People of the Spectrum: Do we 'owe' each other anything?

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Are there any unwritten codes about how men and women with ASD should treat each other? In other words, should we cut each other any extra slack in relationships?

This past spring, I briefly dated a guy with AS, but he didn't treat me very well. To name a few concrete examples, he made critical comments about my hair and how I dressed, once told me in public that I was a horrible kisser and needed remedial kissing lessons and did things that just generally made me feel he didn't think I was worth his time. (ie, declining invitations to get together for weeks at a time and consistently cutting phone conversations short because he always had something else going on that was more pressing).

It was very hard not to take some of his behaviors personally, but I knew that some of the issues, like his blunt communication style, were AS-related and wanted to be patient. (I'm not always very easy to get along with myself, afterall). I really liked the guy (he does have a lot of good qualities, too) and wanted to try to continue getting to know him better. But, one day he announced that he was moving to California in a few months, so I thought it would be best to call it quits at that point, although I didn't really want to.

Since then, we have kept in touch occasionally, and I have tried to stay on friendly terms. It still hurts me to talk to him and even hear his voice, though, so part of me would rather make a 'clean break.' But, he has told me a number of times that he has trouble making and keeping friends and it bothers him a lot. So, I don't want to be one more friend he loses. But, it's 9 months later and he never did wind up moving to California, so I feel like he may have just said that to get rid of me, anyhow. (?)

Yesterday, he called me at work out of the blue (yes, at work) to see how I was doing. I let him know I was busy and couldn't talk, but he launched into this whole thing about how he is worried about his life and afraid of dying alone, so I felt really bad and decided to listen to him for a while. It sounded like he needed someone to talk to. But, over the course of the conversation, he told me how he was getting ready to go on a date that night and how he was hoping it would work out because he really likes this girl, she's so great, etc. Well, at that point I got all huffy with him and thanked him for calling me up at work to tell me about his date, then said I wished he'd just kicked me in the stomach instead.

Do I have any obligation to be supportive and someone for him to talk to at this point? The logical part of me thinks a hurtful relationship is just a hurtful relationship, regardless of the individuals' diagnoses and it's best not to let things drag out. But, I feel like I should treat a fellow person with ASD as kindly and patiently as I would want to be treated myself.

Do you think mean and women on the Spectrum are morally obligated to show extra understanding to each other?

Note: The individual described above does visit this website. Although it's a big website and the odds are that he will not happen upon this one particular thread, please be sort of gentle and kind in your replies. I'm just confused and don't have too many people I can talk with who will understand where I'm coming from, so I'm just looking for advice right now, not to cut this guy down to complain about him. He's a good person, but just doesn't always think before he speaks. Thanks!

I don't think you should put up with anything you don't want to. Both me and one of my nephews have AS we are really close in age. His parents were more "understanding" of him and he is kind of rude and obnoxious. My parents aren't originally from this country so they weren't as understanding about something they had never heard before. I was forced to be polite and "act" somewhat normal. I think maybe if you can get away with stuff you won't change. My nephew D, doesn't like it when people are rude to him or blunt with him. If I talk to him how he talks to me he says, I'm being rude or mean.... So I think it works both ways.

Although I am thoroughly unqualified to give you advice in your specific case, I can say that there's a difference between having AS and being an ASS - and it looks like you're dealing with both.

In the case of the former, yes, you should cut him some slack, in the case of the latter, absolutely not - it's up to you to decide which is which...

Maybe you guys are right about that. It's not like me being a whiny martyr is doing him any favors anyway.

*edited for spelling: oops

Last edited by blueroses on 31 Dec 2010, 11:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

he should take your feelings into account too.
he can't just disregard them because he has AS.
maybe he's used to people giving him leeway because of that?

I have to ask, and perhaps you need to ask yourself, what do you want from this guy? Do you want a romantic relationship, or are you fine with a friendship? the next question is what does he want from you?

He could have been calling you because you agreed to be friends and he was seeking advice and understanding from you as a friend. He could be telling you about his date to see if you were still interested in him (a very unclassy thing to do).

Here's the thing: bad manners are bad manners, whether or not you have AS. And I think it is very observant of you to see that he doesn't think before he speaks. But these forums are full of problems caused by people who act without thinking.

A question might be how do you confront him on these issues? Being he doesn't think and he has AS, I don't blame you for being leery of confronting him; he might lash out.

My personal opinion, when some says in public (or even not in public) you were "a horrible kisser and needed remedial kissing lessons" it is a definite deal breaker. But you have to decide for yourself what your deal breakers are.

Morally should people with AS be cut more slack. Perhaps. But that means going the extra mile, not the extra light-year.

Hmm, I wouldn't put up with half of that. I guess if the highs make up for the lows. Did you communicate to him how those things he does made you feel? I think with aspie-aspie relationships you need a lot of communication. My mum and dad gave me a lot of great examples of two people not communicating and expecting the other person to understand them. You need to say 'this thing x you do, makes me feel y, so how about you do z instead, and that would be much better'.

Obviously he's a little bit behind on the diplomacy skills, what with the telephone thing. He could just politely say that he's not in the mood to chat. Maybe you could suggest that he do this, instead of curtly cutting you off.

And tell him you think him calling you a bad kisser in public is not on. And if he's a reasonable chap, he won't do it again.

I think you do need to be a bit more forgiving of aspies than NT people.

Last edited by Moog on 31 Dec 2010, 1:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you hit the nail on the head. He has done many things that have bothered me in the past, but the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, was hearing him tell me about this other girl and how much he liked her. I think that is a pretty human reaction and I would feel that way about hearing anyone I used to see talking about his new girlfriend; it has nothing to do with anyone's diagnosis.

It's not fair for me to say I'd like to remain friends, then flip out when he talks about new relationships. I guess I just didn't realize how much it would bother me until it actually happened. So, if I do owe him anything, it just to be honest and direct with him, especially since he seems to have difficulty interpreting boundaries. Thanks for your insight; that was helpful.

And that's another problem that I know I have. I don't interpret boundaries until I have well crossed them. Usually it's too late by then. I need clearly defined boundaries, and he might need the same thing. Once boundaries are defined and respected, they can be negotiated and redefined later.

If you don't like someone, don't put up with them. If you're willing to put up with someone's issues, then so be it. But base this decision on the individual, not their condition.

If an Aspie girl treated me like crap, I'd dump her, just as I would if an NT girl did the same.

+1

It sounds like he was a fair weather boyfriend...he wanted you around when he had no one better to hang out with, and when he started getting tired of you he started acting like a jerk. Stuff like saying you were a bad kisser is deliberately being mean; things like talking about his "now" girlfriend/girl he likes might just be lack of thinking. If it pains you to talk to him now, it is best to cut ties with him. It's nice of you to try and be friendly towards him, but when it is at a point when it's bad for you, it's time to stop. He's a grown man and can take care of himself.

No-one should have to deal with put downs, especially in public - not now, not ever.

It's not hard for someone with aspergers to learn its not approprite to tear someone you're dating to shreds. Don't be supportive. That guy seems to be openly an arse, and don't let him come crawling back.

Saying "you're a bad kisser" in front of people would have made me dump him on the spot.

Do you still have romantic feelings for this guy? If so, does he know you still have feelings for him? You should know he's probably not going to figure it out unless you tell him. Talking about the other girl sounds like he was confiding in someone he thought of as a friend, and he's not socially savvy enough to think "Hmm... talking about this with an ex girlfriend might not be such a good idea". Did he break up with you or did you break up with him. If you initiated the breakup, he may have concluded it's because you DON'T have romantic feelings so he feels safe talking to you. Either way, if it's making you uncomfortable to talk to him, you probably shouldn't. It's nice to make an effort to be friends, but it sounds like you're in more of a platonic romance than anything else, and that can be very painful.

As far as the public insults go, that's very lame on his part. Of course, over the Internet we can't rule out the possibility that he is severely impaired enough he literally can't control what he says all the time. It's much more likely he just doesn't feel like censoring himself and thinks since you have AS, he can get away with not controlling his own. That's a good reason to break up with the guy right there, and also a good reason to not be friends with him either. You don't insult your friends in public anymore than you do your girlfriend.

Just to follow the golden rule. I owe anybody just as much as anyone else.

You're right and, speaking of which, I realize I should have never even posted about this here, just in case he might have seen this thread.

That was an error in judgment on my part and I feel horrible.

I mean, I'm not the easiest person to get along with myself and I wouldn't want to come here and see any posts referring to me. At the time I felt like I needed advice, but obviously I should have just spoken to a friend instead.

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