Hi all! First time poster, long time lurker. I suppose before I go any further I should introduce myself. I'm a college sophomore in the United States; and I've never been in any sort of romantic relationship. What's more, I've felt strong attachment to women. I should add that while I haven't been diagnosed with AS many, many people in my family have (or show enough signs). While I show many signs I'm also able to look at myself as an outsider and observe and reflect upon my actions (or like thereof) more than my family members. This is a gift and a curse. So, like I said, I have felt attachment to women but have never been in a relationship - likely because I have a hard time reading cues in the moment. Some of this surely is due to my inexperience but not all of it.
Looking back on the last few years, I see myself having missed several chances with love (even if that "love" would only have been one night's passion). For example, I was on a trip with a college club and the hotel rooms were co-ed. Early in the night I got myself up to use the restroom and came back to find a girl in my spot (she had been on the floor with blankets, pillows and a sleeping bag). Too tired to make a stink, and too well aware that the floor offers little comfort I got into bed next to her. Afterward, friends were wanting to know if anything happened between us. No, of course not. Of course that's not what she wanted, I assured myself. I actually knew this girl had a "thing" for me. Still, I did not act. Perhaps this can be chalked up to inexperience. Maybe though, if I had put the pieces together before we stopped talking to me, I would have realized this about her before she got into my bed. Here's another example (and if these are boring or the writing too terrible feel free to skip ahead to the next paragraph): over the course of a weekend several months ago I was invited to a friend's party. Now, this was a party thrown by our mutual friends and while I call the birthday girl a "friend", in reality we had only met twice...but I knew much about her from talk amongst our friends. I digress. So on the Friday night (the night of the party) she seems to focus her attention on me. She's totally "my type" and from everything I know, I want to get to know her better. We make conversation and she laughs at all the right times. We are, what some might say, flirting...although this is just regular discourse for me. The next day we are again accompanied by our mutual friends and things progress more. She is touching me and again focusing her attention toward me. Confused though and having absolutely no interest in making a mistake I do not act at all. Even as she details to me some private information (sexual things). Later, this fills me with regret. What was I to do at the time? I do not grasp the mores of courting and relationships. That isn't to say I don't have any female relationships. On the contrary. I have a much easier time sharing my thoughts with those of the opposite gender; however, I probably go to fast and end up "friend zoned" soon after meeting. My only other example of me "blowing" a "chance" involves me at a fraternity party (not my cup of tea but I had been invited to go and it offered an escape from my only other plan - sleeping early). There, at the party, a female who I didn't know came up to make and began making contact but I froze. To make a long story short she soon went upstairs with another man.
I would love to hear any advice you could offer a young AS man who sees himself much the same way as Charlie at the end of Keyes's Flowers for Algernon. If you have any questions, please ask. I'll be around all night.
09 Jan 2011, 8:47 pm
