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Advice with AS girlfriend

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rako
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10 Jan 2011, 8:50 am

First a bit of context I've never been diagnosed with AS but since meeting my girlfriend (who has been diagnosed with AS for a while) I have realised that I have many of the traits and may have mild AS myself. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year, we met in high school and I have recently finished my first year of university.
My girlfriend went through a bad depression last year which she seems to be doing a lot better.
My problem is with touching at the moment there is very little physical contact which we have talked about basically I want to be able to touch more and she is unable to handle it. At the beginning of last year things were going really well (With physical contact)until I started attending university and gradually she didn’t want to see me as much and she became less and less comfortable with touching this was the stage where she became more and more depressed so it seemed understandable that she would push me away. She went through treatment and recovered what I thought was quickly the problem was that touching did not and I don’t think I handled that fact well and I guess I made her feel really pressured which I regret. We had a talk and decided that we needed to start the physical contact from scratch and slowly build up again to what we had.
It’s currently hard for me and I’m feeling really confused. Since the talk we have only kissed once and that is over a month ago now.
I feel really conflicted the time we spend together I really enjoy and I feel like she is the only person I have ever really been able to connect with. I just don’t know if things will ever be the way I want them to be. And I don’t know how long I would have to wait.
I wish I could just forget about my stupid hormones and concentrate on what we have but it’s creating a barrier for me and I don’t know what to do.



jamesongerbil
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10 Jan 2011, 9:55 am

It is really hard, and those issues can be painful. She may want to touch you as well, but can't. I have the same problem. My fiancee wants to caress me, but some areas of my body are ridiculously sensitive, while others aren't. Also, I respond more to deep pressure, whereas light pressure is also annoying/painful. Hang in there!



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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10 Jan 2011, 12:16 pm

rako wrote:
. . . I really enjoy and I feel like she is the only person I have ever really been able to connect with. I just don’t know if things will ever be the way I want them to be. . .

Concentrate on that. If I could go back in time and just have a dinner with an ex-girlfriend, wow, what a gift. Yes, at this point, you're going to basically need to let her set the pace, even to the point that if she suddenly wants to go fast, you need to put the brakes on and suggest going medium, and that turnaround might be pretty healthy, and then thoroughly enjoy and savor going medium.

And, as far as advice from one guy to another, although a few years older than you, I do well remember being in high school and college, I would recommend that you not feel the least bit guilty or embarrassed about masturbation. Guys will say that it's uncool or unmasculine and this and the other. And they're just mistaken! I kind of view it as athletic competition, both good practice and valid in its own right.



Arman_Khodaei
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10 Jan 2011, 6:57 pm

rako wrote:
First a bit of context I've never been diagnosed with AS but since meeting my girlfriend (who has been diagnosed with AS for a while) I have realised that I have many of the traits and may have mild AS myself. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year, we met in high school and I have recently finished my first year of university.
My girlfriend went through a bad depression last year which she seems to be doing a lot better.
My problem is with touching at the moment there is very little physical contact which we have talked about basically I want to be able to touch more and she is unable to handle it. At the beginning of last year things were going really well (With physical contact)until I started attending university and gradually she didn’t want to see me as much and she became less and less comfortable with touching this was the stage where she became more and more depressed so it seemed understandable that she would push me away. She went through treatment and recovered what I thought was quickly the problem was that touching did not and I don’t think I handled that fact well and I guess I made her feel really pressured which I regret. We had a talk and decided that we needed to start the physical contact from scratch and slowly build up again to what we had.
It’s currently hard for me and I’m feeling really confused. Since the talk we have only kissed once and that is over a month ago now.
I feel really conflicted the time we spend together I really enjoy and I feel like she is the only person I have ever really been able to connect with. I just don’t know if things will ever be the way I want them to be. And I don’t know how long I would have to wait.
I wish I could just forget about my stupid hormones and concentrate on what we have but it’s creating a barrier for me and I don’t know what to do.


I feel for you and really hope things work out for the best. It also sounds like she is having some reservations about the relationship since it has been a month since you kissed. This is coming from someone with autism. Sometimes, when people touch me it is uncomfortable, and I don't like it. But, this is something she also needs to work on because in any romantic relationship physical contact is going to happen. She needs to understand this. If she cares about you and the relationship, then she will need to step outside her comfort zone. This might not be easy for her to do, but she will need to overcome this barrier at some point.

And, I will be honest here. If she breaks up with you over physical contact then she is being selfish and unwilling to work on her own self. In a relationship both sides need to take a look at their own problems and see how they can overcome them. And, if she does end the relationship she will at some point end up with another guy. I don't know how things would work out, but physical contact will happen. And, if she finds out she can't handle that then the cycle repeats where she gets in a relationship and breaks it off. Unfortunately for her, she might not even know the reason why she is ending the relationship. Physical contact might be one issue, but she might look for other excuses and fail to see that the problem is coming from within.

So, to say the least, I really hope things work out. Now, I am not saying she is a guilty party here. I know physical contact can be a challenge for many of us. I think you are trying whatever you can to make things work out, and I really hope you can find that solution. I can tell that you really love her. Having my heart shattered once, my heart goes out to you.


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renexu
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12 Jan 2011, 5:10 pm

Whatever you do, do not push it. Have you met her parents? They may be able to help you with more information. Good luck



Jonsi
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12 Jan 2011, 5:23 pm

Let it be as it is right now. Just try making her every day wonderful. :D Be there for her and try to help where you can. Show your love to her in nonphysical ways. She'll be comfortable with touching eventually. You just have to give her some time.



Arman_Khodaei
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12 Jan 2011, 9:01 pm

Jonsi wrote:
Let it be as it is right now. Just try making her every day wonderful. :D Be there for her and try to help where you can. Show your love to her in nonphysical ways. She'll be comfortable with touching eventually. You just have to give her some time.


Great advice Jonsi. :)


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I have a daily blog that discusses my experiences on the autism spectrum, and a daily YouTube series to compliment it. Please check them out. I also have a podcast that is updated weekly including an Al


rako
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13 Jan 2011, 6:54 am

jamesongerbil wrote:
It is really hard, and those issues can be painful. She may want to touch you as well, but can't. I have the same problem. My fiancee wants to caress me, but some areas of my body are ridiculously sensitive, while others aren't. Also, I respond more to deep pressure, whereas light pressure is also annoying/painful. Hang in there!


thanks for this. It sounds very similar to my situation. do you know of any ways of dealing with this?

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
...
Concentrate on that. If I could go back in time and just have a dinner with an ex-girlfriend, wow, what a gift. Yes, at this point, you're going to basically need to let her set the pace, even to the point that if she suddenly wants to go fast, you need to put the brakes on and suggest going medium, and that turnaround might be pretty healthy, and then thoroughly enjoy and savor going medium.

thanks I have thought about this and I realize that I shouldn't go fast even if she says she wants to but given the opportunity I don't know If I could have the self control.

Jonsi wrote:
Let it be as it is right now. Just try making her every day wonderful. :D Be there for her and try to help where you can. Show your love to her in nonphysical ways. She'll be comfortable with touching eventually. You just have to give her some time.

thanks. this made me smile.


I have a few questions. what are some nonphysical ways I can show my love?
I know many some people with AS do have problems with touching and I was wondering how you handle this in your relationships?