Why should I have self-esteem?

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, I've got major self-esteem issues but I honestly can't think of one reason why I shouldn't, at least when it comes to my prospects with the opposite sex.

Perfect example: I had a client a few months go where I spent a lot of time on-site. There was this one woman who I thought was totally awesome - intelligent to the threshold of neediness, close to my age, and mega-attractive (at least to me).

We made a few business trips together (just us) and the time we spent together just further confirmed my impressions of her.

One day she asked me if I wanted to take a walk with her around the lake in our office park, she had kind of made sort of suggestive comments to me (romantic NOT sexual) that kind of made me think there were some "overtones" beyond simply taking a break.

This kind of freaked me out, we started walking and I started to get real anxious about finding something to say, so I ended up totally "Aspying out" on her. I spotted a turtle and ended up going off on my nature/animal "special interest"

I told her how many species I'd seen there, how you can tell the difference, which ones were native and which one's weren't, I showed her the place where you can tap your foot and make a huge school of Gambusia sp. jump out of the water like a thousand raindrops, where you can feed a catfish by hand, where a pair of red sliders just had babies, and where the babies hid...you get the idea. I knew it was wrong at the time, but I was so nervous that once I got started I couldn't figure out how to stop.

I went back to my office feeling like a total freak and hating myself.

The point is: I live in a different world. I can't see the world the way I'm "supposed" to see it no matter how much I want to, and this "glass wall" is always going to exist around me.

It doesn't matter how "conventionally successful I am, how well I dress, how much I work out, how much money I make, how good looking I am. Sooner or later every relationship will hit the glass wall and get smashed to pieces.

Women want someone to look up to, someone who is confident, outgoing, smiles a lot, dances once in a while. Who looks at a lake and sees a tacky man-made lake in a generic southern California office park, not some freaky Aspie Disneyland.

They don't want some stone-faced man-child and his f*cking turtles, and I certainly don't blame them.

Of course you should have self esteem "issues". The people that have very high self-esteem are that way because there is nothing left to fix, since they are already perfect.

There's a lot of amateur psychologists out there who call high self-esteem a "choice"

Sorry, it has to be real.

Honestly, I think your half-right.
Fine I guess NT women may not find that attractive, to be honest I don't know, they seem to live on another planet to us
However, other people with different disabilities seem to enjoy some of the bizzare aspie quirks, I mean fine i'm male but I would be fascinated by what you talked about, though thats just me

Because you'll have a happier life with it.

I don't know you very well Grish, but I really don't think there's that much wrong with you.

What this post tells me is that you have a problem reacting inappropriately when nervous.

So you panic and 'aspie' out. That's correctable.

Next time you notice yourself aspie-ing out, retake control. Even apologise, tell her that you get a bit 'odd' when nervous, she might find it endearing. She can put you at ease. At least she'll know what's going on. As it is, she probably just thinks your obsession with marine life eclipses your interest in anything else, including her.

Maybe examine what the panic is about. What's the worst thing that can happen? Are you panicking because you fear panicking?

Moog, you're right as usual, how did you get so wise beyond your years?

I think my panic is sort of an existential thing I think: I got suddenly thrust into a situation where I was way in over my head socially, like being thrown into the deep end of a pool in order to learn how to swim.

Normally I could handle it, but this time the (perceived) stakes were so high that I looked around desperately for something to keep me afloat and I seized on the thing that was most familiar to me. Once I had started I couldn't figure out how to get out without revealing my AS, which rightly or wrongly I assumed would kill my chances with her - the quintessential Vicious Cycle.

Maybe if I had a little more trust that she might be a little understanding about my AS I could just sort of laugh it off.

I have this perception that women are so hyper-critical and unforgiving that even the tiniest social mis-step will result in summary rejection followed by merciless public ridicule, this can't possibly be true (at least in most cases), but it is very real to me.

Did she act freaked out? If she didn't, she may have been confused by the turn that the conversation went but she did stay walking with you? didn't she?

If she stayed and didn't make an excuse to go I don't think you totally blew your chances. Perhaps to explain to her that you talk a lot about nature when your nervious as another poster said, and see how it goes.

That seems like a very natural reaction.



Some are, some aren't. Those that aren't are not worth your time or attention.

Did she continue walking with you? If so, like LostAlien said, you didn't blow it. I agree that you should explain to her that you got nervous and started talking about a favorite subject in order to cope. See how that goes.

Then, later, if you and she continue to do well interacting, maybe then you can explain what AS is. She may actually be very understanding, but you won't know until you tell her.

If she isn't understanding, then, IMO, better to find out now rather than later.

No, she didn't run away screaming, but after that things were very different.

I asked her out to a very casual lunch after that, things co-workers do all the time, be she declined saying she "brought a lunch" - I later found out that she didn't.

That's all I needed to get the message... trust me, I f*cked up.

I don't see the issue:



-Your good looking

-You have a good job

-You are a good person.



What girl wouldnt be into Girsha. Shoot I would marry you if I was a chick. In fact, I have a 23 year old cousin just dying to meet you.....

What's your cousin's name?

Too much time on my hands. Thank you



It's funny, but I think we set things like that up. If you expect something of someone, they seem to fulfill the role. Bit spooky. Law of Attraction.

Wonder Women

Your internal dialogue is probably repeating a thousand times a day:

"I have low self esteem"
"Nobody cares about my lame interests"
"It doesn't matter how hard I try I'll always fail"
"<Insert negative self assessment here>"

In their own minds at least. A great many people who think they're God's gift to the world have all kinds of fall-downs but they have a knack for something we don't, lying to themselves incessantly and not having their subconscious reject it. They feel it, they radiate it, and it doesn't matter if they're full of s---.

I think our biggest challenge is that we've legitimately been through very hard times, particularly being singled out, told we weren't ok, and told that we need to trust other people's judgments vastly over our own. To be able to do this effectively you need to have never been through abuse, a few fights at worst but it seems like if you ever had to monitor yourself at any serious level, people see that you're reserved and see that you obviously went through 'something', even if you seem to show a fair amount of self-assurance. Seems like any sign you show that you ever in your life were unpopular - or at least willing to admit it to yourself - seems to taint the whole mix.

People who think they're useless and incapable of happiness and success have a knack for lying to themselves without having their subconscious reject it. Our minds set barriers, but anyone is capable of reaching the heights that they believe themselves capable of.

History is filled with peasants who rise in power to become Emperor.