glance and smile at her has, in reality, little to do with how women feel when guys glance and smile at them. Your own poor self-esteem changes nothing about the way things work except that it makes it very, very difficult for you to "play the game," as it were. The simple *fact* of the matter is that women like it when guys pay attention to them, and that's completely irrespective of whether you accept the idea that they actually like it or not..

They just DO.

Yes, in fact, exactly right. (see my previous post)

Your suggestions sound great, but I get nervous just thinking about it, I'm afraid I would faint or something. I think my anxiety level in this situation would be far too high to pull it off - I really wish I could explain it...

I like it too! A few weeks ago I was leaving the local bookstore that I frequently haunt and some really cute girl smiled at me and said "hi" when I was leaving. I was floating 2 feet off the ground for the next couple of hours-it only lasted about half a second but I still remember what it felt like - so much better than the tear gas/pepper spray I usually get...

@Toad - I know exactly how you feel, I just wish I had some f*cking clue what to do about it... Getting your aesthetic/material sh*t together is an absolute necessity, but it's not enough, at least in my case...

Ok, so here's the thing...there's a reason I was able to pinpoint this so precisely.. It's because I've been there before. I don't say this often at all, but in this instance, I know *exactly* what it's like to believe -- logically -- that you've got your sh*t together enough to attract a mate, and to want one, but to be held back by the idea that you're totally unwantable.

Believe me -- it can be overcome. And once you get over the belief that no woman could ever want you and actually start *actively looking* at every woman as a potential mate (the way NTs do, basically), you *will* find that you start getting hit on. A lot. You'll notice women looking at you, smiling at you, talking to you randomly, etc.. It won't take long before you feel confident enough to return a few smiles, and before ya know it, you'll be initiating it..

I would like to point out that, for me at least, “hitting on someone” is very different than starting a normal conversation with someone. For me “hitting on someone” involves saying or doing something with a direct sexual connotation, like the aforementioned, “Nice Melons” or “Hey, baby…” etc. and I would like to ask all the lonely, heart-sick guys out there to please, please, please, NEVER do this. All it does is make me feel extremely uneasy and anxious so that I run for the hills at the earliest opportunity. It makes me queasy to imagine that any girl would actually like this sort of attention (Although, I suppose it’s possible that some hyper-NT girls with severe self-esteem issues might) and when guys do this repeatedly with an I’m-so-great-the-girls-love-this attitude I find myself wanting to knock some sense into their heads with a sledgehammer.

Now, just approaching and talking to a woman you find attractive is different. If you see someone you like and want to get to know I would highly recommend just starting a regular conversation with them, perhaps smiling more than you ordinarily would. If you are uneasy starting conversations with people you don’t know I would recommend practicing with people you aren’t interested in (so no pressure) to get comfortable with small talk and see what seems to produce a positive response. I think asking about a book someone is reading is OK, also maybe complimenting someone’s cloths, jewelry, or pet (if, say, they are walking a dog). I think it’s hard to get a date this way because usually these sorts of encounters simply don’t last long enough even if they are positive, but who knows? Maybe something will work out.

Edit: Sorry this is a little out of sinc, about half the posts on this thread weren't here when I started my little rant. I agree that self-estem is very important and I think that once people see of themselves in a good light the rest will be easier.